One Sided Love

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Chapter 35



Casey’s Pov


How long has it been since he last came down? When will he be back? Is he going to leave me down here?

I have no one.

They all hate me. Why do they hate me? What did I do to make them hate me? I made them hate me. Why doesn’t he hate me? I can’t go home. I have nowhere to go. He should hate me. He will hate me. He doesn’t care. No one cares.

I want him. I hate him.I’m so alone.

How does he hurt me so much without even touching me? How does he make me so weak? I can’t stand on my own, can’t walk, can’t wash, can’t run, can’t escape, can’t even talk properly. I am cold and lifeless. I’m weak around him. He’s in my head.

I want him. I hate him.

I’m weak.

I have nothing. What’s the point? I should die. I’m broken. He took everything. He will take everything. I will have nothing. Unloved and unwanted.

I want him. I hate him.

I’m worthless.

When will he let me back up? Will he ever let me back up? I need him and I hate it. I hate it when he touches me but I like it too. I like his hugs. He loves me? He’s seen me naked. When will he be back? At least he wants me. Does he really want me? Why do I want him? Will he come back?

I want him. I hate him.

Such a slut.

Why does he want to hurt me so much? How can they forget about me? I can’t do this anymore. Can barely talk, a stuttering bitch. I’m so cold. I’m hungry but I feel sick. I need his help. I need him but why? I’m weak, too weak, always have been. I let him make me like this. Can’t even escape.

I want him. I hate him.

So pathetic.

My family’s gone. No one wants me. He wants me. Why? He loves me? He killed Oliver for us. Us? Oliver’s dead. He killed Oliver.

Oliver’s dead. I killed Oliver.

I want him. I hate him.

I’m a murderer.

The shadows move. They look like him sometimes. They look like Oliver too. I see eyes watching me in the darkness. I hear voices calling me.

I have to get him out. He’s in my head. I need him out.

Death? Pointless. Focus!

I can’t...

Pathetic.

They don’t stop. The thoughts never stop, the questions never stop. They go round and round in my head. They taunt me.

I want him and I need him but Oliver’s gone.

I hate him and I have him but Damian won’t let me go.

Focus!

I can’t.

I can only focus when he’s here. I can only think when he’s here. The questions, the voices quieten down when he’s here. Why?

He’s the devil.

He controls them.

He controls me.

SNAP OUT OF IT CASEY!

Think. Breath. Calm.

Calm? Pain.

I hit my head on the wall.

Thud...

Again.

Thud...

Again.

Thud...

Peace. Think. Focus!

Read!

I grab the book, and read. The words are too small, they move, squish together and even disappear.

READ!

I can’t.

Think. Focus!

The newspaper.

I grab it. Read. I read. I read 15 pages, then stop.

It stopped...

It skipped?

An article was cut off.

The pages, 15-19 are missing.

4 pages? 4 pages!

Me...

Oliver...

We were in the newspaper.

He took it out.

The pages are numbered like a book. Idiot! Both me and him. How did I not see it?

He tricked me. He messed with me.

They are looking. They want me. I’m not alone. Mum. I love you mum. They’ll find me. Hope. I have hope. Not forgotten. Not lost. I will be found. They will find me.

He doesn’t care he just wants control. Manipulation. Asshole!

The voices are going, his demons are leaving.

Think. Escape.

A million things, a million ways. I will get out. I will send his ass to jail. He will rot. I will live. I will survive. I will be a survivor. I am a survivor.

No giving up. I have hope.

They’re coming. I’m not alone.

They are coming for me.

They are.

———

Hours later, hell, probably days, I have no clue.

I’m okay. I’m better. I’ve calmed down, I’ve been thinking things through. I’m pretty sure I had a breakdown earlier, that was fun(!)

I have been through every circumstance and every opportunity. Every ending. Every success and every failure. That’s all I’ve been doing down here since I broke from his spell, I was doing it when I first got down here too. Planning an escape.

I’ve gone through every possible scenario in my head. Sure, most leads to him capturing me again but I still have to try.

I won’t let him brainwash me anymore. He’s fucked with my head and I can’t let it happen anymore.

How the hell did he convince me that my family had forgotten about me and moved on! How did he get me thinking I was so weak and useless...because I am.

No!

I am strong. I will get through this. I’ll kill him if I have to.

I will NOT depend on him.

I can’t lie, it was working so well. For a while I started to believe that he was the only one who could and would care for me, though, I didn’t understand why he would want me if no one else did. Some messed up part of me cares for him and I hate it.

But I understand now. It was so I wouldn’t leave. If I thought everyone hated me then I’d stay with the only one who claimed to love me.

I wouldn’t leave because it would only be me and him forever. I’d have nowhere else to go. No one else. Oh, that makes me feel sick just to think about.

