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Captivating story, but could maybe use some adjustments.
What an adventurous story! There is so much going on, but honestly, I'm not positive of everything that exactly what happens. I read the first two chapters, and from what I read, it appears that an elderly man desires to be young again and rid himself of his health issues. (Very neat plot setup!) He comes into a fantasy world supervised by a Door Man where people can restore their youth. (Cool concept!) Then there is a point in chapter 2 where the narrator witnesses his death while he is still alive??? I'm not sure if this is right, but if so, I think it would be helpful to mention the separation of his spirit from his physical body, if this is what you were referring to. That way the reader can distinguish the difference. Regardless, I believe this story has potential.
Your narrative voice is believable, but I felt more like I was being told what happened more than shown what happened. There are also a few grammar issues, and I think too many unnecessary commas in the story. A couple adjustments I think could be helpful. I hope you don't think this criticism personally, but I believe in giving my honest opinion in critiques/reviews, and appreciate the same from others. It's how I believe we become better writers.
~ M. L. Bull
Intriguing fantasy story!
I read the first three sections of your story and enjoyed them. I liked your colorful, visual descriptions and your characters, particularly Marlene and Vera. I also like the suspense that resides in seems like every end of a chapter to keep the reader reading and wanting to know what happens next. The Selective Compartment seems like a pretty suspicious agency, and it makes me wonder why these teenage children are selected in the first place. Guess I'll have to read on to find out. There are a few mistakes with your dialogue tags, and some which may not even be needed because your character's body language alone can distinguish who is talking. Frequently adding dialogue tags where they aren't necessarily needed can slow down the pace of a story. (Sometimes I'm guilty of it too. Lol :p)
This was pretty much the only thing that concerned me. From what I read, it made it think of 'The Hunger Games.' I never read the books or seen the movies, but I have heard a little about it.
Keep up the good work! :)
Enjoyed the read with minor grievances
Your story compelled the emotional pain and struggle of a teenage girl very well.. The imagery was also convincing and well-written, showing the different personalities of your characters and their actions. However, I do think that many of your sentences are too lengthy and could use some simple splitting up, a problem of run-on sentences that I must admit I likewise have issues with at times. I also did not appreciate the foul use of language in different areas of your character dialogue, though I know some writers are accustomed to this, especially when writing dramatic, emotional scenes. I don't use profanity in my writing because for one, it's against my religious principles to even say them, so why would I write it in my story?
Another reason though is because I believe emotional character dialogue can be conveyed without the use of such language, and that character emotion is best shown when expressing characters' dialogue in other creative ways based on characters' personalities, It is a truth that we all act and express ourselves differently when feeling different emotions, and I think characters should too, instead of overused foul crutch words. Nonetheless, you have a gift of writing and aside for my disagreement of the use of foul language, I enjoyed reading the story.
Keep up the good work!
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