My hands are clawing at his and once I see his face, I can’t help but scratch at that too.
“Ow! You little-damnit Casey!” He recoils from me and sits up clutching his face.
I wrap my arms around my head, wanting to just curl up into a little ball and disappear from the world.
I don’t want to see his face. I don’t want him to hit me again.
I don’t want to see what he’s going to do.
I just sob and sob into my own embrace.
I know there’s no getting away this time, my body just seems to give up as all I want to do is comfort myself and cover my face with my arms.
The silence drags on for what seems like forever, in between sobs I hear his deep breathing slow down. I dare not peek from my arms so I keep still.
What’s he doing? Why isn’t he moving? What’s he planning?
I slowly peek from between my arms that are covering my face. He’s staring at me intently, not me actually, my arms.
“You’re bleeding” he states.
He gently takes my wrist, surprised by the carefulness of his movements, I don’t retaliate. I see blood coming from my wrist, a trail sliding down my arm “why do you care?” I sniffle as I ask.
He goes to take off my wristband, only then do I realise where it’s from.
Shit, he can’t look.
I struggle but it’s not enough. He takes the band off and the bandages.
He examines my wrist, trailing his thumb along the now open cuts. Tears fill my eyes almost ashamed of what I’ve done.
“What the fuck is this?!” He shouts not looking away from the self-inflicted wounds.
He suddenly looks at me and gets close to my face “You are not to kill yourself! Do you hear me? You will not ever mark your body! You will never ever escape me, do you hear?!” He screams at me before slapping me hard across the face.
“I-i’m so-sorry! I’m sorry! That’s not what I, I wasn’t going to-”
" you will never kill yourself, you will never leave me” he was almost begging. Why does he care so much? All he ever does is hurt me.
“Stupid, stupid girl” he huffs and pulls my arms from the floor, pulling me into his chest, engulfing me in a hug. I sob into his chest. I don’t even notice that we are both basically half naked.
He whispers sweet things and hushing sounds in my ear as he tightly holds me.
“I wasn’t. I wasn’t gunna, I would never do that” I cried.
“Do what, my sweet little doll?” He whispers softly into my ear.
“K-kill myself.” He stiffens “I just wanted to feel something. Something other than this.”
“And what do you feel baby? What do you feel that’s so bad that the only other option is to mark your body? To hurt yourself like this?”
“You!” I shriek “It’s all because of you! The way you make me feel. I feel disgusting and dirty. I feel sick and unclean, it’s all because of you! Because of what you do to me!”
I start to beat his chest with my weak arms, “I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!” I chant as my arms hit his chest, surprisingly he doesn’t make a move to stop me. He just sits and watches me, not flinching or moving in the slightest.
When I see it does literally nothing but hurt my hands, I bring them to my face, covering my eyes and using my forearms as a shield because looking at his face makes me feel like I’m going to vomit.
His hand goes to the back of my neck as he pulls me back down to his chest as I sob into my hands.
“I know baby, I know.” He cooed stroking my hair. “Never, ever mark yourself. Never ever...hurt yourself. Never do something that will turn out to be permanent”
Is he talking about scars or death?
Nevertheless, I nodded into his chest so this can end quicker.
Damian Kyle’s Pov
What happened to my darling Casey? Where did I go wrong? All I’ve ever done is love her, what was so wrong with that?
She’ll be okay once I take her away from all this, then she’ll see how much I love her and realise how much she loves me. I see it in her eyes, I know it’s there. We can be happy.
I’ll make her happy.
I forget sometimes her age, her inexperience. It was stupid of me to do this, I just about pushed her over the edge.
I just lost control. The darkness in me crept out. If she keeps pushing me like this, I will end up doing something bad. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to force her but at the moment she needs to learn. Once she accepts things, we’ll be okay.
After a while of holding her in my embrace I lay her gently back on the ground. She’s so still, so weak.
I’ve done this to her.
I’d be lying if I said It didn’t please me, bringing some twisted sense of satisfaction.
She doesn’t fight back in any form. She just stays still. I lean back from her, sitting in a upright position over her thighs, I look down at her tiny body.
