Black spots exhausted most of my vision when I finally woke up on my living room couch. I kept blink in hopes of making them disappear but it didn't seem to work.
Where am I? What is that smell?
I sit up and look down at my clothes and realize the chunks of vomit are still apparent on my shirt and jeans.
It was a dream, right? My mom is alive. It had to be a dream. Why else would I be sleeping in my living room?
I hear a noise in the kitchen and notice Leah is filling up a glass of water and that's when I realize that this probably wasn't a dream. A few tears roll down my cheek as she makes her way towards me. She kneels down next me and hands me the water while resting her hand on my shoulder.
"Do you want me to call someone for you? Any family?" She asks.
What I do want is for her to leave as soon as possible. I want to be alone so I can scream and break down in this gigantic house that is now only occupied by me.
"No. I will call my aunt. She doesn't live far so she'll be here soon," I lie.
"Do you want me to stay here until she comes?"
I don't know how I manage to fake a smile to her but I do. "No, thank you. You can go home."
She nods and rubs my shoulder before leaving.
I'm glad she didn't try to overbear me with questions and hugs and her fucking reassurance. I watch her exit my front door. The door slowly shuts behind her and when it does I begin to fall apart.
I fall to the floor and the pieces of my heart go with it. My fists connect with the hardwood floor that my mom had spent so much money on last year. I continue to hit the floor repeatedly, acting as though it will bring her back. I beat the floor until my knuckles turn white and small pieces of skin begin peeling off of them.
I band my head onto the floor, hoping to do some sort of damage to myself. When it doesn't, I scream as loud as I can into the floor. I dig my nails deep into my arms and begin cutting into my skin as I continue to scream over and over for my mother.
I want to hurt myself so I don't have to think of the pain caused by the broken tree. As my arms begin to bleed and my head and knuckles continue to throb, I realize that any type of pain can not make this feeling go away.
"MOMMY!" I scream into my own arms while curled up on the floor. I make my way up my arms and claw into my chest and continue to scream at my mother who can no longer hear me.
Exhaustion filled my body and I fell asleep on the floor without realizing it; with no one's comfort by my tear stained cheeks.
It's 7:00 p.m. when I wake up covered in snot, vomit, and blood. I didn't realize how much I made myself bleed.
It's dark outside, causing my entire house to be consumed by shadows except for the small, dim lit lamp in the corner of my living room. I crawl to turn it off and lay in that same corner, wallowing in my own filth and sadness. I turn my attention towards the stairs.
In the afternoons, the light that came from my mother's bedroom window would shine towards the stairs, making it glisten. I remember on Saturday mornings the stairs' shine resembled my mother as she cooked and sang to herself. Now the rays of light are gone and darkness blankets each step leading to her room. It always will for the rest of my life, she took the sun rays with her.
My mouth is dry and all I taste is the salt from my tears while hugging myself. I don't want to let go; I am the only person holding myself together, despite how broken I already am.
I have run out of tears in such a short period of time, I feel incapable of crying anymore tonight. I continue to embrace myself and stare at the stairs, thinking of the darkness my mom left behind.
Where did my mommy go? I know she's not gone. She was just here this morning. The cherry blossom perfume she used every morning still lingers throughout the house. She has to be here.
"Mommy, where are you?" I say sobbing to myself. I start digging into my scratched arms once more to try and stop this madness running through my head. I sound pathetic.
My head is pounding and I am only able to breathe through my mouth causing me to hyperventilate every so often. My body can't function anymore. All I've done for the past 4 hours is fight with the floor and make myself bleed.
I grab the blanket that rest on my couch and pull it over me and lay on the floor the remainder of the night. I don't remember falling asleep.
The stairs and I gazed at each other all night long. At time during the night, the apparition that was founded in Justin's room visited me. He didn't bother me. Maybe he just wanted to give me some company. It didn't make me feel less lonely, but I knew another lonely soul was by my side.
I started to think of my mother and the way her head tilted back and her eyes squinted when she told me funny stories about her coworkers.
That person no longer existed, she was taken from this world by a tree and all I was left with was this gigantic house and the broken tree.