Psycho

The Illogic is here to make you happy with its books, and I certainly will try to please your eyeballius-jiggiums.

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An interesting idea marred by some writing issues (typos, paragraph clumps, etc)

Overall score: 3.5
First, I noticed that Calvin likes to put "They say that" a lot at the beginning of the chapters, and did so for the last chapter. For the first chapter, it made sense. For the second, it made a little bit of sense. But for those that came after, within the context of the story, it doesn't make sense. It did make an interesting send off for the last chapter, though.

Now, for the story itself, The concept is interesting, and what happened 'after' (not spoiling) interested me even more. The ideas employed caught my attention, especially when *they* came on board, implying that everyone had forgotten the initial project.

For the first two chapters, while lacking in details for the surroundings, got their point across without hanging on for too long. The consequences of certain actions had lasting repercussions rather than being a brief cut that would heal quickly. We also get the goal of the main character and why he's striving to attain that goal. Don't hesitate to draw the world around us so we have something to 'see' while we read.

There's also a switch that happens at the end that I found somewhat interesting. The problem here comes from the fact that we know next-to-nothing of the main character other than that he's poor and his philosophical views of society. It doesn't get us truly invested in him, which tarnishes the desired effect at the end.

Some heavy issues, separate from the story itself, was the grammar and structuring. I wanted to leave feedback, but Inkitt isn't working for that option at the time I'm writing this review. When quoting in a paragraph, and the quote ends it, keep the punctuation outside the quotes. You're quoting something, not writing dialogue. Like that you remember for the future.
The chapters after the first two were filled with some big errors and should be looked over, as there are words missing, words that don't belong (likely leftovers fro rewriting the sentences). Chapter 3, for example, is very sloppy, something that isn't shared with the other chapters for some odd reason.

HOWEVER. However. These are problems that can be easily remedied with a once over by either the author or some other party. If the author does that once over I'll gladly raise the score, as it's not a bad story. It's just kinda rushed and could use a bit more fleshing out, especially for the main character. If anything, flesh him out so we grow attached, but don't exaggerate on any negative aspects of his life. Problems go both ways, whether good or bad.

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A full and richly detailed world, but with some punctuation difficulties

This is a story that isn't made for me since it's very slice-of-life, but I can still see plenty of quality regardless. Don't be fooled by the state of the blurb. Set in a renaissance or victorian-esque era (to my understanding), Freedom or the Crown sets about telling a tale by smoothing the reader into the world and attaching them to the characters, no matter how mundane they and their position might seem. The characters are crafted in such a way that they mesh with the world and don't stand out outside of their rank, which is rare to see. Every character has an important role to follow in the to an extent, so very few, if any, are throwaway. The flow of the story is also calm and smooth. There's no rushing from scene to scene just to try and get to the end as fast as possible. They end calmly and appropriately relative to context.

It has minor fantasy elements within it, like magic barriers and telepathy, but these aren't touted as grandiose and amazing elements. They're every day occurrences and elements, like eating and breathing, so the flow of the story isn't broken just to say 'oh look, big explosion'.

Another element I liked was the detailing. There are plenty of details in a scene so you can get a very good picture of what you're looking at and what the character is doing. They even add moments of activity during dialogue to give the reader a 'breather', so to speak.

For the negatives, they have issues with punctuation, specifically with commas. Considering the problem is consistent, they'll need a friend or someone else to tell them all the problems and what not to do. This really only needs mentioning for the first chapter, so as not separating a pronoun at the end of a dialogue with a comma. There are also a few typos and forgotten words, but these are easily remedied.

Unfortunately as mentioned at the start of this review; I was unable to keep reading as this story is heavy in slice-of-life, but I skipped a few chapters ahead a few times, and the quality mentioned here did not drop. It's consistent and it's very solid. I've recommended it to two people to whom this type of story interests greatly as a result. They're better at reviewing than I am.

Keep up the good work. With some polish, it can very well be its own big book in the future.

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A curious and clean, although confusing, start

I have to say that you have a very good style when it comes to detailing things. You're clear and concise and straight to the point. I also appreciate when someone doesn't say something directly to the reader but gives enough details for them to figure out the big picture on their own, such as a certain group of maids and wry-smiled girl. Just enough information for what was needed.

There's also the details in movement and impacts for characters and their actions. Much like what I just said, you give us a proper picture of what a character looks like and just enough details for us to figure out the rest on our own. That's a very important thing to have in a story. We need to be able to distinguish characters, especially recurring characters, from the common rabble. Don't be afraid to emphasize certain aspects of that character when they perform actions or to detail a scene a little more. Provided it's important.

