Wishful Thinking

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Vic walked through the cold desert, the moonlight beating down from the dark sky, he had been walking a little while at this point, he had no watch so had no way of keeping track of time but knew he had walked only 15 minutes or so before the car disappeared, it may have still been there but the sight of it had been stolen away by the night, but now he knew he had walked far enough that even in daylight the car would be out of sight except for perhaps being a glint on the horizon, a piece of glitter on the carpet, but for now it was dark and though the moonlight was bright it wasn’t bright enough to see without the flashlight, he wondered how long the flashlight would last until it died on him, he hoped it was at least until it was partially light out here, but he wasn’t wishing on it. He had yet to feel fatigue from the walk and his feet didn’t ache, his shoes that he wore for the purpose of driving were very sturdy, he wondered why he didn’t wear them more often. Trying to keep his mind occupied only worked for so long, eventually thinking about the usefulness of your shoes just can’t keep the memories out, he kept thinking about the kids, his wife, the big fight had only happened seven months ago, he had felt that things were getting better, wishful thinking, he knew they weren’t great but he had been jumping through every loop and hoop put in front of him and he felt he had done it with ease and enthusiasm, it didn’t even feel forced or pressured, he had enjoyed being this perfect husband and father, he had even found that Lucy had been enjoying his company, of course that was around the kids, they hadn’t dared to be alone together in a leisurely way, the times they were alone were civil, awkward and only on a must do basis such as when they slept, they had at one point three months after tried to make love, but there was nothing, no spark, no connection and neither had climaxed, he knew she was thinking about him with ‘her’, he couldn’t remember who had initiated the ‘love making’, but it was a bad idea regardless, he didn’t think that there was any chance of them having sex within this probation year, which he understood full heartedly, thinking of it brought a hitch in his chest, he would never be able to spend another night with Lucy she’s not dead he wished they had taken this trip sooner, he knew this trip was going to be a great healer, being where they were at their happiest, young and dumb enjoying their late teens and early adulthood, no worries, no responsibility and so in love the thought of affairs hadn’t even crossed either mind. This trip was meant to fix everything but now it had just torn everything instead. Vic heard a scuttle to the left of him, he lifted the light up to a boulder, a little lizard scurried its way across it and then disappeared from sight, Vic carried on along past the weeds being mindful of any rocks or crevices, the last thing he would want is to break his leg and die out here alone, never knowing if his wife and kids were alive or not wishful thinking. He walked, thinking about that night of the big fight and then allowed his mind to think of the aftermath.

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