The Silver Lining

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Chapter 12 - Grace Before

Dear diary,

This diary has become a form of therapy for me. I didn’t realise how much I needed to divulge, how much I needed to purge. When I cannot sleep, like I can’t now, the hurt too strong to shake, the only thing to bring me some form of relief is writing. The truth is, I wish I could rewrite my life, but that is beyond me. All I can do is consider what happened, and where things went so terribly wrong.

As soon as I fell pregnant, James became distant. Cold. He would go through periods of barely talking to me and working late to being overwhelmingly caring and thoughtful. As my belly grew, the loving side of James diminished, and a seed of resentment flourished within me.

Every time he snapped at me or complained about the house or our finances, that resentment would grow. I tried so hard to crush it. We’d go on trips away and have moments that reminded me of the boy that I fell in love with. Then I’d hear him sneaking back into the house, late at night, reeking of sin. Thoughts would consume my mind. Was it my fault? Did I push him away?

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