I felt worthless and pathetic. I really did think my family had forgotten about me but he stupidly, but thankfully, left the newspaper down here. I was so heartbroken but, in my madness, I seen the middle pages where gone, an article missing half of its contents. 4 pages were missing.

That was all I needed. That was all I needed to see through his lies.

They are looking for me.

He will not get control over me.

Although, I must admit, I am fucking losing my mind down here. Even if it was just a mixture of the darkness and isolation, it would still have messed with my head.

But no, on top of that he had to manipulate and brainwash me. Chip at my sanity and guilt trip me.

That and the fact that when I do see the smug, pretentious prick, he nice.

Too nice...

Weirdly nice...

A part of me wants to trust him and I can tell it’s going to be hard to resist. That’s the part that cares.

I want closure, I want warmth, I want comfort and company.

For some reason when he’s around me everything stops. The questions in my head cease to exist, I calm down a little.

I’m scared I’ll do something wrong, that everything I do is wrong, I’ll panic thinking he’s going to punish me for anything. He makes me nervous but calm. It’s strange.

The voices in my head tell me everything I do is wrong. They convince me that I should say sorry for even speaking. I can think straight but everything revolves around him.

Those hugs were real, I needed them and I hate that I got comfort from him but it helped.

I was devastated when I thought they weren’t looking for me but it was just a sick trick from him and when I couldn’t even wash myself because of what he’s done to my fucking wrists I was so frustrated and angry at myself for not being able to do the most basic thing. I was also petrified that he would want to wash me.

You know when you just get so angry and frustrated you can’t help but cry, yeah that, that’s what happened. So those hugs were real, I needed them so bad.

But I just have to remember everything he’s done. Every hit, every slap, bleeding nose, split lip, kick, threat, every time he’s tried to rape me by losing his ‘control’. He drugged Lou, he drugged me, he drugged and killed Oliver. The bruises, the pain, the screaming, struggling, panic, the torment. I will never forget it.

My wrists, I am actually terrified to even look at my wrists, even though they are covered I can still picture them and what they look like underneath. It really did scare me, I thought the bruises he gave me were bad, I thought they were black, they didn’t even come close to how my wrists look.

I don’t have anything left to myself now, he’s seen me naked. I was relieved all those times he refused to look but know, I feel so exposed. He watched my every move. He stared at me with hungry eyes. I feel dirty, ants crawling under my skin. I want to scrub him away. How did I let him control my mind?

But hey, silver linings, right? I mean, yay(!) At least I have a damn bucket now...Note to sarcasm.

Thank goodness I don’t have to piss myself anymore, that was more than humiliating. But that’s what he wanted wasn’t it? To embarrass me, break me down.

I just need to play his fucked-up game.

The only hope I have left is that the police will find me sooner rather than later. If not, then there is always the airport. I have a few ideas concerning that.

Play his game.

That’s all I need to do. Play his game. Make him think he’s won and he’ll let his guard down.

This will be hard to fake though. With his fake kindness and guilt trips. The voices in my head are still trying to take over. This isn’t him, the real him. He’s shown me the real him before. He’s short tempered and abusive, he’s controlling and sexual. Whatever he’s trying to be now isn’t him. This is going to be tricky.

How do you trick the devil? Can you beat him at his own game? Will he see through it?

I guess all I have to do is stutter, be nervous, smile, be polite, DON’T fight back. That’s going to be hard. I can’t react to his touch. His kiss. I need to stay calm.

Then something hits me.

If hadn’t... if I hadn’t realised...the pages were missing, I would have given up. Whether it was to him or death, they would feel the same.

I have to play his game.

He won’t win. Ever.

Yes. Act weak. Need his help. Obey. Let him touch you, let him kiss you. Wait... Then strike.

I will get away.

He will never have me. I’m Oliver’s.

Only Oliver’s.

Forever and always.

I love you Oliver.

I’m sorry I dragged you into this, I’m sorry you died. I’m sorry he killed you.

You had such a big heart, you only wanted to help me and that got you killed. You were too kind, too loving, I didn’t deserve you.

He killed you and I loved you.

I never got to say it and that kills me.

I will never stop looking for your body. I won’t rest until I find you and put you at rest. I’ll save for a lifetime to get the perfect headstone.

I’ll visit you every day and keep you updated on everything. I’ll make sure that you always have fresh flowers on your grave and I’ll make sure they are only red and pink, your secret favourite colours.

I’ll tell you everything going on. Becks and Thomas’s silly arguments and pranks. I’ll tell you when they both finally stop pretending to hate each other and finally ‘go out’. You called that.

