I can’t remember who or what for, but I’m frantically looking for something in school. I went in and out of each classroom and turned the place upside down. The school was eerily quiet with no one in sight.
I was screaming and crying out but I couldn’t make out what I was saying, everything was just a blur.
I was walking down the hallway when I heard someone chucking all around me, coming from every angle.
I ran down the corridor and turned a corner to see Mr Kyle. He was smiling at me. He motioned for me to come closer. I shook my head so much it made it throb in pain.
All of the sudden Mr Kyle had Oliver in front of him with his arm around his neck. “I told you I was going to kill him” he spoke in a menacing voice.
I screamed and pleaded as Mr Kyle held a gun up to Oliver’s temple and I loud BANG echoed down the hallways I opened my eyes not even realising I had shut them. Expecting to see a body I was surprised to see nothing before me. The chucking started again and I searched once more.
I turned a corner to see Mr Kyle again but this time with Lou.
The same happened again and again with everyone I care for.
My eyes snap open and I finally woke up from the same nightmare that had been haunting me for weeks. My bed was damp due to the amount I had been sweating. My pillow was soaked from my tears.
I feel like I’m slowly going insane. I feel on edge, like I’m going to break at any moment.
I have bruises but not from him. I have scratches but he didn’t do them.
Why? I don’t know but it clears everything out of my mind. Its distinct, it wipes away all the confusion and replaces it with one, just one thing, one feeling.
I’m doing something I never thought I’d do, harm myself purposely. My whole life, it’s never come close to being in my head but now, all this shit with Mr Kyle, he’s done this, he’s breaking me mentally. Bit by bit.
I hurt myself to help myself. How fucked up is that? But it’s the only thing that seems to help. The only thing that helps me focus, calm down. I no longer recognise myself in the mirror.
My eyes have dulled and no longer contain life. My smiles cease’s to exists. My arms bare my mental torment, self-harm plasters my biceps with small curved lines from my nails.
Another week has passed in a blink of an eye. I’ve managed to convince Mr Kyle to stop giving me ‘detentions’ every break time because mum was starting to get mad, I agreed to come willingly.
‘I agreed to come willingly’. None of this is ‘willingly’
I spend lunch in the toilets. I’ve not spoken to anyone from the gang since I broke up with Oliver and he’s not spoken to me. I just know he hates me.
I moved away from them in lessons as well, apart from Science, I have to sit next to Oliver because there aren’t any available seats for me to move to. I tried to get Jacob to swap but he refused.
Every time I look at them, every time I look at mum and Lou, every time I even look towards the principle’s office, every time I want to run away, fight back, hit him, scream at him. I picture him holding a gun to their heads.
I walk through the hallway to my locker, I keep my head down, my chin practically touching my collarbone as I watch my feet take each step.
I get to my locker and when I open it, I’m faced with a rose.
I used to love roses, they were so beautiful and fragile, I used to love their scent, I used to stare at them for hours just looking at their intricate petals forming a pattern to the centre.
That was before, before him. Now I hate them, I’m disgusted by them. They make me want to cry.
Attached is a small tag saying ‘love D.K’. As if I wouldn’t know who it came from.
I take the flower and quickly hide it in my bag. I take a petal from it as well as the note and open the notebook about Mr Kyle. I stick them both in and write the date and time. When I’m finished, I put my books in my locker and slowly make my way to Mr Kyle with my head hung low.
Knocking on the door like always I hear a chipper ‘come in’ and open the door. Mr Kyle, like always, is sat at his chair as he watches me.
“Lock the door” he requests, I do so and turn to face him.
“Come here” I slowly make my way to him, as I get to him, I take my bag off my shoulders and place it beside his desk like always.
He reaches for me and takes both my wrists in his hands gently. Moving back on his chair he pulls me in front of him. My head still hanging low he reaches for my waist pulling me forward, he taps my left thigh, signalling he wants me to lift my leg. I already know he wants me to straddle him.
I lift my leg and place it one side of him, then do the same with the other once he signals for it too. He grips my waist as I move, supporting me.
