A dream within a dream
I was average.
Now I am passing through time to the realm of the undead. I befriended scavengers. In my wildest dreams, I would be uneasy to wander around a city without a map on my phone to guide me. Now I am going to jump from a cliff into rocky waters to cross through the planet earth to a timeline I read about - vaguely I must say- in an old book thrown in a second-hand store.
I feel cold. Drops of rain start to fall. I can’t dare to breathe. Reality starts to crisp around me. I am going to jump. I am going to jump. Fuck, I can not jump. Consciousness. I feel like I opened my eyes after a long sleep. I am going to jump. Knowing a human-dog feels so distant. The odds of the happening of last year’s occurrences...seem...unlikely. a dream. It is but a dream.
If I jump, I will simply be crushed.
If I jump, I will not flee from time.
If I jump, I will not cross the earth’s line.
If I jump, I will not enter the city made of fire and mud.
If I jump, the following would never have become.
I can foretell the future for the first time. I see fire, I see tears and myself screaming over a corpse. I see their eyes focused on me as I sleep in the dark.
It’s cold. I can not fight the urge to curl in a ball and hide my eyes from the skyline. But they are at my back, waiting for me to jump.
I start crying. I am not ashamed. I am not as strong as I pretended to be. They know that. They know me. I can not jump. I can not fight. My knees can barely lift me. Suddenly an Edgar Allan Poe’s poem comes to my mind. He wrote about human life slipping away, trickling like “sand,”. He implied that our existence is insubstantial, just an abstraction of the mind.
What if I was not here? Would this still be so real?
I am cold. I am scared. It's raining. I don’t want to jump. I am so cold. I am crying. I turn into a drunken man. I don’t want to jump. I start singing the poem with odd rhythm, with my fists high. :
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand —
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep — while I weep!
O God! Can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
I don’t want to jump. This has got to be a dream. I don’t want to jump. I repeat the last lines unceasingly. They're the only words I can utter. I don’t want to jump. A dream within a dream. I sing louder. I don’t want to jump. A dream within a dream. I sing louder. A dream within a dream. Louder. A dream within a dream. I sing with my fists high. A dream within a dream. As if I was fucking victorious. A dream within a dream. I fall.
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