Because I Hear the Voices

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The Reveal

“This is the craziest shit I have ever seen Sean. How could they keep this a secret? My god, it’s disgusting! What the hell were they thinking? No wonder they were upset this morning. Christ I knew they had issues, but never in my wildest imagination would I have thought it was because of this.” Devlin ranted after I had told him what I knew and had shown him the newspaper articles.

From my seat in the large comfortable chairs of Devlin’s parents’ dining room, I watched as Devlin began to pace up and down the long narrow room restlessly. When he reached the far end he threw open the heavy dark green drapes to let in a stream of milky light from the streetlight outside the house. Devlin’s parent’s house was old and dark, with silky oak wall panels and small windows, which hardly let in any light. The dining room table was made out of dark solid wood, the chairs had carved armrests, and Mrs. Summers always had a vase of fresh flowers placed in the centre of the table.

“Yeah right, this from the guy who thought our parents were alien’s in fourth grade and secret spies in the seventh grade,” I joked trying to lighten the atmosphere with a dose of humour.

“Sean, how can you even joke about this?” Devlin asked completely bewildered at my apparent lack of concern over the situation.

Knowing that it was okay to show signs of my cracked composure in front of Devlin, I put my elbows on the table in front of me and placed my hands over my face.

“Dev, to be honest I don’t exactly know how to feel. I come from that, Dev, I share the blood of a deranged lunatic, and I don’t know how to handle that. My parents have lied to me my entire life, and now I have found out why they were so strict with me, and I can’t help but wonder if they think I’m like him, I can’t help but wonder if I am.”

“Sean, don’t be stupid, you’re not like him. Look at the facts if you don’t believe me. This guy had violent tendencies his entire life, temper tantrums and stuff, which you never had. You are nothing like him, Sean, nor are you like your parents. It’s stupid to think just because you are related to someone you are like them, it’s a cop out Sean, for people who won’t admit they are the reason why they are. Don’t you ever think that Sean, you should know better!” Devlin shouted as he threw himself down on the chair opposite me and banged his fist sharply on the table’s surface.

“Well, I don’t hear voices in my head, that’s gotta be something for me, right?”

“Yeah, you lamebrain. God, don’t worry me like that… You wanna throw in the towel?” Devlin asked after an awkward moment of forced laughter and then a long silence where neither of us even looked at each other.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, go back to our original idea?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“No.”

“Ok.”

I looked down at my hands while Devlin began to squirm in his seat.

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about? You didn’t do anything,” I answered, clearly having no idea what was going through his mind.

“Yeah I did, I chose the subject. If I hadn’t opened my big fat mouth, this wouldn’t have happened,” he stumbled over his words in his hurry to get them out.

“Dev, honestly, even though this is intense, I’d rather know than be left in the dark. I’m sure I would have found out sooner or later anyway, so if you are suffering from a misplaced sense of guilt, get over it, and now. You are all I have got at the moment Dev, and I need you to be there for me, not sorry for me, ok.”

“Yeah, ok.”

“So what do we do now? Do I tell them I know?”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea just yet Sean,” Devlin simply stated.

“You don’t?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Well, we need all the facts. We can’t go into this all hotheaded. They haven’t told you anything before now, so what makes you think they are suddenly going to open up to you now, you know? I think that the best thing to do is just complete the assignment, gather all the information, and when you get it graded, leave it on the dining room table like you usually do for them to see it. That way they know you know, and they can’t tell you not to pursue the matter,” Devlin suggested.

“You’re right Dev. If I told them now, they wouldn’t tell me anything and then they’d make me stop researching the past. If they know I already know everything but their side of the story, it should make them want to tell me everything they know.” Armed with this new plan of action I began to feel the tension in my rigid body ease slightly making it easier to breathe without hurting.

“Well, Dev let's get to work.”

* * *

A young boy with black eyes and wavy brown hair began walking towards me. As he got closer he began to get older, and when he stood in front of me he looked exactly the age he did in the last photo that was recorded of him. He smiled. “Hello Sean,” he said, “Don’t be scared of me.”

“Why shouldn’t I be scared of you, you are a murderer.”

“There are worse people in the world than me Sean. You don’t know everything yet, but you will. You’ll discover that the whole truth wasn’t told. You’ll find out what nobody else will for me, won’t you Sean?” He asked, confidence radiating from his eyes.

“What makes you think that I even care?”

“Because I’m not sure what happened Sean; I can’t move on to where I’m supposed to go so you’re my only hope now. I tried everything to get rid of her Sean, I killed her and I still wasn’t free. I killed myself but she is still there.”

“Who is she?”

“Angela.”

“You killed her, and all the others didn’t you?”

“I killed her yes, but she killed Larissa and we killed the others.”

“That’s crazy, you are insane! That doesn’t make sense at all.”

“I know Sean, and I’m sorry, but you’re the only one who can help me now.”

“What makes you think I’d want to help you? You’re a murderer. You’re evil. You should rot in hell!” I screamed at him and his audacity to even suggest to me that I should help him.

“I have lived in hell my entire life and I can’t escape it even now. I want a moment Sean when I don’t feel her around. I want to know the truth, but I can’t find it. I tried to and look where I ended up. You have to find out what they wanted kept secret. Ask Belinda, Belinda is the key. Belinda lied Sean. That’s the only truth I know for certain, because I didn’t kill Larissa.”

“Why should I believe you? How do I even know you are telling the truth?”

“You don’t, Sean. So find out. Prove me wrong or prove me right, but find out Sean.”

I looked away from him and noticed we were sitting in a clearing in a forest of some kind.

“Where are we?”

“I come here to think Sean. I love this place best in the whole world. Over there, in that very spot, was where I killed Angela. It was beautiful. I got rid of her, for one brief moment I actually managed to get rid of her. But she came back. No matter how many times I kill her, she always manages to come back.”

“You’re insane you know,” I stated.

“Yeah I know, that’s what they kept telling me.”

“I don’t want to help you.”

I looked at him then and saw that tears were running down his face, and something stirred inside me. I felt sympathy for him, and the fact that I could feel sympathy for a murderer made me feel like a criminal.

“I loved to write you know. When I wrote, things made sense and I remembered what I thought I had forgotten. Dr Fiddler said I could have been a great poet, he said that writing was a good confession for the soul. Dr Fiddler believed in me. He was the only one who ever did, and I know I let him down.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked clearly confused.

“You should read the things I wrote, you know. I can’t remember it all, but I know I wrote it down. Help me, Sean.”

“I can’t…”

“Help me”

He began to fade from my vision and when everything went black I stopped turning restlessly in my sleep and began to dream of nothing.

He often came to talk to me at night after that...

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