It’s been 4 days since that disastrous picnic, after I left and went home I’ve been moping in my room and my phone’s been bombarded with texts from my friends. I haven’t even gone to the bureau. I wish that I didn’t let Abby’s comment get to me but she really did hit a nerve. That’s one of the only things that can make me break down as much as I try to not let it.
I’m a recovering anorexic patient. I was diagnosed 3 years ago and was in rehab for a year until the doctor decided I was okay to try and lead a normal life. They said the main cause was stress, home life, school life, the bureau( not that they knew about that) and ballet. Ballet was my life, I spent as much time as I could perfecting every turn, leap, spin as possible to get into the National Ballet Academy.
I reach under my bed and pull out a pair of satin, cream pointe shoes.
4 weeks till audition
“Darling, come downstairs I’ve got a surprise for you” dad yells from the bottom of the stairs. He barely ever gets me gifts so I run down to see what it is. He’s holding what looks like a shoebox, my heart sinks slightly because I don’t really want more shoes, I have enough to last me a while, honestly, I should give some to charity.
“I know you have that audition for Ballet and I haven’t seen to be as committed as I should but I hope this will change your mind.”
He opens the box and I see the most beautiful cream pointe shoes with sparkling sequins inside. I look at him in disbelief and he smiles gesturing for me to ake them. They feel so soft and delicate and I instantly love them.
“Thank you so so so so much dad!!, I love them”, I say jumping up and down then giving him a massive hug.
2 weeks till audition
I’m in the studio practising my piece, I’ve decided to dance to The Night We Met because it’s quite sad and emotional but that means I use lots of emotion and expression to tell the story and really dramatise it. If this was a few days ago I would be excited but now I’m just full of nerves and have barely eaten, I should but a ballerina should be slim right?
keep telling yourself that
I’ll be fine, more practice over and over until it’s perfect, the smallest mistake of hesitation could cost me.
11 days till audition
we’re having dinner and Hanna made lasagna with some bread and lots of iced tea. it looks so appetizing and tempting but I need to have strong willpower. I push away the aching hunger. The bread is probably full of fat and loads of calories and so’s the lasagna so I mustn’t eat lots. Hanna puts a serving on my plate, it looks small from a distance but once it’s in front of me, it looks like a mountain. I could put on weight just by looking at it. Vivian’s just eating it all, not sure why cause she needs to keep her model body.
then why are you starving yourself huh?
“Kylie, how’s your practice going,” my dad asks.
“good,” I simply reply.
“just good, Kylie no, it needs to be perfect, you’re representing our family, we can’t have only one out of two daughters becoming successful, what will the women at my social club say” Hanna buts in, thinking of herself as usual.
“Hanna dear that’s a bit harsh, but kylie you must put in more time and effort, a lot is riding on this”, he emphasizes,” I let you focus on ballet because you said that would be better for you than working towards becoming CEO of my firm, there is no backup plan if this fails you understand?” he says drilling the fear and pressure to my mind.
“dad, don’t you’re stressing her out more than she already is okay, you’ve seen her dance, she’ll do fine” Vivian surprisingly says, coming to my support.
I smile gratefully at her but that doesn’t stop the many doubts whirling in my head. what if I haven’t put in enough time? I don’t have a backup plan apart from the bureau and I don’t want to be stuck there forever. My jetes last time were a bit low and my turns were slightly wobbly. At the audition, they’ll pick up that type of thing. I’ve got to utilize the spare time I have. Even when I’m at the bureau I’ll practice in one of the training rooms so I’m fully prepared. Failure is not and never was an option.
1 week till audition, at the bureau
I’m running through my routine again and it’s getting there but isn’t perfect. the routine is very lyrical because at the Academy they do all dance styles.
I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
I split leap up in the air and gracefully roll back to a standing position. I do a needle then handstand into a backbend. I look in the mirror and see a graceful dancer although my expression is full of despair.
I am not the only traveller
Who has not repaid his debtI’ve been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met
Day of audition