I’ll tell you when the old man, Ben, finally decides to be in a relationship, I’ve never seen him with anyone.

I’ll sit down and tell you every detail of any new Disney movies that come out. I’ll memorise every scene and tell you what happens. I’ll even learn the songs and sing them for you.

I won’t ever move on from you. I will always love you. You were my everything. I will never forget you.

You gave your life for mine. How could I ever forget that?

Until the day I die, whenever that maybe, I’ll never stop loving you.

I will welcome death knowing I’ll be back with you.

Whether in heaven or in endless darkness. I’ll be with you.

———

I’m woken up from my nap I didn’t realise I was taking, what woke me up was the door squeaking open. I stay still trying to go back to sleep when I feel fingers caress my cheek. I sit up slowly as to not look as disgusted and startled as I was.

Fuck. This is the first time he’s been down since I read the newspapers, how the hell should I act?

“I didn’t mean to wake you babydoll" liar.

“I-it’s okay” should I keep the stutter up? He wants me scared, right? Also, I am scared.

He looks at me suspiciously, I quickly pull a smile for him.

“You feeling better after that bath?”

“Y-yes, much thank y-you.”

He decides to sit on the mattress next to me. “You don’t have to be scared of me sweetheart. I’m not going to hurt you” he says as he tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.

Seriously?

Are you kidding me?!

After everything, of course I have to be fucking scared.

He must have seen my inner turmoil as he sighs and speaks up again.

“I am sorry for what I’ve done in the past, I just get so, angry and frustrated because whenever I try to show my love to you, you move away and try to run from it. I understand that you’re scared of me right now and you were confused before, that upsets me and makes me angry because I don’t want you to be petrified of me like you are now. I want you to be happy.” He sighs again and nuzzles my temple with his nose.

One word-

Liar.

“And I know it’s my fault that you are like this, I know what I’ve done and I wish I would had done things differently. Every time I hurt you it was out of love.” He kisses my temple and lays my head on his arm.

Love?..he loves m-Trick! It’s all a trick. This is NOT love.

“I love you. And it’s okay if you don’t feel that way just yet because you will in time. So, you don’t have to say it back right now. I know you’re still confused. I know you don’t love me right now but you will. If not now than in the future you will. I don’t care. You will love me.” He presses a kiss on my head.

What does he mean he doesn’t care? Why is he so sure? How is he so sure?

Because he’s going to brainwash me idiot. I forgot he was doing that for a second.

“Until then I guess it will have to be one sided. You will learn. You will get used to it. We will be happy. You will be happy. Your body wants me for sure. It will want me” he chuckles “I just need to convince your pretty little head. You know it deep down. You care for me. You love me back.” He leans down to my ear “just accept it.”

I start to shake.

I will never want him.

But he’s right. Some sick messed up part of me wants to believe the ‘nice’ Damian but we both know it’s not real.

“Do you understand, sweet, little doll?” He says more sternly.

“Y-ye-s.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

“Stop stuttering, take a breath and calm down.”

I reluctantly do as he says and take a deep shaky breath.

I hate him.

He pulls me by my shoulders so I’m sat up on my own. With two fingers under my chin, he makes me look up at him.

Cold, lustful eyes look back at me. Dark in colour, darker than normal. I haven’t seen them like that in a while. This is not good...

“I feel as if you’re ready for me to bring back playtime.”

What the fuck is playtime?

Is it code? Oh no, of course it’s code.

“I want to make you feel good” he said lustfully as he started leaning in.

PANIC...no, no, no, stay calm. Pretend remember? Go with it. If he goes too far... then panic.

“I just want to play.”

Wait, play? Now I remember. Play, playing. That’s what he kept saying when he started kissing my neck in his room. He calls that playing, playtime. Sick, perverted asshole. What the fuck!?

Before I knew it, his lips were on mine. His hand went to the back of my head and he kissed me passionately, I gasped and he took that opportunity to thrust his tongue into my mouth.

I tried to recoil but his grip was like steel. He groaned and tears threatened to come out.

He was waiting. The whole time he was waiting. Waiting for me to be at my lowest, waiting for me to be vulnerable. He was waiting to take advantage of that, of me.

Don’t fight.

A voice in my head suddenly whispers, sounding as afraid as I currently am. I don’t even know if it was the part of me that wants to trust him or the part that needs his trust so I can escape, either way I need to not react.

I have to get out of here.

I need his trust so I can get out of here.

He pulls away and looks into my eyes. A smirk playing in his lips. His hand cups my cheek whilst the other on the back of my neck.

“Good girl” he said and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I couldn’t help the small smile that came to my lips and my eyes fluttering closed. What is it about him kissing my head and praising me that makes me react like this?

Then he got up and left.

The fuck just happened?!


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