Once successfully on his thighs he moves me forward, closer to him. He moves my arms one by one under his arms and on his shoulder blades as he slowly places my head on his collarbone. With my ear to his chest, I can hear his heart beating calmly and his slow intake of breaths. He kisses my head making me squeeze my eyes shut as he places his arms around me.
He begins drawing circles with his index finger on one hand on my back before speaking “oh sweet Casey, you’ve been so good lately.” He states, his voice deep, sending vibrations through his chest into me.
“You got the rose?” He asks as I nod. “Good, did you take it or leave it?”
I take a second before speaking “it’s in my bag” I gently spoke choosing my words carefully. I never know what to say around him, his moods are unpredictable. One wrong word and that’s it.
His hand stokes my back up and down, from my neck to the small of my back. “Good girl” he praises.
He wheels his chair to the side before pulling my shoulders making me sit up straight. He takes my arms and places them on my lap.
I keep my head down at all times, I hate looking into his eyes. They’re hypnotic, they make me freeze, it’s like looking into the abyss. They almost get darker. His brown eyes seem to turn black.
He reaches down to my bag, he’s never been in my bag before, I start to panic, what if he finds the notebook. He’ll be pissed for sure. What can I do?
I watch his hands as he unzips it, reaching in and pulling out the rose. He places my bag back on the floor and my heart returns to its normal speed.
He twirls the rose between his fingers.
“Look at me, my love” I hesitate for a second or two before lifting my head. I look at his face and see his smile, it sends a shiver down my spine as I let out a shaky breath.
His hand reaches up to me as he pins one side of my hair behind my ear. His hand returning to my face to cup my cheek. With his other hand he repeats the action but instead of cupping my face he slides the stem of the flower behind my ear.
“Beautiful” he mumbles “so perfect” he moves his hand from my cheek to my chin, lightly holding it with his thumb on my chin and his index finger on my neck.
He leans down and I pull back not wanting him to kiss me. He sends me a glare “don’t ruin things now, dear Casey” he warns as his lips attach to mine. He quickly slips his tongue into my mouth. I move my hands to push away but his other hand catches them both and he pulls away.
“Stop” is all he says before letting go. “Don’t be stupid, Casey” he spoke with a clear warning voice, soft but deep and gruff.
My hands start to shake as he places my them around his neck and leans back in. He moans into my mouth before trailing kisses down my jaw to my neck where he starts licking my skin. I hadn’t even noticed I had started crying until one tear found its way to my lips and I tasted its sweet saltiness.
His hands on my waist got tighter as he started sucking on my neck. I couldn’t take much more of this, it just keeps progressing and getting worse.
I started to feel something under me, my body started to shake uncontrollably when I realised what it was. I let out a strangled sob and yanked my hands away from his neck to his chest.
“Sto-p” I push and keep pushing on his chest to get away, he lets out a growl-like noise and bit my neck making me yelp, he then started to chuckle against my neck. “Please stop” My hands go to his on my waist as I try to rip them off, when that doesn’t work, I lift them to his neck and successfully managed to push him off me.
The moment I saw his face I regretted it. He snatched my wrists and held them tightly causing me to wince. He took one of my hands and held the back of it with his palm, encasing his giant hand over mine, slowly he pushed it against his chest.
“Touch me” his voice was full of need as he begged. I sat there shocked staring into his black eyes. He started to rub my hand up and down his chest, I felt every part of his toned chest against my hand.
He let out a grunt as his grip got lighter. “Do it” he whispered in a warning tone. As his grip got lighter, I slowly gained control of my hand.
“Undo the top buttons” he commanded as he let go of my hand. I didn’t move so he sent me a glare. I quickly undid 4 of his top buttons, starting from his collar.
His chest was hairless making me wonder if he waxed or shaved, if so, then why? Hold up, why am I even wondering this? His pecks were well toned and his skin was moulded perfectly to his body, he really does work out.
“Continue” he said watching me.
His hand wrapped around mine again and placed my hand back on his now bare chest and kept going, slowly stroking his chiselled chest until he completely removed his hand from mine.
He lets out a few more moans before eventually stopping me completely. He put his hand behind my neck and lowers me down to his chest.
For the rest of break we stayed like that, I felt so uncomfortable lying on his bare chest like this whilst I could feel his hardness under me. I felt so dirty.