She’s so perfect. Beautiful curves, tiny waist, flat stomach, perfect sized breasts. The list goes on and on. She’s so mesmerising.
I look at the state she’s in, it breaks my heart. I did this.
I left theses bruises, every one of them. I made these tears fall. Even though it’s hard to look at, I’m glad.
She’s breaking, I’m breaking her, everything’s going to plan.
Break her then fix her.
Then she’ll be perfection.
Then her mind, body and soul will be mine. She’ll worship the ground I walk on. She’ll obey my every command. She’ll be mine and only mine and I can’t wait.
I hold back my smile. This is not a circumstance I should smile at. But I can’t help it, she’s so close. Things are nearly ready, the plan is almost in motion. Soon, so soon.
Just a little longer my sweet Casey, hang on a little more.
Now she’s seen my anger and jealousy, she needs to see my kindness and love. I need to be gentle with her now I’ve scared her into submission. However, I still won’t hesitate to punish her.
I reach down to her trousers and grab the waistband, her little shaking hands come up, not touching but hovering above mine. I ignore them and swiftly pull up her trousers, i do the button and zip up too.
She looks at me with confusion but quickly looks away. I grab her shirt and lift each of her frail arms into the sleeves, it fell off her shoulders when she sat up. I was being careful not to brush the white material with her bleeding wrist.
I frown as I look at it, how can she do such a thing? Then blame me nonetheless. I didn’t think she’d ever do something like that, I thought her mind was stronger than that. I almost think I’ve pushed her too far but that’s impossible since I haven’t broken her yet. Not just yet.
Once the shirt is around her, I start doing up the buttons starting from her collar. I get to the last three and stop, her stomach is purple. I didn’t think I kicked her that hard, she’s so fragile. Honestly, I wasn’t thinking at all at that time, rage had consumed me.
I gently place my hand on her abdomen over a particularly nasty bruise and gently stroke her skin back and forth.
“I’m sorry” I look to her face to see her reaction. Nothing. Like she didn’t hear me at all. “I am sorry doll, I didn’t... I didn’t know how hard I was hitting you. I regret my actions. I never want to hurt you. I only want to love you.”
Her eyes hold so much hurt, probably remembering every hit I’ve given her. Still saying nothing I sigh and do the rest of the buttons up.
Her eyes are watering still but she’s not crying. She’s so strong, she never wants to let them go.
No, not strong, stubborn.
God, I love that in her. This was the first time I truly seen her as an emotional wreck. Sure, I’ve seen her cry, like when I was kicking her, she cried but not like this.
It was different, hysterical sobbing. Her fear of having sex is big. I understand she’s afraid, she doesn’t understand her feelings towards me, what she sees as hate is really love. I can see it.
Still, that doesn’t stop it from hurting when she says it.
I can see I’m going to have to go slow with her. Really slow. I’m going to have to coax her into things gently. This was too much and I see that now. Maybe I’ve been going too fast this whole time. How could I be so lust-driven?
Sitting up on my knees a little higher than before, I lean over her. I brush the hair from her damp face, from the tears and sweat, I wipe my thumb under her eyes. After putting on my own shirt and waistcoat, I look down to her again.
I collect her arms by her biceps and pull her into me once more. I put my arms under hers and pull her up with me into a standing position.
I try to get her to stand but her feet slip and slide from under her and her legs are too weak to hold her own weight right now, she needs rest. I pick her up bridal style and sit down on my chair.
Spinning her on my lap so her front is on mine. I rest her head on my chest and I go into my draws. I grab my first aid kit and take it out. I lean her forward and start to clean her nose. I wipe the dried blood away with an antiseptic wipe before wiping her whole face with a baby wipe.
I think she’s in shock, she hasn’t moved or talked for a while. I grab and unfold the aluminium blanket and wrap it around her shoulders.
I honestly, I don’t really understand how it helps but I know that’s what your meant to do. For comfort, warmth or something.
I then address her wrist, it’s still seeping blood. I gently raise it and look to her “doll? This is going to sting, okay?” She makes no move and I carefully wipe it. She goes a little tense but still doesn’t say anything. She is stubborn, strong minded and strong willed.
