Psycho

The Illogic is here to make you happy with its books, and I certainly will try to please your eyeballius-jiggiums.

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An interesting idea marred by some writing issues (typos, paragraph clumps, etc)

Overall score: 3.5
First, I noticed that Calvin likes to put "They say that" a lot at the beginning of the chapters, and did so for the last chapter. For the first chapter, it made sense. For the second, it made a little bit of sense. But for those that came after, within the context of the story, it doesn't make sense. It did make an interesting send off for the last chapter, though.

Now, for the story itself, The concept is interesting, and what happened 'after' (not spoiling) interested me even more. The ideas employed caught my attention, especially when *they* came on board, implying that everyone had forgotten the initial project.

For the first two chapters, while lacking in details for the surroundings, got their point across without hanging on for too long. The consequences of certain actions had lasting repercussions rather than being a brief cut that would heal quickly. We also get the goal of the main character and why he's striving to attain that goal. Don't hesitate to draw the world around us so we have something to 'see' while we read.

There's also a switch that happens at the end that I found somewhat interesting. The problem here comes from the fact that we know next-to-nothing of the main character other than that he's poor and his philosophical views of society. It doesn't get us truly invested in him, which tarnishes the desired effect at the end.

Some heavy issues, separate from the story itself, was the grammar and structuring. I wanted to leave feedback, but Inkitt isn't working for that option at the time I'm writing this review. When quoting in a paragraph, and the quote ends it, keep the punctuation outside the quotes. You're quoting something, not writing dialogue. Like that you remember for the future.
The chapters after the first two were filled with some big errors and should be looked over, as there are words missing, words that don't belong (likely leftovers fro rewriting the sentences). Chapter 3, for example, is very sloppy, something that isn't shared with the other chapters for some odd reason.

HOWEVER. However. These are problems that can be easily remedied with a once over by either the author or some other party. If the author does that once over I'll gladly raise the score, as it's not a bad story. It's just kinda rushed and could use a bit more fleshing out, especially for the main character. If anything, flesh him out so we grow attached, but don't exaggerate on any negative aspects of his life. Problems go both ways, whether good or bad.

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A full and richly detailed world, but with some punctuation difficulties

This is a story that isn't made for me since it's very slice-of-life, but I can still see plenty of quality regardless. Don't be fooled by the state of the blurb. Set in a renaissance or victorian-esque era (to my understanding), Freedom or the Crown sets about telling a tale by smoothing the reader into the world and attaching them to the characters, no matter how mundane they and their position might seem. The characters are crafted in such a way that they mesh with the world and don't stand out outside of their rank, which is rare to see. Every character has an important role to follow in the to an extent, so very few, if any, are throwaway. The flow of the story is also calm and smooth. There's no rushing from scene to scene just to try and get to the end as fast as possible. They end calmly and appropriately relative to context.

It has minor fantasy elements within it, like magic barriers and telepathy, but these aren't touted as grandiose and amazing elements. They're every day occurrences and elements, like eating and breathing, so the flow of the story isn't broken just to say 'oh look, big explosion'.

Another element I liked was the detailing. There are plenty of details in a scene so you can get a very good picture of what you're looking at and what the character is doing. They even add moments of activity during dialogue to give the reader a 'breather', so to speak.

For the negatives, they have issues with punctuation, specifically with commas. Considering the problem is consistent, they'll need a friend or someone else to tell them all the problems and what not to do. This really only needs mentioning for the first chapter, so as not separating a pronoun at the end of a dialogue with a comma. There are also a few typos and forgotten words, but these are easily remedied.

Unfortunately as mentioned at the start of this review; I was unable to keep reading as this story is heavy in slice-of-life, but I skipped a few chapters ahead a few times, and the quality mentioned here did not drop. It's consistent and it's very solid. I've recommended it to two people to whom this type of story interests greatly as a result. They're better at reviewing than I am.

Keep up the good work. With some polish, it can very well be its own big book in the future.

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A curious and clean, although confusing, start

I have to say that you have a very good style when it comes to detailing things. You're clear and concise and straight to the point. I also appreciate when someone doesn't say something directly to the reader but gives enough details for them to figure out the big picture on their own, such as a certain group of maids and wry-smiled girl. Just enough information for what was needed.

