FORGETFULNESS. PART ONE.
Straightening my shoulders, lowering my arms on either side, making wings of them, I flew forward, while weightlessness plunged me into the icy water, and then again into this warm light.
Many small lights of different colors accompanied me and at the end of the path, I saw smiles. Is this what happiness looks like?
I allowed myself to think only about what I saw in front of me. I tried to fill my thoughts with reality. And now a small robot flies past me, and the next is a sphere with some numbers.
But when something lift me up and then let go of me, my thoughts simply disappeared. The unpleasant feeling of falling can remove thoughts out of you. And that's what I wanted to achieve. After all, therefore, I became a regular visitor to this amusement park, where everyone was in search of danger and the feeling of death.
Only here, I could not be myself, because fear and desire to survive made me forget about what thoughts are.
I pretended to be having fun. I've tried every ride, every hazard attraction in this part. And even those roller coasters that touch the clouds and then make you feel the full force of the earth's gravity. After all, on the way back, all the belts are unfastened and you just fall down from the height where the planes should fly. At the same time, your lungs do not have enough air, but immortality in your blood does not allow you to lose consciousness.
And when the earth gets closer, as people say, "This is the best moment!" But all I feel when I fall from such a height is fear and self-loathing. But I don't allow myself to think about where this world is heading. After all, I should be having fun. After all, I am a happy, modern person.
I am a happy person even at the moment when my body hits a hard trampoline and the pain just becomes unbearable. I look up at the roller coaster that can show you heaven and then just let you go to the ground, and still laugh. I scream, I rejoice and people around me also scream like I’m a celebrity or some kind of hero.
All day long, I spend my time in this place, and I must say, from the pain, from the constant pain in the bones, I already cease to feel myself. I'm really starting to forget who I am. But if I think about it, if I feel sadness, pain, the face of Moonlight at that last moment, then I immediately sit in the cabin of another dangerous attraction and immediately find myself in the middle of the fire that literally engulfs us all. When my skin hurts, when my head starts to throb violently, I turn into a simple young man who is so tired of being immortal that he is just happy being among the flames.
We are being spun in all directions, but at the same time everyone around us is simply shouting with joy. They are having fun, which means I should be having fun too. They are in pain, which means I must also be hurt. Only in this way, I could continue what I started.
This amusement park was called "Happy Island". And as you probably already understood, everything was dangerous here. For a person from past centuries, this place will be deadly. After all, an ordinary person simply will not survive after such a fall from a height or after being on fire. But for an immortal man, it was all just fun. The one that gave meaning to life. After all, when you are immortal, sometimes it seems to you that life has become gray and boring.
"Happy Island" just saved me. Namely, by being here, I felt only pain. Intense pain and it helped me to be above suspicion and Lain continued to think that I had lost my memory.
But at night, when I found shelter under an iron roof, next to an old robot who stood in case someone got lost in this large park, I could still become myself.
I wrote down all my thoughts in a notebook. I wrote everything down. But when I was writing, I tried not to think. You have no idea how hard it is. Not to think and at the same time writing down thoughts. But after practice and willpower, I learned to meditate and write. And it got to the point that my soul spoke, but I myself was silent, I just did not think, I was just asleep. I was able to separate my soul and myself, perhaps this saved me at that moment.
I wrote mainly about Moonlight and the plan I had. More precisely, about a plan that was invented imperceptibly for me.
I had to keep pretending to stop it all. But how, of course, I did not know. And out of my ignorance I made a plan.
My sleep is gone. After all, all night long I just sat with my elbows on the cold wall and wrote. Sometimes, I could write all night and several pages were filled with just, "I'm sorry."
It has been several weeks since the day Moonlight was taken away. And I couldn't even do anything. I just stood there and watched. But where he was taken and why, it was not clear to me. And I just created a new hope that I would save him.
When I realized that I had lost everyone, I immediately ran towards the crowd of people and painted a smile on my face. It's very hard to smile when it hurts so much that you can go crazy at any moment.
Everything lost its meaning. I knew that.
Today was the day when my body could no longer stand the fun. I just couldn't afford to sit on the seat of this roller coaster.
But something had to distract me. After all, a little more and I will begin to think about Moonlight. I'll start crying, I'll just give myself away.
In such a difficult moment, when thoughts kept getting into my head, fate, the Universe was on my side.
A man burst into my life, who opened a new world for me, a new stage and I had to play a new role.
"You are the weird guy. Aren't you tired of being here?"
In the most difficult moment of my life, this voice made me turn around and see a young guy in round glasses. His face was light. And it was not about the skin, but the fact that he just glowed. Or so it seemed to me. Just because he saved me from thoughts. This light face with bright green eyes and a small butterfly tattoo near the right eye looked like star to me. I knew that the light of this star would save me.
"And you're really weird. Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked, putting his hands in the pocket of his coat.
Perhaps after so much meditation and amusement, I forgot how to talk and hold a conversation.
"What happened to you? Do you want to cry? Well, in that case, cry. Sometimes, all people cry. Tears are a kind of source of strength," he said and as if he knows me for a century, he just hugged and patted me on the back. "Everything will be fine."
It seemed to me that he knows about everything. Suddenly, I imagined it was Moonlight. Or he sent it to me. But I couldn't ask.
But I couldn't be sad either. I don't remember anything, which means that all kinds of fun are open to me.
Pushing him away a little roughly, I said, "You're weird here. What kind of person would hug a stranger?!"
Laughing, he looked somewhere and said, "Perhaps everyone here is strange."
As an ordinary person, I just turned away and walked away.
"Wait! Where are you going?" He followed me.
"What do you need?"
"I think I've already seen you somewhere."
Now, the most important thing was not to lose your role.
“It’s impossible,” I replied.