I wipe the blood away from her arm and place a bandage around it.
“No more of this, do you hear me?” I said motioning to her cut wrist.
I sigh and pull her to me. I wrap her in a tight hug. Before cleaning the scratch’s she gave me, one going from my cheek to my neck and three making their way down my neck. I’m oddly proud of her. She always puts up a good fight.
There’s one more thing I need to sort with her before I let her go. On a plus, I think it will get her to talk and snap out of whatever she’s doing.
“Casey. Why did you tell him?”
“Casey. Why did you tell him?” His voice was surprisingly soft, real soft, not like when he does that creepy angry-face-calm-voice thing.
Then it dawned on me. He meant Oliver.
My heart sank “About what to whom?” there was no way he was talking about Oliver, he can’t be.
“Don’t play games Casey, why did you tell Oliver about us?”
“You make it sound like we’re in a relationship” I grumble running away from the question.
“We are.” He chuckled “Now answer the question.”
I can’t tell him about the notebook maybe I should tell him a half truth?
“I didn’t, he, he found one or two of your notes from my bag when I knocked it over in class.”
“One or two?”
“He didn’t specify.”
“Then how did he know it was me? I don’t put my name on those notes, remember?” he growled.
“He was in the hallway when I ran out your classroom, he seen the state I was in and I guess, put two and two together.” I took a moment suddenly realising the current predicament I was in. “I-I’m sorry, don’t hurt me, I’m so, so sorry, I’m sorry.” I cried. I’m petrified right now.
But he doesn’t hurt me, he does the exact opposite.
“Shh, shhh, hush now sweetheart, you’re okay, it’s okay. I got you, it’ll all be alright. You’re safe babydoll. Hush hush” he kept whispering things to me as he rocked me in his chair “it’s okay, I understand. You’re scared, I know. But it’s okay, I sorted it and we’ll get through this.”
I didn’t understand a thing he was saying, everything came out muffled, I couldn’t focus until he said something suspicious, what does he mean by ′i sorted it’?
Somehow, I already knew the answer.
“where’s Oliver?” He tensed at the name. I sat upright with my head in his direction but I kept it hanging low. He kept his hands firmly placed on my thigh/knees to make sure I couldn’t make a run for it like I have before.
“You don’t have to worry about him.”
My eyes jolt to his “What did you do?” I breathlessly spoke.
“That doesn’t matter.”
“What happened!? Where is he!?”
A growl came from his throat “The stupid boy threaten me, threatened us.” I shook my head frantically and tried to stand up from his lap, he held me down, he eventually let me go. I immediately stumbled down to the floor, why am I so weak?
“What did you do!” I shouted as tears welled in my eyes. He did something, I know it, he did something to Oliver. Why wasn’t he in school today?!
He rose up from his seat and looked down at me “he came in here shouting his face off. He threatened me saying if I touched you again, he’d go to the police” he started laughing maniacally “even went as far as saying that he will take you away from me. Such a foolish boy.”
Oh, Oliver. You sweet, stupid fool.
“Where is he?”
“Far away from here! Far away from you.”
“Did you hurt him?” I don’t know why I asked, I know he has, Oliver would never leave me.
“Why do you care? You won’t need and will never see him again. You have me! ”
“I don’t want you!” I scream, hoping he will finally get it into his fucking head.
He knelt down to me “You don’t mean that, I know you don’t, you’re just upset and angry. I understand that you’re tired, today has been very testing for both of us. I’ll love you no matter what you say.”
I sit in shock. “Tell me. Please, tell me what you did!? I have to know, did you hurt him, did you kill him, did you?!”
"Shhh, shhh, shhh. Calm down now baby, don’t get yourself worked up because of this. Because of him, god I knew he was a bad influence from the start, I should have done something sooner. That boy was a nuisance.”
All I could think about...
He said ‘was’. Past tense. ‘Was’...
My back hit a cold surface. I didn’t even realise I was backing towards the wall until then, Mr Kyle had followed, crawling on the floor like a real predator, trapping me.
