M.L. Bull

South Carolina

College student. Blogger of American Lit. Novelist of Christian fiction novel 'With You Forever' and 'The Words by Heart Saga' series (in progress). I aim to write stories that touch hearts :)

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Captivating story, but could maybe use some adjustments.

Hello, William!

What an adventurous story! There is so much going on, but honestly, I'm not positive of everything that exactly what happens. I read the first two chapters, and from what I read, it appears that an elderly man desires to be young again and rid himself of his health issues. (Very neat plot setup!) He comes into a fantasy world supervised by a Door Man where people can restore their youth. (Cool concept!) Then there is a point in chapter 2 where the narrator witnesses his death while he is still alive??? I'm not sure if this is right, but if so, I think it would be helpful to mention the separation of his spirit from his physical body, if this is what you were referring to. That way the reader can distinguish the difference. Regardless, I believe this story has potential.

Your narrative voice is believable, but I felt more like I was being told what happened more than shown what happened. There are also a few grammar issues, and I think too many unnecessary commas in the story. A couple adjustments I think could be helpful. I hope you don't think this criticism personally, but I believe in giving my honest opinion in critiques/reviews, and appreciate the same from others. It's how I believe we become better writers.

~ M. L. Bull

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Unique romance story

Hi!

From what I read, this is a unique romance of an imaginary world. This story flows nicely and I liked how you wrote chapter two and your word choice and descriptions. The switch between third to first person point-of-view at the end of chapter two kind of confused me a little, but it was the only thing in this chapter that set me off guard. I read chapter three and some of chapter four too, and I appreciate the fact you specifically shared chapter two to me because I did notice a few bad words, but I'm not holding it against you. It's nice that Leslie took Agatha in and raised her as her own daughter, and Agatha being left outside her house alone makes me wonder who her real parents are, which is why I'll read chapter 13 about her mother.

Keep writing :)

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Great, suspenseful mystery.

Hi! I read the prologue and first two chapters of your story. I'm not gonna discuss punctuation because you're already aware it needs improvement. lol But as far as your story content, I think it's interesting with a good sense of suspense, Though your narrative voice is believable, I wish there was more showing rather than telling. I think you should also consider using only one point of view.

The switch to third-person in chapter two took me off guard because I was thinking "How could Amelia know about the policeman's thoughts?" and "How could she know about Harold's investigation if she wasn't present in this chapter?" If Amelia is your viewpoint character (the one though whose eyes/mind the reader sees story) she cannot know what someone else is thinking, or doing if she isn't around.

Aside from these few things, from what I read, this was a great mystery. :)

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Enjoyed the read with minor grievances

Hello, Aalia!

Your story compelled the emotional pain and struggle of a teenage girl very well.. The imagery was also convincing and well-written, showing the different personalities of your characters and their actions. However, I do think that many of your sentences are too lengthy and could use some simple splitting up, a problem of run-on sentences that I must admit I likewise have issues with at times. I also did not appreciate the foul use of language in different areas of your character dialogue, though I know some writers are accustomed to this, especially when writing dramatic, emotional scenes. I don't use profanity in my writing because for one, it's against my religious principles to even say them, so why would I write it in my story?

Another reason though is because I believe emotional character dialogue can be conveyed without the use of such language, and that character emotion is best shown when expressing characters' dialogue in other creative ways based on characters' personalities, It is a truth that we all act and express ourselves differently when feeling different emotions, and I think characters should too, instead of overused foul crutch words. Nonetheless, you have a gift of writing and aside for my disagreement of the use of foul language, I enjoyed reading the story.

Keep up the good work!

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