One Sided Love

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Chapter 21


3 weeks later.

Mondays and Thursdays go the same every week. When Lou falls asleep Mr Kyle will get me to sit on his lap and when mum comes home, he’ll throw me off. If Lou manages to stay up, which has only happened once, he’ll secretly hold my hand, play with my hair and stroke up and down my arm or leg.

He controls my every move, he will place my arms in a certain position, my head on his chest.

Sometimes I’d be side-straddling his thighs and a few times I’ve sat with my back to his front but what I really hate is when he gets me to straddle his hips my front to his.

It feels too intimate...I can feel him under me...pressed against me. I pretend I don’t notice but I know he knows.

I can tell he wants more. I use to just be able to sit there and drift into space, forget that he’s here. But now, now he’s constantly moving, changing how I’m sitting. Running his hands through my hair. Rubbing my back, my arms, thighs.

No matter how much I tell him I hate him he just laughs.

He’s also started to call me in at break, giving me ‘detentions’. He sometimes allows me to sit next to him. He said he ‘just wants me close’ but most of the time I have to sit on his lap.

That started this week.

He’s not kissed me on the lips since the car but he’ll kiss my head, cheek, hands and occasionally he’ll nuzzle and kiss my neck.

I hate it.

I don’t feel like myself anymore.

He’s not hurt me either lately. He’ll give my hand a warning squeeze or my waist but he hasn’t hit me.

I got my period last week and when I got to school, upon opening my locker, I found the same ‘gifts’ as last time, including a still hot, hot water bottle. It makes me feel sick. How the fuck does he know all the time? I know he’s watching me but seriously, what the fuck?

Then on the Thursday after work, I came home and Lou was already asleep. Mr Kyle instantly had me sitting on his lap, my back to his front. He kept asking if I was okay and the moment, I winced at a bad cramp his hands attached themselves to my abdomen and my lower back as he affectionately rubbed them on my skin.

Even though I hate to admit it, it helped and felt good. I hate it when he does that, does something that actually feels good or makes me feel better.

My notebook is nearly full, I have 15 pages left. Every touch, every word, every look I write it down. I don’t know why anymore. It gives me some weird sense of comfort.

Like I’m telling someone all my worries. Getting it out of my head.

Maybe I secretly hope someone will find it. Maybe it’s because I know deep down this isn’t going to end well. I don’t know. I don’t want to think about it. It scares me.

He scares me.

I’ve been distancing myself from Becks and the boys, I’ve stopped talking around them. Sitting away from them. It breaks my heart when Oliver asks me ‘what’s wrong?’ I want nothing more than to tell him. But I can’t.

I’ve hurt him so much. He keeps asking me why I’m not talking to him and I just can’t answer.

It hurts so much.

If I talk to them, I’ll end up telling them. If I tell them Mr Kyle might hurt them. I can’t even look at them anymore because I might crack.

I don’t know when this is going to stop. I plan to go to college, university even, but I don’t see him letting me go.

What is he planning? He can’t keep me forever. Does he think he can force me to be in a relationship with him? Is that what this is about? I don’t know.

I feel disgusting.

He makes my skin crawl.

I hate the way he’s touching me. I hate how he never asks for permission. I hate the fact that I can’t do anything. I hate the fact he thinks he owns me.

———

After another depressing day at school, I get home and see mum rush off, Lou was home sick, he’s been getting headaches lately, and yesterday he wouldn’t wake up till noon, then he was sick everywhere.

Mum tried to call ‘Peter’ but he wasn’t available, of course I know why, because he has a fucking day job. Mum had to look after him today till I came back, then she goes to work and has to do a double shift next week.

After cooking a basic dinner for Lou and I, we were watching a film when mum comes home.

“Hey my baby’s” she tiredly called.

“Hey mum” I give her a hug “I made you some dinner, it’s in the oven.”

“Oh, thanks love, how’s Lucas been?”

“He’s been okay mum. I don’t know what made him sick. He keeps saying he has a headache but he’s not burning up and he’s not been sick since.”

“He’ll be okay. Probably just the sickness bug” Mum took a step when she turned back to me “Don’t be mad” she said with a small smile, I nodded, not verbally promising anything. “Lou must have been in your room when you were at work because he found your diary.”

I looked at her in confusion, I don’t have a diary.

“I found it in his room and I put it on your bedside table this morning. Don’t get mad at him, he didn’t know. He just thought it was a new book and he wanted to read it, well, he wanted to look at the pictures” she walked into the kitchen and started talking to Lou about his day.

I went upstairs into my room to see what she was talking about when I see the book. My heart dropped. The damn notebook about Mr Kyle, he found that notebook.

Thank god I put a lock on it the other day! I was getting paranoid that someone would find it. I can’t leave it anymore it’s not safe. I have to have it on me at all times so no one finds it. I can’t put my family in danger by being so careless.

I put the book in my school bag. I have to keep it with me. I’ll hide it someplace...my P.E locker maybe.


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