Chapter 29 - Grace Before
As I am slowly dying, James is having an affair. The affair itself, I may have been able to grapple with. We haven’t been having sex since I started treatment so that I might have understood, but what I cannot tolerate is who he is having an affair with.
Discovering the sordid texts messages between them made me physically sick. Sicker than I am now. The one person he chooses out of every other possible whore, is Vivienne. I have so many unanswered questions screaming at me. When did it start? How old was she when this began? What about Zoe – did he think of her feelings during any of this? God, the smut they wrote to one another! And then there was the message signed, I love you. What an absolute joke.
Beyond the betrayal, the hurt, I am angry. Unbelievably angry. After all the shit that I have put up with over the years, he falls in love with his daughter’s best friend. The fucking nerve. All my life James has gotten away with murder. He even missed Zoe’s birth. Was he having an affair with me back then too? I feel so bloody stupid.
The hardest part is knowing that when I die, all of this will be out of my control. He won’t need to answer for any of it. Zoe will keep thinking her father is the apple of her eye, and Vivienne will come to my funeral before continuing her disgusting antics.
Confronting James won’t end the affair. I can’t exactly spend my remaining days spying on him. And I can’t tell my darling Zoe the truth. I won’t ruin her friendship. If she doesn’t believe me, she’d hate me. Her last memory of me would be tainted forever. Zoe just needs to rid herself of them. Start anew. But what could I possibly say to get her to do that?