There's also the details in movement and impacts for characters and their actions. Much like what I just said, you give us a proper picture of what a character looks like and just enough details for us to figure out the rest on our own. That's a very important thing to have in a story. We need to be able to distinguish characters, especially recurring characters, from the common rabble. Don't be afraid to emphasize certain aspects of that character when they perform actions or to detail a scene a little more. Provided it's important.

The fighting in chapters 3 and 4 were also well done. A good dance of bruising, and we know immediately what each character can do by the commentary. It tells us not to judge someone just by their appearance, even in a tournament. ESPECIALLY in a tournament.

Then there's the subtle implications that the world is MUCH more vast than what we're seeing. I absolutely ADORE this sort of thing. It's subtle world-building, implying that we might learn of or see more of these places maybe later in the story or in another book, but even if it's just flavor text, it still gives more life to the world. Albeit a tiny flicker.

I also have to say that I'm surprised to have found no real spelling errors. A misstep or two here or there with missing punctuation or an extra punctuation which I only found in chapter 3 regarding two question marks. I'm quite impressed.

Now, for the problems. They are few, but there are instances where you 'overdetail' something and it renders the picture confusing, such as the warden leaning against the desk. I see what you were trying to do, but lighten the scene. You did it well afterwards, so I'm guessing this is a leftover from previous attempts, or you were just experimenting.

There's also the massive paragraphs, but I'm sure you already know of those (And they're very easy to fix). There's also a line of dialogue melded into a paragraph, in chapter 2 or 3 I believe.

Dialogue is also a bit troublesome. There are times where I've forgotten who is talking since there's no association. Don't be afraid to do add actions or details to the conversations. It adds life in the exchange and avoids the 'Talking Head Syndrome' trope. It's not necessary EVERY single time, but it does help A LOT with reading.

My one true gripe is that I don't know what the story is. I know fully what you're doing, so this is just a writing style. No qualms there. Two different scenes occurred between the pairs of chapters, which is why I'm kind of confused, especially with the sudden transition in locations between chapters 2 and 3.

Aside from the transition, the rest just feels like a case of 'reading it the second time after reading the full story unlocks its secrets' since I'll know everything needed to, and nothing will seem confusing afterwards. It's good because that entices readers to read through a story again with their newfound knowledge.

Still. Try and avoid the transition jumping. That's a big problem.

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A great start to a potential series

We already have established characters at the start of the story, although they still have much room to be built upon. While one such character seems odious, it fits with how people of his stature were seen as during the time period akin to our own olden ages.

I am eager to see what comes next, as characters like Demeter and Odium look like the kind whose moralities, although opposing, would cause them both to be at each other's necks during very 'weighty' situations when choices have to be made. Both want to act for their own perceptions of good, but which one is right and which one is wrong?

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Broken English Abound

Okay. Firstly, the summary is quite pretentious. A 'perfect' mystery thriller. Never claim that any of your works are 'perfect' or 'the best' or anything in that vein.

Secondly, your grasp of the english language is not developed enough for you to be writing a story in it. I assume you're writing here to train and improve yourself, which are both very admirable of that is the case. Unfortunately, as said, your current level is abysmal. You have issues with your definite and indefinite articles, specifically 'the'. I noticed you rarely ever used it in your dialogue. There are a plethora of sentence fragments, and you also employ redundancies a lot. I can't just give one or two examples because your chapters are rife with them. I also noticed you using the contraction 'it's' when you meant to use the possessive 'its'. There were also cases of strange punctuation, such as em dashes sitting in the middle of dialogue.

There's also the problem of you literally rushing through the plot. You don't detail anything nor give the reader time to breathe through the lines. It's just scene after scene after scene. I can tell that you're just trying to get to what you think are the 'best bits' of your story, but that's not the way you write a book. Rushing through doesn't give it substance, and apart from your summary, I still don't know what the story is about. I just know that there's some college kid who is interested in his dad. Okay. And? What sets the interior of plot apart from others? The first chapter was also confusing. It doesn't seem very useful or important to what we have so far, and this is supposed to be four chapters long so far

You have a basic understanding of character detailing, though, which is a good start. If you can streamline their physical details and even introduce them through their actions and/or character interactions, that would be even better.

