to be reborn. Do not fight the
Pain; embrace it. Accept it. Live it.
Don't rush the process, you need to swim in the deep end for a while to build you muscles.
Learn. Keep swimming.
You will be stronger for it."
- Caitlin Cooper
The line from this quote "when you're broken you need to be reborn" resembles me so much. I was broken to the extent that I was not even seeing the positive light in my life. I did not know how to save myself from the damage that was done to me; I could not even see the shore to survive or land; I was too into the depth of the water to be saved. The only person that can keep myself from going insane was only me; Only. Me. I. was the only one now who can rescue myself from the detriment I was going to foist upon myself.
Throughout my life while growing up I only heard people saying "I'm suffering so much or I'm in pain" but I only understood their torment when I was thrown into that agony.
You might have seen or heard so many people struggling, fighting and suffering in life but have you ever went through it; have u ever felt the same torture in ur life; if yes then you can imagine it yourself and if not then now you're knowing through my story; the ache and afflictions I went through that also made me question about me and my life; the life which was yet to start; which was also already tainted.
I was breaking down slowly; I was starting to get smother; I just did not know how to abide anymore; I was sinking and sinking and I did not know who to turn to or rely into or ask for help cause already knew my family cannot be trusted anymore; there was only my grandfather but he was also getting older day by day so he alone was not enough to protect me.
Days and months went by and I was gradually stepping into my teenage life but the physical exploitation never stopped it only inflamed and all these times I was made to keep my silence; I stayed silent myself cause I knew no one would believe me.
Little by little I was getting tired of life; tired of this bullshit of life though I went to school; concentrated on my studies and enjoyed with my friends; Yes! I use to go out with my friends for cycling, swimming or for outing but..but I always dreaded going back to that hell home. Somehow I was laughing and smiling showing the people and the world that I was happy and alive but from inside I was dying; I was loosing the reason to live. One of my friend knew how I was being treated but what could she do; she knew she cannot help me and thus I only got sympathy in return.
You know I read in books about how child should be given the happy and joyful environment for their gradual and stable growth and how they should be bought up by their family with love, care and support but for me it was all a joke.
I used to be so maim when I used to see my friends with their family living a comfortable life filled with so much love and care and as for me though I was jovial from outside but from inside I was rotting and miserable.
At some point I did think that now I have stepped into my teenage life all this would stop but it was only my delusion.
I was supposed to live a happy and normal life; I was supposed to be lively instead my childhood tarnished and now my teenage life was also being stigmatized. My life became a nightmare for me and I only knew one way out of it which was going to be a atrocious decision of my life.
I only heard of people taking this sort of drastic step but what I did not know in my life that I would be going down to the same path as well but I was also left with no other option.
No, I'm not saying or giving a way or encouraging people to take this destructive path; a path where you decide to end your life; a way to get rid of your throes infact it's the most horrendous act you will be inflicting upon yourself; a act which is also considered as a crime in God's eye and I guess you have already guessed what my decision was.
I agree the path I was taking was wrong; yes! You are right a suicidal path; it was not a way to end everything but I was already buried 6 feet under so what more there was left to loose and no I was not suppose to give up but I did; I gave up; I gave up hope of living a happy and carefree normal life again; I gave up to the point of not returning to myself again.
The first I attempted to kill myself was by taking a bunch of mix expired medications which took me into the depth of sleepiness; my breath being short; my body being numb; I was loosing my consciousness and I was buoyant that I was finally getting rid of all my angst; I was being taken into the darkness but only to survive; yes! I survived cause after hours of murk., my stomach started hurting and I started gagging resulting into a fit of continuous vomitting which remained for whole 2 days and the funny thing is my family thought I had a fucking food poisoning; oh! What a pun it was.
The second I tried slitting my wrist but funny I did not die I was just unconscious from loosing some blood and I was as alive as ever; the only thing that remained was the scar that still reminds me of my ruinous life. Funny right! I was so stupid I can't believe I tried taking these catastrophic steps.
But did I give up this thought and route of marring; the answer is no to this! You see I'm a very stubborn goat and I was intend to take my life. What if I did not succeed first or second; there were thirds, fourth and so on.
It's facetious you know when you're so desperate and sapped even the death fools you haha! Wow my life it was just a spoof.
There is a saying "when death is not lurking around you; no matter how much you try you won't succeed and when it's knocking on your door you just die you don't even have to seek".
Well I reckon that it was not my time to leave this earth so deftly so what other option had I left except to live with the fact that this is how my life is going to be.
But there was also a voice inside me saying not to give up and fight for myself.
So I kept on pondering and contemplating about my next step; the only other option that came to my mind was to fight for myself and with this Dunkirk spirit I decided to swedge!
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