Suzycue

Has potential

I have read a few of the opening paragraphs, and the main problem that jumped right out at me was the grammar, basic sentence/paragraph construction and context. Also think about emotions, how upset your character would have been to hear her dad crying. What did the ‘assistant’ who asked her to move look like? Was she angry? What did her dad look like? I am sure your story would benefit hugely from some further development and basic editing. At the moment, your dialogue and narrative is a bit clumsy and your sentences/paragraphs could be better structured.

To illustrate, I have re-written the first few paras to illustrate my points. I like your character development and I am sure your story could be fabulous, it just needs a polish.

THE FOLLOWING IS JUST A SUGGESTION. IT’S YOUR STORY AND YOUR STYLE, SO FEEL FREE TO IGNORE MY COMMENTS…

Stupid school, stupid summer. Why did it have to end so soon?

I exit the plane and, after picking up my black luggage, look round for my dad. Its two o’clock and he’s still not here, what a surprise. He is a good dad to my brother and me, but he is always late. It’s something I’ve had to get used to.

“Lady, can you move please?” I look up into the angry eyes of a bustling airport worker, so move out of her way.

I just came in from Washington DC where I had been visiting my mum. You see, I was fourteen when my mum and dad divorced because my mum was a workaholic. Although she always had time for my brother and me, she paid no attention to my dad, who got more and more upset over it. After they talked it through she decided to leave, so I now spend every summer with my mum.

When she first left, I remember feeling angry and upset, especially when I used to hear my dad crying because he missed her so much. He once told me it had been the biggest mistake of his life.

Speaking of the devil, with a sigh of relief, I see my dad and my brother John walking towards me. Dad is smiling, lighting up his kind (brown/blue/green) eyes. John looks different, he used to look cute but now he is more handsome. Of course, I am not going to tell him because his ego is bigger than Mount Everest; okay, maybe I am exaggerating but it is pretty big.

I hope you find some of this helpful, but if not, please feel free to ignore it.