You also have the basic skeleton of a plot, but you need more work in your english and more patience with your story-telling. Try and see what (good) authors do to detail things. Don't hesitate to connect two or three sentences for detail.

Lastly, on a more personal note; another 'X' story? You can do far better than that for the name.

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POetry is not my cup of tea, but I appreciate the use of more complex words

Redo the introduction chapter. Plenty of spelling errors that I thought were going to mar the rest of your work.

Poetry is not my cup of tea. I don't like it and it doesn't like me, but I took a look at this regardless. Unfortunately, while I understood what the poetry meant, I couldn't understand the underlying messages.

That being said, this is from someone to whom poetry does not appeal, but I can see the appeal that actual fans of poetry can get from these works. The poet uses some nice, complex words to get their point across without having to exaggerate and drone on with more simplistic terms, like those needed in novels.

Apart from the first chapter, I couldn't spot errors, but you have an obsession with purple prose, something that affects the positive point in the paragraph before this. It's one thing to want to be creative, but commentary on wanting to use a dictionary says a lot. You need to be able to intermesh both every-day speech and more complex vernacular that you've discovered.

I also noticed that you gave up rhyming halfway through the first poem. This is, unfortunately, a consequence of your overuse of more complex words. Dial it down and it should come out looking not only better, but more decorated. The more a person understands the easier it becomes to make sense of the words they don't. Context brings understanding in many cases. And don't be afraid of the simpler words I mentioned. Even they can evoke great emotions in the reader.

I also had a discussion with a friend of mine who knows poetry far better than I, and they gave me these 'devices' to share with you: Gradation (where the same sentiment is amplified gradually throughout the poem) and alliteration (for example: Songbirds singing sweetly at the seashore. the repeat of the same sound at the beginning of each word amplifies every word that follows).

The Song of Durin is another good example and is one I like a lot. Even if you don't know who he is, you understand the gist of who he was and what he did. Good luck with the rest of your poetry.

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Needs a complete rewrite

I saw your post in the 'Fantasy' group and decided to take a look myself. I'm sorry to say, but this is bad. Not 'very' bad, mind you, but it needs a complete rewrite.

You employ consistent run-on sentences, and you have a tendency to make redundancies, such as the sensei needing funds. You employ next-to-no punctuation which is part of the contribution to run-on sentences.

Another issue are your name drops. You name a bunch of different things and associations and yet we don't see any sign of them or are given a hint at what they can do. If you want mystery and suspense, give a little hint at what they do through dialogue, but don't tell us everything.

I also saw you employ parentheses. You don't do that in book writing, only in script writing (like it's done in French literature).. Don't hesitate to break your dialogue boxes in two or three if they're really huge, by the way. You just need to put dialogue quotes at the start of the next paragraph but not close them at the first, like that the reader knows it's still dialogue.

You employ lots of punctuation at the end of a sentence (exclamation points and question marks) when only one is supposed to be used, you forget to place commas at the end of a dialogue when there's only a period, contributing to dialogue association. You need to use hyphens (-) when making a comparison, like the broiler chicken like man. Becomes 'broiler-chicken-like-man' or something akin to that. Additionally, you never employ an apostrophe for your possessives, making them look like plurals (lions when you meant lion's. If you want to possessive a plural, since the word already ends in S, you just use an apostrophe: Lions').

As for the story-telling, I can tell you rushed through it to try and get to the 'fun' parts. You didn't explain anything. At all. Why should I care about these characters? Why should I care about what they want to do? Why should I care about what happened to our MC? I understand that you wanted to go with a more comedic route, especially with the demon filth, but it's rushed and it's contrived. Much of the story feels rushed, and dialogue feels unnatural. There's no exchange when characters interact, and you combine dialogue from two different characters. The dialogue that we do get feels generic and very cliché at times, even.

Again, this needs a complete rewrite, perhaps in the future, when you've become better at writing. I started out like this too, so don't worry about it.

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