This whole thing feels like another nail in my coffin, I feel it move me closer to the edge. The edge of what, I still don’t know but what I do know is that when I fall, it’s not gunna be good.
I cried silently and stayed still. He let me go a few minutes before the bell, I took the rose from my ear, put it back in my bag and I went to my next class.
I’ve gotten good at covering the fact that I’ve been crying, I’ve learnt ways to cover it. I’ve had to adapt to this horrific situation.
After Art I wander to Science. Sitting next to Oliver is horrible, he doesn’t even look at me, he doesn’t acknowledge my presence.
After 15 minutes of learning about carbon monoxide Mr Kyle starts picking on people to tell him what they learned, a fact about carbon monoxide.
“Jenny” Mr Kyle calls.
“Um...” she looks down to her book.
“Ah ah, tell me what you can remember” he scolds.
“I-um. It’s in the atmosphere?”
“It’s a greenhouse gas” she states a little more confidently.
“Good. Casey?” I look up to him “Care to share something you’ve learned?”
I feel myself heat up. I try to swallow the lump that forms in my throat but I can’t stop it.
I go to answer but something just snaps in me.
I’ve fallen over the edge...
I can’t take it, the stress and anger. The worry and sadness. But now I feel only two emotions, anger and sadness.
They seem to try to overpower each other until one takes over.
I grip my book at both sides, I notice my hands shaking, I tear the books pages each side, once the first page rips the next comes to view and I rip it too, I keep going until someone stops me.
I look at Oliver who’s staring at me but it’s not his hands it’s Jacobs. He’s holding onto my shoulders from behind. I hear muffled sounds as I look at him but it’s too late, I can’t hold it anymore, I break down.
I wipe the book and torn pages onto the floor and look up once more to Mr Kyle who’s watching me with shock, worry, anger and confusion.
Tears form in my eyes and I can’t control it, I start to sob uncontrollably. I bring my legs up to my chest on the chair and sob into my knees. I grip my hair and start tugging on it. That’s when something strange happens.
Everything goes blurry, my head starts to hurt and the room starts spinning. I can’t breathe, it feels like I’m underwater. Gasping for air but not getting any.
My chest restricted and my heart hammering against my chest, I suddenly can’t hear anything. My hands, my whole body shaking.
I see Mr Kyles mouth moving but all I can hear is a high-pitched ringing.
I feel a hand on my back as black spots cover my vision.
Damian Kyles Pov
As much as I love my little Casey, even though she’s been so good these last couple weeks, it pissed me off when she pulled me away. It took all I had not to slap her.
Why? Why is she trying to ruin things? Why now? Things were getting so good, perfect even, so why is she trying to hurt, no, piss me off? Why is she trying to make me angry?
I’ve been too nice to her, maybe I need to embarrass her a little. Nothing bad. But I know how much all kids hate to be picked on in class. Hell, I hated it when I was at school.
The tart of the group finally answers my question. Not wanting to waste any more time on her, I move on “Good. Casey?” her little face looks up to me. Shocked wide eyes, mouth slightly parted, I smirk inwardly “Care to share something you’ve learned?”
I watch her go pale with bright red cheeks, oh her beautiful blush, but it doesn’t last long as her face goes completely white.
I watch as she reaches out to her book, I was about to tell her not to read from it when I notice her grip it tighten, then in seconds she tore it to shreds.
I watch in shock. What’s going on with her? Is she doing this on purpose? Is she trying to show me up? My shock soon turns into anger, I don’t want to slap her anymore. No. I want to punch her, hit her so hard she bruises. Then when the bruise is black and blue, I’ll press down on it to keep it that way.
Her friend behind her grips her shoulders and tell her to ‘stop’ and to ‘calm down’ but she just swipes all the distraction she caused off the table, scattering the paper on the ground.
Everyone in the room jumps at the movement but she doesn’t so much as flinch. Her eyes meet mine once more and I watch her pretty little face scrunch up and go red. Her eyes gloss over with tears, she curls into a ball and sobs.
What is wrong with her? What is she doing? I didn’t mean for this, my sweet, little love is in pieces and I can’t even comfort her.
