So for the past 17 years, I was passed around with foster family's, and to be honest it was about 20 if I'm remembered correctly. They didn't want to keep me very long, especially once I got into high school, that's when most of those numbers started to come in.
I have depression and my anxiety is horrible, growing up in some of the homes that it did mess with my head badly. I had a few foster fathers that would like to come into my room at night while I was asleep. Some would just stare at me and others would touch me, touch me where little girls should never be touched by grown men.
My two friends in the front seats are Kara and Courtney, we have been friends since Elementary school. They were the type of girls you would call popular and the pretty ones where I was the one that would be called the nerd or their little follower.
I sometimes felt like their follower, they would drag me along with their plans but never actually evolved me into the planning. If we would be at parties, they would leave me alone to go chat with some dudes, leaving me alone around people I never really talked to
I even put up with all the little comments they make towards me
"You would look pretty if you tried a little harder sometimes" Kara once told me.
"You need to start dressing better, you may be able to have a boyfriend then," Courtney said to me one time at a party.
"Those glasses look horrible on you. You need contacts" Kara snapped at me when I dropped my glasses at school one time and found me crawling along the floor of the cafeteria trying to find them.
And sometimes I can't help but let their words hurt me.
I can't help that I don't have any parents that care about me enough to dress me in better clothes than what they find at garage sales. I can't help that my mother did drugs while pregnant with me fucked up my eyesight and I obviously can't help the fact that I can't afford to buy make-up to make my face look prettier, I was barely able to make enough for my share for this trip.
We had gone to see our favorite band Nickleback playing for the start of their new album release but the drive was over 17 hours and we stayed at this hotel close to the venue. Kara and Courtney got drunk most of the weekend, leaving me alone in our hotel room, reading a book I had brought for the drive, or trying to find something decent to watch on TV.
Now we are headed back, been on the road for 3 hours and still have 14 hours to go and it's going to be a long day. They are barely evolving me in their conversation about how the weekend went, they spent most of the time talking about the cute boys and posting pictures with "cute" captions on their Facebook and I couldn't even do that not with the cheap little flip phone that I barely been able to pay for the minutes lately.
School took its toll on me with all the classwork this year I did everything I could to make sure I got perfect grades all year, sometimes studying late into the night when I would get back from my after-school job at this little pet shop we have in our town.
I don't even know what I'll do once we get back. I don't have enough money saved yet to go to college, I got a little sponsorship but I'd still need to come up with some money for the first semester and I don't have that. I don't even have my car yet to even be able to get me there.
I know my current foster family will want me out of the house soon, the wife's been fussing at me because the husband likes to look at me. How is that my fault though I don't want him to look at me and their son... He's the devil. I'm not even joking. He will come into my room and just trash it just for a laugh, he will break something and blame me causing me to get grounded or sent to bed without supper.
I just want a better life, that's all I'm asking for. A family that will appreciate me and love me for me not for how I look, not for anything else just happy to have me in their lives.
I just want to be loved.