Undomiel

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Willow Rise

Great Setting

I love the wild wild west and you did a pretty good job at painting the scenes. Your description of the places are just on point without excess detail or unnecessary description, they feel very natural. You also have some great dialogs in there that help a lot with the setting.

You handled well the flashback in the first chapter and the character is very likable. They all have their charm but I have to say they can come across as a bit naive.

The first one because I felt like he lacked a description of the times than I am very used to hear in that kind of story: the dehumanization of the native american people. the character talks like they refer as them as enemies in a war but its a bit of a naive thinking. Which may be okay since he was young and kind but I just felt like I was missing something there.
With Levi I don't feel like I got a real hold on the character. The introduction is great and at first it feels like this badass assassin that I want to get to know but at times he seems to be in awe of his boss (again this naive thinking) and clashes with the first image I got of him specially since he didn't end up doing much at the end.

I hope that was helpful!

good luck.

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That escalated quickly!

In an awesome way.

I honestly tough I wasn't going to like it because the first part is so gray. You start with a character and a situation that don't stand out in any way so I doubted you for the first chapter dear author.

I was so wrong! You bring out so much drama and possibility so fast its like a whiplash after the first chapter. You work is obviously focused on your characters personalities and you are doing a great job at revealing them piece by piece.

I found the male lead fascinatingly ugly. I hope that was what you were going for, it reminds me of realism books. The first person POV works great for this. I saw some comments on the show not tell and asking for more descriptions but if you are going for a character study I don't think is really necessary and sometimes people forgets that first person POV is unreliable, what your character is telling also shows his personality. Like how he tells that he feels guilty but his previous stream of tough is a justification of his actions. The gap between those makes him look a bit creepy and immature. I think is awesome and can't wait to see how his little obsession develops.

Things you can improve is a lot of typos in your work and a few wrong choices in words. Editing it a bit more can fix that easily.

Great work!

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Very polished

I can tell you actually put some effort editing your work which of course results in high quality writing! Congrats!

The story is not boring at all! It places you into a situation that may not be the most tension inducing but is still very interesting and is clear that there is much more coming, is very well paced and it flows smoothly. I really like the way everything is handled with a decent amount of logic.

The thing I like the most is your main character. I don't know if its what you were intending but she comes across as not only a very mature and collected woman but also a bit inflexible, none of which are things you often find in a main character. I absolutely love it, is just the start of the book but I already can see some very defined personality and maybe some flaws that will hopefully prevent her from turning into a Mary Sue.

The main thing I believe you can improve is that your writing style doesn't always match the genre. You can be a bit over the top with your choice of words specially in the first chapter, is part of what makes the main character feel a bit stiff which is good if that's what you are going for with her (a bit theatrical with her words) but it can get too much from time to time. For example if you describe the wood as rigid I can't help thinking that wood is always rigid. In short I think your work is great but it could do with some more plainness.

Good luck!

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Awesome World

Hey there!

Great work with the plot, the story is super fun and easy to engage. I love how you present the character in a peculiar situation right at the begging but without the world building getting cramped that's not easy to do. Your alternative world situation mixed with elemental powers its very entertaining and with a good, well defined dark side.

The things I believe you can improve are mostly the descriptions, sometimes they can feel unnatural, when your character goes on like there is a list of things they need to describe it feels very obvious that you are doing it so the reader knows what is there, I think you could try to be more subtle about this specially because you use first person POV. Why would your character take notice of something they see every day? Give them an excuse to mention something about their surroundings in passing, and try more general descriptions. Try asking yourself if its necessary for the setting or if you can skip it.

Also the transitions in the mood of the characters can be a bit abrupt. You need to be very clear about what and how is the emotion of a character changing. You can't just tell your reader that A say something mean to B if the dialog itself didn't read as mean. Try giving a bit more of an explanation at the characters emotions.

Hope you find something of that helpful and that I made myself clear!

Keep working hard!

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