Retina
I could recognize the smell.
I knew that this, like the others, would burn itself onto my retina and I would end up seing it again, over and over and over….Every single time I would try to close my eyes.
I held my breath, closed my eyes, counted to ten and mentally prepared myself to come face to face with the 7th suicide this month.
The 7th suicide I had found myself.
The 7th suicide since the Soviet Union had won the war.
I turned on the light…
I was right…
There she was….
I hadn't really talked to her before, but I knew who she was.
I knew her name was Odine and she had come here not long after me.
She came alone…. All alone...
As she lies there with eyes wide open and her wrists cut up, it was easy to see that she once had been a beautiful girl.
But now she had dark undereye circles and she was basically just skin and bones.
I didn't even bother checking her pulse.I just knelt down beside her and ran my fingers over her eyes so she could rest fully in peace.
I stepped out the door, making sure to close it carefully behind me, Before I walked over to two Russian soldiers standing against the wall at the end of the hallway.
I poked one of them on the shoulder and pointed to the room with the girl.
They looked at me uncomprehendingly. None of us speak each other's language.
So I took my thumb and ran it across my neck. Slowly.
The soldiers looked at each other in agreement, and with long, quick steps they stood infront of the door, to the room, with the Odine inside
The oldest one of the two, carefully opened the door again and walked with careful steps over to the girl, he said something in Russian over a walkie-talkie.
The other soldier, who didn't look much older than 15, was still standing in the doorway, leaning onto the doorframe, looking like he was about to throw up.
He was deathly pale. He blinked violently, pretending to have caught something in his eye, and continued to run his right hand over his left cheek.
He was crying, but the other soldier didn't notice. He just walked over, pulled him into the room and slammed the door behind them.
I was restless, but eventually chose to go back to my dorm anyway.
On the way back, a group of about 4 soldiers ran past me. In no time the were in the same room, as the other 2.
They had gained quite an audience, I would guess there were about 10 people standing around the door over there, trying to catch a glimpse of what was going on inside the room.
When I got to my room I was so exhausted I could hardly stand on my 2 feet, but there was no reason to try and sleep.
I knew I wouldn't be able to anyway, no matter how tired I ended up being, I would never be able to sleep again.
I barely dared to try, but I did it anyway.
I put my head on the pillow and closed my eyes...
I closed my eyes and saw for the 1000th time the faces of the 7 girls I had found myself.
The faces that would forever be burned onto my retina.!
Forever?…. How long is that?
I sighed, took a deep breath and got ready!
Forever? That sounded like a long time..!
But luckily, its my choice to decide how long forever will last for me!
-NOK, 15
