Oliver’s not taken no for an answer and we’re going on a date today. I’ve been ignoring him for 3 weeks and it’s been 4 weeks since we went on our first date.
The bell for last lesson goes and to my surprise, he’s already waiting for me outside the classroom door. I guess he thinks I’m gunna make a run for it.
We walk in awkward silence. I can’t even bare to look at him. When I start to hear noise in the distance, I look up to see the arcade we went to a nearly a month ago, I smile at the sweet memory.
“I don’t know what happened to you Casey but I’m worried. You’re acting like a completely different person. I just, I want to see you smile” he gave me a look of pity “so...we’re gonna have fun and I am going to beat your ass at air hockey.” He jokes.
I want to tell him everything. I want to go to the police and show them the notebook. I want to hug him and beg for forgiveness after I’ve been so cruel to him theses past weeks. But I can’t.
He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the arcade.
Eventually I started to smile, that turned into laughter. I laughed for the first time in weeks.
Oliver did that.
That’s why I like him so much, he can make me laugh like no one else has. He makes me feel so special and safe.
He disappeared for a few minutes when I was trading the tickets we won and when he came back, he had that blue teddy that I wanted before.
The same one Mr Kyle got for me. Images of him swarmed my mind as I looked at the reminder tucked into Oliver’s embrace.
My eyes started to well up and he gave me a sad smile, pulled me to him and engulfed me in a tight hug.
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry” I hug him back and nonstop apologies.
“Hey, no, stop that. You have nothing to be sorry about.” He places his head on top of mine “Casey please, tell me what’s wrong, please.”
“I can’t” I sob into his shirt as I try to get my breathing under control.
“Please tell me so I can help, please” I shake my head violently.
“If I tell you, you’ll get hurt” I sob and grip onto his shirt tightly. He tenses as soon as the words leave my mouth. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.
“Casey, you’re scaring me now, what’s going on?!” His voice contains nothing but worry. I softly shake my head as realisation sets in. I break out of his hold and look around.
“No, no, no, no.” My eyes darting around to each visible corner of the room.
Oliver steps to me, his hands up in surrender like if he moves too fast, I’ll run away “who are you looking for?”
“I can’t Oliver, I can’t. I’m so, so, so sorry-”
Oliver cut me off by pressing his soft lips on mine, he was gentle and slow but passionate. I kissed back following his movements, everything felt right. I break the kiss and he put his forehead against mine.
“I’m sorry I just, I couldn’t help it. Stop apologising Cas” he spoke so kindly.
That’s was it. That was the moment in time that would be imprinted in my head for life. That’s when I knew what I had to do. That’s when I knew, I love Oliver. I love him with every fibre of my being...So I have to let him go.
I quickly run to the bathroom to try to calm myself down for what I have to do.
I’m about to lock it when it opens nearly hitting me in the face. I look to see Mr Kyle staring at me with nothing but rage evident on his face. I start to breakdown in more tears and cover my face with my hands over my eyes.
He turns and locks the door and within seconds I’m pinned against the wall by my wrists, gasping for air.
“You let him touch you! KISS YOU!” He screamed in my face.
“Let, go, of me!” I beg angrily in between sobs struggling against his hold. He then grabs me by the throat letting go of my arms.
“I will kill him!”
“I-I-I ” I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe. My hands claw at his wrists but he doesn’t even flinch. He finally let’s go and I start coughing as I fall to the dirty bathroom floor on my hands and knees.
He kneels down beside me “why?” He said in that eerily calm and soft voice.
“He kiss-ed me because I w-as upset ” I manage to squeeze out “I pul-led away.”
He pulls my head up by my hair so I’m looking at him, my face contorts in pain from it. His eyes black with anger.
“Tell me what I want to hear. Tell me what I need to hear. Tell me you’re mine Casey! Tell me you belong to me. Submit to me and obey. Tell me you’re mine.”
I looked to him with shock, clutching my neck with one hand and the other supporting my hair as he pulls it.
He wants me to say what!?
“SAY IT!” He screamed in my face.
“I-I- be-long, I’m you-yours” I whisper in terrified defeat.
He smiles at me and picks me off the floor, he holds the back of my neck and kisses me hard. Every one of his emotions, all his feelings were put into the kiss as it got more demanding and harsher.
He suddenly pulled my hair back making me gasp as he plunged his tongue into my mouth. I squirm trying to get him off but he doesn’t budge. He groaned as he massages my mouth with his tongue, exploring every inch. Whilst I was trying not to throw up.
Every second of it I was struggling to get away. But no matter how hard I push him he doesn’t budge, he pulled me flush against his chest so I couldn’t move anymore but I still wriggled against him.
