I haven't slept, showered, or ate much these past couple of days. My grandmother has been staying at my house unwanted. She didn't make me feel any less lonely, in fact she made it worse. The only thing she's showed any concern about is Heather. I understand why, I just find it odd that she is expressing more worry towards Heather than her dead daughter.
I haven't spoken to Justin either. He's tried to call me a few times but I don't have enough energy to keep a conversation with him.
All I have done these past couple of days is stare out my window and imagine a tree collapsing on my mother, then I start to cry which leads to screaming. I scream in hopes of my grandma coming up here to ask me if I'm okay but she continues to stay in the living room.
I desperately wanted someone to be there for me.
I remember what Justin said to me when I talked to him on the phone so I grab my phone to call him and ask if he would come to my mother's funeral today. I decided against it so I don't burden him with this situation any longer and put my phone down and sit back on my bed.
I'm already dressed for the funeral but I don't want to go. I haven't seen a dead body before and I don't want to today, especially my mother's. Is she burned or bruised? Or was it covered up?
"Oliver, we are going to be late. Let's go!"
My grandma sounds more angry than usual.
I look at myself in the mirror and watch my bottom lip quiver at the thought of seeing my mom. A tear rolls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away and swallow the lump in my throat before greeting my lovely grandmother.
"Finally." She says while opening the front door.
Today is going to be a long day.
There were only a handful of people that I recognized at the church. A few of my mother's friends from work were here, even Leah and Mark showed up. I thought that was nice of them since they were the only people who have bothered to check up on me besides Justin.
My grandmother was talking to a few people that I had never seen before. I wonder if she invited them; I doubt they even knew my mom.
I walked past them and overheard my grandmother talk to them about how she was doing. I must admit she is a good actress.
"It's just been so hard. I drove 6 hours to be here with my grandson because he is just so broken. I am staying strong for him."
I wanted to tell those people that she isn't sad whatsoever and she hasn't been there for me at all.
I don't remember most of the service. A bunch of strangers shook my hand and told me stuff along the lines of "I'm sorry for your loss" and "my condolences" as if they actually gave a shit about me.
After each person shook my hand I put on germ-x before I shook the next person's hand, resulting in a line. My grandma glared at me. I knew she wanted me to stop but I purposely kept doing it. Making her mad is the only enjoyable thing I have gotten out of this. Plus, it's important to keep my hands clean. I don't know where these people have been.
I completely blanked out the entire time I was sitting down. I just remember my grandma whispering to me every so often.
"I can't believe Heather didn't show up. She's going to hear it from me when I finally get a hold of her."
I didn't bother to acknowledge her. I wish she would stop bringing up Heather because it makes me feel more guilty because I have no idea where she is and I was the last person to see her. I'm curious as to what could have possibly happened and what my mom had to tell me the day she died. I wonder if my grandma was going to tell me the same thing the day I went to eat lunch with her.
My mind continued to replay the day my mother died over and over. I kept thinking about what my mom was going minutes before she got hit by the tree.
She was probably walking to her car with a coffee in her hand and humming to herself despite the heavy rain.
I wonder if she ever woke up in the hospital or if she asked about me or thought about me as she passed away. If heaven is real, I wonder if she is watching me right now. If she is, I hope she's enjoying me making my grandma's day worse than it already is.
"Oliver, get up!" My grandmother says loudly in the church.
I snap out of my thoughts and look around the church to see everyone standing up. What's going on?
"What are we doing?" I ask.
"We are all saying our goodbyes to your mom. Now get up!"
I look around again and notice everyone in line waiting their turn to look over my dead mother as if she's a god damn science project.
I don't think I can see my mother just lying there, with no hint of life in her face. I stand next to my grandmother in line and start pulling at my hair, dreading the fact that I have to finally see her.
We are about to approach the casket and before I know it I'm shoving my way through the rest of the line and run towards the exit of the church. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
People gasp and turn around to look at my but I don't care. I'm the only person in this room who even cared about her.
Thankfully, it's not raining outside today, just unbearably cold. The thin, black button up I am wearing is not enough to keep me warm.
I don't know how far my house is from here but I need to get away from everyone in there. I was suffocating.
I find it impossible that my feet ran for s long as they did, but about 20 minutes later I ended up at the front of my neighborhood out of breath; the cold air burned my throat every time I breathed in and out.
I tried to run just a few more blocks to my house but my body began to give out. I fell onto the sidewalk on my knees and cried as I began to cradle myself.
Will this pain go away? I don't want to be there without my mom. I don't know how it will be possible for me to continue on without her.
I've been trying so hard not to breakdown again these past couple of days but I couldn't control it anymore. My hands instinctively move to my arms in an attempt to hurt myself. I miserably wanted to feel a different type of paint than the one I am feeling right now.
I kept screaming, hoping someone would be here for me, anyone. I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want these memories of my mom replaying in my head anymore but each day is only getting worse. I can't stop feeling like all of this is my fault.
My vision became a blur and my head grew dizzy, I don't know what is happening. I held onto my head as my body began to shut down. I am in too much distress and can't take it anymore.
The last thing I remember was someone attempting to lift me off of the ground. I couldn't see who it was.