C.H.H

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A good beginning

The second chapter is really deattached from the first, maybe mark it as a prologue or something?

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I like it.

The words and story flows well. There is no errors breaking the pacing, and it left me wondering.

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What is there not to like

I am a huge fan of fantasy, and so this is a good fit for me.

I love your writing style. It keeps me engaged and doesn’t bore. The overall story is beautiful. There are some small issues, like how she looks, and her state of mind that would be nice to know. But other than that, a great job. I don’t like how you capitalize words in a sentence. Example: YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN. A simple ‘!’ would be enough for me. Chapter eight feels like it has some purple prose in it.

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Nice

Has some issues, but that's ok.

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The story is nice.

There are some gramatically errors, and they break the pacing. I like the story. espeically, that it is made for young adult/adult.

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Something missing.

You go from an introduction right into the game. It leave a lot action missing. It breaks the flows of the story for. Except for this you did a great job.

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I'm a bit picky

So far, so good. There is a lack of description of the environment, people, and what they are wearing. At times I am confused about who is it being talked about. Is it a he or she, and what are their names. The plot in chapter one appears to evovle around him missing Shizuku, but after the beginning I'm wondering what is going on. It all appears kind of deattached from the other two chapters, like a prologue.

Besides that, there are some grammar problems. I'm certain you can do better if you re-read it slowly. There are some nice descriptions in there, and the flow of the story is good. I don't like the japanese words in there personally, but I recognize that they are there and it's not that bad.

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Good

The prologue really left a lot of questions that needs answers.

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I'm a bit picky

Interesting.

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I'm a bit picky

Good story overall. Rich man who can do whatever he wants.

But all the errors breaks the pacing.

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