The fighting in chapters 3 and 4 were also well done. A good dance of bruising, and we know immediately what each character can do by the commentary. It tells us not to judge someone just by their appearance, even in a tournament. ESPECIALLY in a tournament.

Then there's the subtle implications that the world is MUCH more vast than what we're seeing. I absolutely ADORE this sort of thing. It's subtle world-building, implying that we might learn of or see more of these places maybe later in the story or in another book, but even if it's just flavor text, it still gives more life to the world. Albeit a tiny flicker.

I also have to say that I'm surprised to have found no real spelling errors. A misstep or two here or there with missing punctuation or an extra punctuation which I only found in chapter 3 regarding two question marks. I'm quite impressed.

Now, for the problems. They are few, but there are instances where you 'overdetail' something and it renders the picture confusing, such as the warden leaning against the desk. I see what you were trying to do, but lighten the scene. You did it well afterwards, so I'm guessing this is a leftover from previous attempts, or you were just experimenting.

There's also the massive paragraphs, but I'm sure you already know of those (And they're very easy to fix). There's also a line of dialogue melded into a paragraph, in chapter 2 or 3 I believe.

Dialogue is also a bit troublesome. There are times where I've forgotten who is talking since there's no association. Don't be afraid to do add actions or details to the conversations. It adds life in the exchange and avoids the 'Talking Head Syndrome' trope. It's not necessary EVERY single time, but it does help A LOT with reading.

My one true gripe is that I don't know what the story is. I know fully what you're doing, so this is just a writing style. No qualms there. Two different scenes occurred between the pairs of chapters, which is why I'm kind of confused, especially with the sudden transition in locations between chapters 2 and 3.

Aside from the transition, the rest just feels like a case of 'reading it the second time after reading the full story unlocks its secrets' since I'll know everything needed to, and nothing will seem confusing afterwards. It's good because that entices readers to read through a story again with their newfound knowledge.

Still. Try and avoid the transition jumping. That's a big problem.

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A great start to a potential series

We already have established characters at the start of the story, although they still have much room to be built upon. While one such character seems odious, it fits with how people of his stature were seen as during the time period akin to our own olden ages.

I am eager to see what comes next, as characters like Demeter and Odium look like the kind whose moralities, although opposing, would cause them both to be at each other's necks during very 'weighty' situations when choices have to be made. Both want to act for their own perceptions of good, but which one is right and which one is wrong?

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POetry is not my cup of tea, but I appreciate the use of more complex words

Redo the introduction chapter. Plenty of spelling errors that I thought were going to mar the rest of your work.

Poetry is not my cup of tea. I don't like it and it doesn't like me, but I took a look at this regardless. Unfortunately, while I understood what the poetry meant, I couldn't understand the underlying messages.

That being said, this is from someone to whom poetry does not appeal, but I can see the appeal that actual fans of poetry can get from these works. The poet uses some nice, complex words to get their point across without having to exaggerate and drone on with more simplistic terms, like those needed in novels.

Apart from the first chapter, I couldn't spot errors, but you have an obsession with purple prose, something that affects the positive point in the paragraph before this. It's one thing to want to be creative, but commentary on wanting to use a dictionary says a lot. You need to be able to intermesh both every-day speech and more complex vernacular that you've discovered.

I also noticed that you gave up rhyming halfway through the first poem. This is, unfortunately, a consequence of your overuse of more complex words. Dial it down and it should come out looking not only better, but more decorated. The more a person understands the easier it becomes to make sense of the words they don't. Context brings understanding in many cases. And don't be afraid of the simpler words I mentioned. Even they can evoke great emotions in the reader.

I also had a discussion with a friend of mine who knows poetry far better than I, and they gave me these 'devices' to share with you: Gradation (where the same sentiment is amplified gradually throughout the poem) and alliteration (for example: Songbirds singing sweetly at the seashore. the repeat of the same sound at the beginning of each word amplifies every word that follows).

The Song of Durin is another good example and is one I like a lot. Even if you don't know who he is, you understand the gist of who he was and what he did. Good luck with the rest of your poetry.

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Needs a complete rewrite

I saw your post in the 'Fantasy' group and decided to take a look myself. I'm sorry to say, but this is bad. Not 'very' bad, mind you, but it needs a complete rewrite.

You employ consistent run-on sentences, and you have a tendency to make redundancies, such as the sensei needing funds. You employ next-to-no punctuation which is part of the contribution to run-on sentences.