She starts to tug on her hair, visually ripping it out of her skull “Casey, calm down” I try to stay calm but my voice wavers as the worry comes through.
Her sobs drown out and she seems to be calming down. She looks up from her knees and her breathing is virtually non-existent.
Her whole body’s shaking violently as she gasps for breath. She covers her ears with her hands and her face shows pain. The little shit Oliver puts a hand on her back and whispers things to her that I cannot hear. That piss’s me off.
“Don’t touch her.” I look around the room to see everyone staring “everybody out” I try to remain calm, all but Oliver and Jacob leave. “Jacob go get the school nurse” the kid speeds down the hall past the other students.
“you may leave” I said sternly to the brat.
“With all due respect Sir, I’m not going anywhere when she’s like this” oh, oh, oh, if she wasn’t here right now, I would have killed him.
The brat hugs her and whispers in her ear, seconds later she goes limp in his hold. Soon enough the nurse comes in and lies Casey on the ground, keeping her feet elevated to get the blood flow back to her head.
She had a breakdown and a panic attack. I’m not sure why. Was it the embarrassment? Shock? Why did it cause a panic attack let alone a breakdown?
The door opens and her idiot friends waltz in. Aren’t they supposed to be in their classes? The girl runs to her before being denied a hug by the nurse as Casey lies motionless on the floor. She’s still passed out.
Ruckus in the hallway pulls my attention as I unwillingly leave my darling with her friends and the nurse.
“No, me first!” I hear Becks’s voice.
“Why is it always you?” Ben?
“Guys! She clearly loves me the most so shouldn’t it be me?” Thomas?
“Will you all get to your lessons! She’s woken up she’s o-” the nurse didn’t get to finish her sentence before I was bombarded with faces.
“Cas? You good? What happened?” Oliver asked.
“Cas, why did you stop breathing? ” said Ben.
“Did you black out?” Becks wondered.
“Hey Cas, settle something for us, who do you want to hug you first?” Everyone glared at Thomas who was pointing to himself and mouthing ‘me’.
Becks slaps his shoulder “you doofus.”
“What did I say!?” He said defensively holding his hands in defence.
“What happened?” I sat up looking around the room.
“Don’t you remember?” Oliver looked confused when I shook my head.
I remember what happened but I don’t know what happened to me.
The school nurse came to my side “Casey Nickles, right?” I nod “we’ve informed your mother about the incident. It looks like you had a panic attack” I looked at her confused “have you ever had them before?”
“You blacked out. You should be fine but we did call an ambulance that’s on route. It should be here any minute.”
“An ambulance?! I wanna go!” Becks screamed.
I rolled my eyes and led back on the floor feeling exhausted.
“Why the hell do you think you should go?” Oliver looks at her with anger because of her excitement.
“Let’s make a deal, you can have the first hug and I’ll go in the ambulance” Becks smiles at her proposal.
“I’m sorry to burst your bubble but no one’s going in the ambulance, in fact you should all be in class” the nurse raises a brow to them. She sounded quite annoyed, probably because all they really do is argue.
“Look Miss, I’m sorry but we’re not leaving our friend. Class is almost over and I’m sure we’re all gunna get detentions for this but we don’t care.” Becks explains with as much politeness as she can muster.
“Besides it’s the last lesson of the day, the bell will go soon, so one of us could go in the ambulance” Ben eyes me with a cheeky smile.
“Do you think the paramedics will be cute. Paramedics are always cute” Becks excitedly asked the boys who all rolled their eyes and Thomas has his hand on his forehead “what?!” Becks cried.
“How long was I out?” I ask around hoping one of them will answer.
“2 years. We just left you on the floor because you looked so comfy.” I hear Thomas joke. Oliver punches his arm and he seems to actually be hurt as he rubs where he was hit.
“About 2 minutes, not too long” the nurse answers.
“How, why are you here?” I ask the gang.
“Jacob got us from our classes after he got the nurse. It was hilarious seeing Mrs Dickson’s angry face when he stormed in and shouted for me. Even funnier when I ran out the door.” Thomas laughed before his face turned scared ” I’m so dead” I giggled.
Mrs Dickson and him really don’t get along so out of everyone, he’ll probably get a week of detentions from her.
“Back to the hug??” Ben draws my attention.
