To Save a Life
It becomes apparent in ones life when the darkness decides to take over, consuming every last bit of humanity and soul a person may have. You see them click as if a switch had been flipped, and you will always wonder if the switch will ever be flipped again. You begin to ask yourself if you had a part in it or what you could have done to prevent this from happening. In the end you come to the realization that there was nothing you could do or say to save them.
I know this to be true, as I have been on both sides. All it takes is one slippery slope to put you down under again. All it takes is one rude person to make you question your life and everything that should matter, but in a split second, none of it honestly matters. You have only one question on your mind, life or death? In a second you could decide that you no longer want to be here. In that second you decide that you do not matter, that you are not good enough and that you will never be happy.
Did you end it? Are you resting? Are you happy?
Maybe, just maybe, you let that second go by. Maybe, you decided to take a deep breathe and calm down. After that second are you relieved, or are you afraid? Possibly, maybe you are even angry at yourself, and not because you decided to live, because you were too much of a coward to go through with it. What does life even mean to you?
So you let yourself live, now what choices are you going to make? Are you going to wonder the streets looking for some lonely love? Are you going to go to that alley way and buy something to help the pain go away? Are you thinking about trying again? Maybe, you just like the adrenaline rush when you are so close to the edge. Your blood is flowing vigorously, your heart feels like it is pounding out of your chest, maybe just love killing yourself slowly because you know the pain will never end, even if you go off the ledge.
Now it is time for you to wake up. You’re grasping for air as you have a panic attack, because at first you do not realize where you are. The oxygen mask is strapped to your face, a saline solution is flowing into your arm, the needle taped in place. You look around, is there anyone there? Is your mother or father there? Is your brother or sister there? Now, you are even questioning where the nurse or doctor are. Is there no one there to say how happy they are to see that you are still alive, that you made it back. What happened to you, to drive everyone you loved away?
Now a doctor is entering your room, but it’s not with good news. The doctor tells you that you are going to be alright. The doctor tells you that you are going to live. He tells you that you are being discharged from the hospital that you are being taken under a 72 hour psychiatric watch at the local mental health facility. You try to explain that it was an accident, you try to tell the doctor that it will never happen again, but in the end the response is the same. Now, you are wishing you were never found in the first place.
Worst case scenario, you remain in the facility force fed drugs for the rest of your life. These drugs you won’t like, they will keep you numb and incapable of being a normal human being. Maybe you will get lucky and they just prescribe you some antidepressants and send you on your way. If luck finds you, will you take this chance for granted? Will you just fall back into the same patterns?
The 72 hours are now up, they are telling you that you are free to go, but your phone has a voice mail. It is from your apartment complex telling you that you are being evicted. Where will you go now? Will you call your parents, or maybe one of your old girlfriends or boyfriends? Will you go and seek shelter at a homeless shelter until you are back on your feet? Now there is an annoyance in your head, just a question on repeat, would you been better off inside of the mental facility?
Stress and anxiety build up as no one answers or returns your calls. You begin to panic and sweat, losing grip of reality once again. How much more can you take? You are now walking down the sidewalk and it starts pouring rain, your clothes getting soaked becoming heavy and unbearable. A car speeds by and hits a puddle of water and mud going all over you. What did you do to deserve all of this?
Now you are falling down onto your knees, praying and asking why to a God you never even believed in. You have lost it all and truly have nothing left to live for. You look out into the distance, a rush of cars is coming towards you? What is your first thought? What will you do? Will you get up and get out of the way of the water and mud, or will you leap into the road? You take that first step and a hand wraps around your arm, who would want to save you?
You turn around and are left breathless. You can not believe your eyes. Are you hallucinating? Are you okay? It is the doctor that saved your life once before, and once again they saved your life. You break down and begin crying and the doctor lifts you up and hugs you. When was the last time you were even hugged? The doctor takes you by the hand and leads you to their car and gives you a towel and a couple of blankets and tells you to get in. You are now questioning everything. How could a stranger care about you? How could anyone care about you?
The doctor takes you back to their house and sets up a couch and shows you to the shower. No one has been this kind to you before, no one has cared about you like this before. You finish taking the shower and get out and dressed? Now what will you do? You feel as if the doctor has done enough for you already, but you also for once feel relieved, you feel almost happy. You decide to stay the night.
You wake up and you can smell fresh home made waffles and coffee. The doctor looks up at you and smiles and invites you to the table to eat. You smile and politely accept, going to the table and sitting down. The doctor takes your hand and puts a envelope in it. Out of curiosity you open it. Inside is a little bit of cash and a pamphlet for a program to help people with depression get back on their feet and back into the world. You begin to cry again, because for once you know that someone cares. For once, you can look at the bright side. For once, you can smile.
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