“Did you shoot him?” I whisper, barely audible. He didn’t answer, he just smiled. Why is he smiling!?
“Can I go, I want to go, please let me go” I begged as my whole body shook.
“Hush Casey. I’m going to drive you home okay?”
“No! No. I don’t want you near me! Please just go away” I beg and cry out.
“I’m driving you home doll, you’re too weak to even stand, there is no way I will let you walk home. No arguments.”
Mr Kyle then collected his things and mine before leaving, he made sure no one was around when we walked down the corridors and we got in his car.
When we were in his car he went back into his bag and took a couple of pills out before handing them to me with a bottle of water. I look at him in suspicion.
“I’m trying to help you Casey. Thats ibuprofen, it contains anti-inflammatory and antibiotics and that’s a regular painkiller” he said pointing to two pills “the water is because you’re dehydrated. Drink all of it.”
I look at him before throwing the pills against the windshield, they bounce back and even crumble going in all directions in the car.
“Don’t try to help me now! You did this to me!”
"Fucks sake Casey! This is not just for you, you stupid girl. If your mother sees you like this, she’s going to get suspicious.” He grabs the packets again, taking out the exact same ones before holding them up.
“Take them. Now. Or I’ll have to force them down your throat.” He said sternly putting them in my hand.
I have no doubt that he will so I take the pills and down the water.
We pull into the drive and I go to get out. He locks the door. I look at him duly.
“You okay to walk?”
No but he’s not coming with me.
“You know I’m sorry don’t you.”
“Sorry about what? Hitting me for the millionth time? Making me bleed? Making me depressed? Have suicidal thoughts? Panic attacks? Break downs? Huh?” As I list things my voice rises “or maybe because you threaten and nearly raped me” he looks me dead in the eyes. Something flickers in them, regret? Guilt?
“Or because you killed Oliver ” my voice cracked in sorrow and he cracked a smile in happiness. Just like that whatever was in his eyes was gone.
“Oh, I’m not sorry for that. That little shit deserved everything he got” he shows me a toothy wicked smile with a murderous gaze.
Wait. Did he just, he killed Oliver. He just admitted to it. He killed Oliver. He killed Oliver!
“How? How did you do it?” I ask staring at my house.
“Do you really want to know?” I nod, he sighs “not now but soon I’ll tell you. But only If you really want to know, just not right now” his hand strokes through the back of my hair “you’re not ready right now.” He strokes my hair for a while, I continue to stare straight ahead at the house. Willing for someone to save me.
“Your hair is so beautiful, just like you. So soft and long, perfect shade of brown with a golden shimmer in the light.” His knuckle slide against my cheek “you’re completely perfect” he leans down and kisses my cheek.
He then lets me go. I stumble in the house and go straight to my room crying myself to sleep once more.
Mum and Lou had woken me up to go to the movies as planned. I really didn’t want to go but I had to put on a brave face for them.
After my nap and the painkillers Mr Kyle gave me, I felt better. I had a little energy and my legs were stronger.
We made it to the movies and I barely said a thing. They didn’t seem to notice though. We watched an animated movie and I just couldn’t get myself to laugh.
Mum bought me popcorn and a coke. I ended up giving Lou my popcorn without even touching it. I don’t feel like eating. Only then did I realise that I hadn’t eaten for a whole day. My stomach hurt but I don’t know if that was from hunger or the bruises.
Lou had a good time and that’s all that matters. I did drink the coke and it seemed to do the trick. I had more energy and I felt better with it. Must have been all the sugar.
After the movie we returned home and mum made pasta salad. I excused myself saying I wasn’t hungry and went to my room.
I go in my bedside table and write everything that happened in the notebook, it just seems ritualistic nowadays, routine. Only when I read it back do I realise that this had gone too far, way too far.
How could I let this happen? Oliver’s dead because of me! Mr Kyle nearly raped me. I still let him hold me, sooth me, help me! The hell am I doing!?
Oliver’s dead because of me!
Oliver’s dead because of me!!
BECAUSE OF ME!
...I should be dead.
Maybe I should just kill myself, it seems a lot easier than this. I shouldn’t have been so selfish. I should have done it from the beginning instead of being so stupid.