“Me!” Thomas raised his hand eagerly.
“We should vote” Ben suggests.
“Seriously?” I mutter.
“Come on, who’s first?”
“I vote Oliver goes first” Becks yelled raising her hand giving me a wink.
“I nominate myself to go first” Thomas shouted.
“You can’t do that” Ben yelled “you can’t vote for yourself!”
“But I just did. Becks get him!”
Becks didn’t even hesitate, she let out an ear-splitting battle cry and jumped on Bens back. She seemed overly joyous to hurt him as Thomas joined in.
“Come on you guys, don’t hurt the old man!” I shouted as Oliver got up to go to them. I’m pretty sure they heard me but chose to ignore it as Becks and Thomas’s attacks didn’t waver whilst Ben was trying not to be pinned down. Oliver pulled them apart and they finally stopped fighting.
“Children” Oliver said under his breath shaking his head disapprovingly but also smiling.
They all stood far apart from each other and Ben in particular was mumbling a series of bad words under his breath.
The nurse was packing up her things acting like Becks wasn’t just ripping out Bens hair, she shook her head with an irritated look.
“No one hugs me and no one’s going in the ambulance because I’m not going in the ambulance, I’m fine” I said as I stood up.
The bell went as I picked up my stuff and the paramedics walked in. They asked me a bunch of questions like, what have you eaten today? Did i skip a meal? Have I fainted before? Have I had a panic attack before? Any reason why you have a breakdown? Bla, blabla, bla blah...
As they left, I seen Becks dribbling at them and Ben nudged her with his elbow, she returned the hit and they continued like this for some time until Thomas stopped them.
We talked, well they talked, I just stood and nodded. Eventually they gave me hugs, even though I said I didn’t want any, they then left leaving me and Oliver. He hugged me too and I went to leave after.
“Cas, this yours?” I turn to see him holding a small book.
“No, it doesn’t-” I look closer. Shit that fucking notebook. “Y-yes, yes that’s mine thank you” I snatch it from his hands and stuff it into my bag quickly. He looks at me suspiciously but let’s me go.
I’m my room, crying once more, I hold the teddy Oliver got me tight to my chest like always. It’s a really good for comfort, I can’t really sleep without it, it helps that it still smells like him.
The remnants of the rose scatter the floor. I tore the misguided show of his ‘love’ and ‘affection’ apart. I hate it. Even the pieces taunt me.
I look up to see the one Mr Kyle got for me and frown at it. As I look at it, I notice something different about it. It’s eyes, they are a, a different colour.
I get up from the bed and take it off the shelf. Comparing it with Oliver’s one. I see the eyes are bigger and glossy where as Oliver’s are smaller and a matt black.
I take the bear Mr Kyle got me and inspect it. I look at the back of its neck and see the fluffy furs a little funny, somethings wrong... Parting the fur I see obvious amateur stitch marks.
What the fuck?
I rip the stitching out and dig inside the head, when I feel something, I stop my movements. With shaky hands I pull it out.
In my hand I hold a tiny spy camera that’s hooked up to the eyes of the bear.
Anger consumes me as I throw it to the floor and stomp on it repeatedly, breaking it into thousands of pieces. That fucking bastards been watching me through and spy camera in my own room.
Grabbing a coat, I leave the house, I don’t even know where I’m going, I just need to get out.
I walk for a while when I make it to the outside of a house, I recognise it. Why did I walk here? I turn to leave when a voice calls out.
“Casey?” It sounds as confused as I am, I turn to see Oliver. Tears trickle down my face as I look at him. I practically run to him wrapping my arms around him. He immediately returns the hug.
“Do you want to come inside?” He asked in a soft voice. I nod my head and we go inside.
I spent a few hours at Oliver’s before I left at 12am. Mum was pissed but she understood.
I have to get out of this mess, I have to now! I have to play nice so he’ll trust me then and only then can I sneak away and go to the police. But I know he’s watching me right now, so I have to wait. I’m not sure if there’s any other cameras in here so I need to act normal.
Normal...What is normal?
As soon as my exhausted body hits the soft bed and my arms wrap around the blue teddy Oliver got for me, my eyes close and I drift off to sleep.