He released me “that was fucking good babygirl, you taste amazing” he breathlessly huffed “you’re such a good girl” he caresses my cheek with the back of his knuckles.
Resisting the urge to kick him where the sun don’t shine right now, is almost impossible.
But he said it, one thing I’ve been dreading, he said he was going to kill Oliver. I have to tell him my plans, he can’t hurt him, it’ll kill me if he does.
“I’m breaking up with Oliver” I whisper making him tilt my head upwards to look him in the eyes.
“What was that?” His face held a genuine smile, it’s fucking terrifying.
“I’m breaking up with Oliver” I repeat it in the same tone, word by word. He hugs me tightly.
“I fucking love you. Are you finally accepting us?” He breaks the hug and looks at me with pure happiness and relief.
“There is no ’US’, I hate you” I spoke with pure venom even though it was a whisper. He chuckled at my response and grips my hips tightly.
“Silly girl. You are mine and always will be mine. You will never get away from me. I won’t let anyone take you away from me. You will always be with me.” He kissed me lightly on the lips. He brushes the hair out of my face with his hand, he leans in to my ear. “Do you understand?” He whispered in a dangerous tone.
What he just said was enough to stop me breathing, I will never be yours, you psychotic paedophile, is what I want to say but I can’t, not right now.
I nod my head and he kiss’s me on the forehead “I know you love me really. Just admit your feelings now, it’ll be easier for both of us. Now, don’t keep him waiting. I can’t wait to see this” he smiles and leaves the bathroom.
The exit the bathroom and I see Oliver right where I left him, I can’t look at him, I’m hurting him so much.
He sees me and walks over to me, he places his hands on my shoulders “Casey it’s okay, calm down, just breath.” His hand cups one side of my jaw as his thumb stokes my cheek, I can’t help but lean in to his hand. He’s so perfect.
I want to kiss him again, I’ve never felt so happy, the butterflies in my stomach went out of control when he kissed me and I kissed him back. It felt so good. But Mr Kyle is watching, I know he is.
He always is.
I take deep breaths before speaking.
“I’m so sorry Oliver-”
“Stop apologising and tell me who’s-” his eyes drift to my neck “why is your neck so red Casey?” He looks around then back to me. He goes to touch my neck but I flinch “who did this?” He whispers to me.
“I have to break up with you” he looks at me in shock “It’s the only way, please don’t hate me. We can’t be together. You will get hurt. I’m so sorry Oliver.” A tear ran down my cheek and he’s quick to wipe it away with his thumb.
“Oh Casey. It’s okay, I understand, but I can protect you” he whispers as I shake my head frantically.
“You can’t. It’s not safe. Please don’t hate me.” I beg him as more tears come to my eyes.
“I don’t, never will and simply cannot ever hate you, you have to know that. Let’s just get you home safe, okay?” He takes my hand and grabs our stuff. Oliver walks me home. I’m about to walk into the house when Oliver calls out. “Please, take this” he holds the bear out to me and I take it, he smiles at me before hugging me “I had to bribe an arcade employee to get it. We really suck at those machines” he chuckled before turning serious. “You can always come to me, you know that, right? You can always talk to me. I will find out what’s going on and I will help you any way I can. I can’t let you go Cas, not like this.”
“Thank you” I whisper into his chest, he kisses my head and walked away.
I walk up to my room, turn on my music so mum doesn’t hear, clutching the bear tight in my arms as I lie on my bed sobbing.
I hate myself.
I hate what I’ve become.
I’m sick of feeling sad. I’m sick of feeling worthless and weak. I’m sick of feeling angry. I want to feel anything else but this.
I don’t know what I feel anymore, all my emotions are jumbled up. Sad, angry, fear, happiness. I don’t know, they’re all mixed. I feel them all and yet, none at all.
I start to hit my legs in a tantrum then pull on my hair, pulling stringy clumps out with my hands. I cross my arms and grab the flesh of my biceps either side and squeeze them with my hands, I dig my nails into my skin to get a better grip feeling only one thing.
It clears my head so well.
I dig my nails in more watching the skin around them turn white and red starts to ooze from my nails, enjoying the sting every now and then from the little cuts.
My breathing regulates and I fell myself calm as every other mixed-up emotion dissipates from my body.
Breathing in and out deeply I smile as all I can feel is relaxed.
I grab the bear Oliver got me, though it reminds me of Mr Kyle as well because he got me that stupid one on the shelf, I hug it tight to my chest as I can still smell Oliver on it.
I slowly slip into darkness finally feeling a sense of calm.