Another issue are your name drops. You name a bunch of different things and associations and yet we don't see any sign of them or are given a hint at what they can do. If you want mystery and suspense, give a little hint at what they do through dialogue, but don't tell us everything.

I also saw you employ parentheses. You don't do that in book writing, only in script writing (like it's done in French literature).. Don't hesitate to break your dialogue boxes in two or three if they're really huge, by the way. You just need to put dialogue quotes at the start of the next paragraph but not close them at the first, like that the reader knows it's still dialogue.

You employ lots of punctuation at the end of a sentence (exclamation points and question marks) when only one is supposed to be used, you forget to place commas at the end of a dialogue when there's only a period, contributing to dialogue association. You need to use hyphens (-) when making a comparison, like the broiler chicken like man. Becomes 'broiler-chicken-like-man' or something akin to that. Additionally, you never employ an apostrophe for your possessives, making them look like plurals (lions when you meant lion's. If you want to possessive a plural, since the word already ends in S, you just use an apostrophe: Lions').

As for the story-telling, I can tell you rushed through it to try and get to the 'fun' parts. You didn't explain anything. At all. Why should I care about these characters? Why should I care about what they want to do? Why should I care about what happened to our MC? I understand that you wanted to go with a more comedic route, especially with the demon filth, but it's rushed and it's contrived. Much of the story feels rushed, and dialogue feels unnatural. There's no exchange when characters interact, and you combine dialogue from two different characters. The dialogue that we do get feels generic and very cliché at times, even.

Again, this needs a complete rewrite, perhaps in the future, when you've become better at writing. I started out like this too, so don't worry about it.

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A canvas with detailed outlines but no color

Technical Writing Skills: 3.5/5

Glass and Gold is a story with a somewhat atypical plot line, but it delivers the ideas in its own way with interesting characters and the interactions between them. Some seem childish at first but have a good head on their shoulders and a much more layered mind. Others would be perceived as 'intellectual' and 'manipulative', but they're actually idiots with power.

I especially loved interactions between characters like Félix and his 'barber', both having a playful chemistry when it came to another character afterwards. The barber also had some choice advice to give, but he ruins his moments with his admiration for some more 'physical' attributes. He ruins them in a good way as they reflect who he is as a character and how he acts in a given situation. It was some good character development given in such a short time that was shown rather than told. In fact, the vast majority of characters in this story are displayed via actions and their interactions in dialogue, rather than having someone spell out their 'programming' through a powerpoint presentation.

There's also much propaganda perpetuated in Nadanavana enough that you're already suspicious when you're told the details of everything that happens in it. This is further empowered by a sight Luca spots in the third chapter and his own 'personal' experience later on. Amusingly, this propaganda is also seen through a mask the soldiers wear when they're touted as great defenders of the city and its people, something Luca strongly believes in.

Some gripes I would have would be grammar and sentence structure. The author tends to mix up words based on their vocal pronunciations along with some simple typos. These are easy to fix and aren't big problems as a reread let's you figure out what word they meant to use rather easily. The biggest issues with this is that there are a few tense swaps here and there and -although it's uncommon- sentences which make no sense. Luckily these sentences can be counted on one hand and aren't very long, but they break the reading pace.

The last gripe, which is the reason for the title of this review, are the lack of details. While the characters are very colorful and their interactions, be they vocal or physical, are creative and enjoyable to 'see', it's aggravating to have a world with hardly any descriptions. We know the city is made of glass and gold, but we don't know its width or its size or the height and style of the buildings within. We only know the general appearance of the soldiers and one detail of the mask, but nothing else. What are they wearing? Is it basic cloth? Are there any symbols on them indicating a rank or position in their structuring?

And what of the world outside the city? We see in brief detail that there are trees and the like, but not much else. We don't know if there's anything specific in the area to make it distinguishable from any other patch in the forests when the story stops there.

This also extends to many characters. We're given brief descriptions of their appearances, but not in much detail. I don't know their height relative to each other, for example, nor the general appearance of several important characters that appear later on. It's extremely difficult and frustrating for someone like me to see a world that's hardly sculpted and detailed when twelve sharpening picks were broken creating every minute detail in the characters' personalities.

The pacing of the story, though, is just the right speed. a 'brisk' pace. I was worried it would be rushing along when I read the first four chapters, but my worries amounted to nothing. There's quite a lot more story happening later on, and our time spent in the city is just long enough that we get attached to the characters and understand their routines.

Keep up with writing the story, but don't hesitate to color in the drawings you're making while you write. There are multiple senses used by people, and these can be used to good effect in writing.

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