𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝟷 : Everthing Off Rip
As I sit here and write this book upon my life in this current situation I’ve been in before...I want to first off start by saying I apologize towards everyone I hurt! I want to apologize to my little brother mainly for not being the proper Idol/Role Model/Older Brother. Braylen I love you! You are my world! You are the other me and I live through you. You are the reason I’m here on this earth. God put me here to show you right from wrong and I failed because I’ve been showing you nothing but wrong. I’m sorry! I’m sorry that I wasn’t in the rightstate of mind when you got older, taller, smarter, wiser! I’m sorry I failed as being your older brother! I hate myself each and everyday because of who I am and I know what I do is wrong! I know that everyday I’m living a LIE!!!! I hate who I am and it makes me miserable,angry,it hurts being me. I never want to see you in my shoes or my predicament! I want to see you succeed and be someone father,someone idol or role model!! I want to see you make millions and have a huge impact on the world. Because I know you can! You are a smart young man and one day I know you’ll shock the world and be a huge impact on someone else’s life. I’m so sorry that I’m a disappointment to you! I’m done! I’m done lying and pretending I’m perfect! I’m sorry okay!? I don’t know what’s wrong with me?? But just know that I love you so much! And to my big sister Deeva. Thank you! Thank you for teaching me life. Showing me that there was someone there even though we barely spoke. Man! I love you and I hope you know that and forever will I be my sisters keeper. I’ll protect you through anything. Any battle. Any storm. Any thing that come to harm you I’m just a text away to flip the whole world upside down to show that beautiful smile on your face that I always picked on you about your weight and how you look but I apologize deeply. You’re beautiful, you’re something special and without you I won’t be who I am far as the good side of me. And Kira! Words can’t explain how much you mean to me. We wasn’t as close but we was always like batman and robin when we’ll talk soon because even though you lived in another house as me, when we talked it felt like heaven on earth because you’ll understand me when nobody did.
And to my mom...it’s not to much to say because I don’t know if I love or hate you or me?! We’ve been neck to neck since birth...we’ve never shared a memory and because of that I don’t know what a mother and son bond will ever feel like. I wanted to commit suicide numerous times because I don’t know what it’s like to call love your own. I feel like I’m losing myself. Losing who god made me be!! Living with you was like living with Satan...I was trying to focus on my future but you was focused on my past! Why do I feel like I’m the one who got me?? I just wanted to restart my life all over again to know what NOT to do when growing up. I’ve tried every drug on shelf and I just feel like I’m losing myself.. Nowhere to hide! No need to run! Everything you said I wouldn’t be, I made you watch me grow into! Crazy how tables turning now. Tell me why we’ve been so distant lately?? You say I’m crazy but we ain’t no different ma! You’ve been on my mind to much! You was just so focused on people who’s dividing us. You going to say sum? Then say it! I’m already broken enough! Already dead inside! I just want to DIE!! I hate LIFE!! I hate YOU!! Wait no....
I’m sorry! I didn’t mean that! I’m just hurt! I’m scared! I’m trapped! I feel like my world’s ending! That’s why I smoke! That’s why I drink! This why I take pills!! Because of my past!!! It’s eating me alive. I’m so numb to a lot of pain. Even a bullet wouldn’t make me hurt so should I grab a glock to blow my brains out would you care? Would you care if I was to die right now? I’m devastated...Can you tell I’m hurting?? I’ve tried to change time after time after time. Because you aren’t like every other mom... you’re different! I didn’t nor don’t deserve to be your son. I’ve been so lost! I’ve been losing my mind! And you don’t even see it... You don’t even care!!!!!!! IM BROKEN!!! OKAY?????? I hate you! But I love you! But I’ll leave you alone...if that’s what you want.
I know a lot of you hate me right now.. and I get it. If I could be a different person. I promise you I would! Whom ever reads this, I want you to know I love you more then life itself! Grab my hand, I’m drowning! I feel my heart pounding! Why haven’t you found me! I feel like screaming because I don’t have anyone to talk to. God! Fine. Want to know what’s wrong with me!? I tried man.. I really tried.. but I can’t keep pretending like everything’s all right. God! I’m mad at you because I love you.
Sleepless nights after nights sitting there crying and crying wish to die and never return. Why do I feel so hurt and act so “alive”!? If dying is easy then why is living so hard!? One day I hope someone reads this and restart time so I can overcome a this life and do better... I want to do better! I want to change and do good! I want to stop doing drugs and drinking!! I want to learn to express myself. I wish I was heard!! I wish I was understood!! Someone please help me!! Someone please guide me to safety because at this point idk where to go.! Not scared to risk it all and do life in prison maybe I’ll be seen differently.! Maybe someone would wanna understand me by then.