I should just die.
People will be happier without me. One less mouth to feed for mum. No collage fees. Lucas can have the bigger room. My friends won’t have to worry about me, Oliver-
Oliver wouldn’t be happy. He’d hate me right now. He’d be disappointed in me for thinking all of this, for giving up. What am I thinking? I’ve never had a suicidal thought before.
Mum and Lou would be so sad, she wouldn’t be able to pay for funeral bills. I can’t do that to them.
The fuck was I thinking!?
Yet the words repeat in my head, over and over.
I hate myself so much more now. Sneaking downstairs, I grab an actual knife from the kitchen without mum seeing and return upstairs.
Shit, a real knife, am I sure about this?..
An annoying voice in my head asks.
Of course, I am.
Not a second after the thought dissipates, I slash it three times across my left thigh.
Somewhere people won’t see it.
I flinch at the pain and gasp at the shockwaves that stab through me, but it goes away as I watch the skin split open and the sting becomes a pleasant dulled feeling.
The cuts are a good 10 cms long. The wound throbs as it takes a second before flooding with dark red liquid. I watch the blood trickle out, sliding down the sides of my thighs, leaving a trail of red.
How is it so beautiful to watch?
I anti-back, loving the burn of the chemicals, my leg shaking from the stinging pain as it slowly fades away. I bandage it tightly and clean up any droplets that fell.
Words he’d spoken spin throughout my head. He likes my hair huh? Long and brown? No anymore.
I grab a pair of scissors and start slashing at my hair. It was down to my bum now it’s shoulder length.
Brown? Not now. I grab some of mum’s hair-dye. She’s not a natural blonde. I mix the products together like I do when I help her with her hair and slap it all on. After waiting half an hour, I wash it all out.
Well, it’s not blonde. It’s ginger. I kinda like it. It’s a dark orange. Like copper. It’s really nice. I start laughing. Tomorrow’s gunna be fun, damn I really like it.
Ha! He even told me not to hurt myself anymore. What makes him think he can stop me from doing the one thing that makes me feel a little better? What makes him think he can stop me when he’s the one making me feel like this?
As my smile fades, I start to frown looking at the person in the full-length mirror. Bruises cover my arms now. I look at my reflection. I don’t see me. These games need to stop. How long is it going to be before he does rape me, kill me, or someone else I love?..
This does need to stop.
Look at me! The fuck have I become?!
I look at my wrist. I need to do something.
Glancing at my thighs. I cut myself...
I cut myself with a real fucking knife, not tweezers but a kitchen knife.
How long is it going to be before I decide to end my life? A minute ago, I was thinking about it, I was really contemplating it.
Ways I could do it flashed in my mind. How longs it gonna be before I, before I move the knife to my veins.
This needs to stop.
I’m losing my mind.
That’s it. I can’t do this anymore. I need to take the book to the police. I need, I have to tell the police.
This needs to end.
I sit on my bed and cry into the teddy Oliver got for me. I still think it smells like him but in reality, it doesn’t.
I go to I slip into darkness and sleep cuddling it.
Casey’s actions- I’m showing how this is affecting her mentally. Because of this and the unwanted attention, she is developing mental illnesses. Such as what you’ve already seen, depression, panic attacks, self-harm.
Her self-harming wasn’t originally linked to her wanting to die, it was a coping mechanism for her to clear her mind and emotions. Her mental and emotional pain. However, because of all that’s going on, she has developed depression and that’s where the sudden suicidal thought came from. She’s so confused and unsure what to do, she’s still a kid after all.
She wants to stop him from wanting her, hence why she remembers when he says he likes something specifically and that’s why she feels she has to change that thing to make him not want her.
She acting on impulse because she doesn’t know how to act or what to do. She is trying to fight back but it seems impossible for her. He’s overly violent and isn’t afraid to hurt her which scares her.
She wants to be strong and be able to fight back but he is stronger than her and smarter. In the moments when she’s weak and helpless, she takes it to heart. That’s all she remembers, the weak part of her and she’s hating herself more and more because of it.