ZeroDivide Gaming

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An Interesting Story

Overall its an interesting story, and I sort of like the plot and subject matter.

However I get the impression that as a writer you should consider doing a bit more research into behaviors of the time period. For example early on I was wondering what 'unbecoming' dresses you refereed to really were, because I would expect that of the time period it would be the difference of showing an inch of ankle vs it overlapping the wearers boots. In addition Claire talks back to her parents a lot in an age where talking back to your parents got you slapped or hit (and possibly locked away in a room for weeks/months/longer). In a series of books that focus a lot on following characters though the ravages of time more care should be taken in this area.

Your language style is very modern. As a side effect, your characters that live in the 1500's are using modern language instead of what would be appropriate for the time. While you have done well keeping slang out of your story, aside from telling me what year the story takes place it, it feels like its just taking place in some small farming community in 2010's. For example, terms such as in chapter 3 "look it up" are almost unheard of at the time, and expecting Claire to be able to read is silly, as her parents would need to be rich nobles or scribes for them to even bother with the expense of teaching a son how how to read, let alone a daughter.

And its not just Claire that acted out of character. Considering Seans origins its a surprise he wasn't a devout christian as they tended to orphanages and the like. And apparently while there he worked at counting money to be able to look at a sack of bills and quickly estimate its value to the thousands. And I have no explanation for how he managed to avoid interacting with pretty much the entire town for a year.. He would have been a hot topic for town gossip for months after showing up and many people would have wanted to talk to him.

As a different note, when setting scenes you have a tendency to avoid description by adding explanation. for example in chapter 18, "two girls from the nearby brothel were shown though the bedroom door which quickly closed and locked behind them. Both young girls were giggling in amusement at their night's assignment, nowhere near aware of how deadly their night may easily become upon having entered that room" How do we know they are from a nearby brothel (obviously Haven would know, but your not really narrating from his position, This is more or less Seans point of view). Did the girls lock the door or did someone on the other side lock it? Explaining about the danger feels more like someone explaining the start of a play then something occurring in the center of an already developed scene. Consider instead "The door opened a jar and two young girls wearing whispey dresses with revealing bodices slipped in. The pugnant stench of tobacco, liquor, and sex hinted at where they had been earlier this night. They giggled together in shared amusement oblivious to the serious nature of the conversation before them.. or to the the sharp click of a lock as the door they used was closed behind them." This provides more of a descriptive view of the scene that both engages the readers senses and helps paint a more vivid image in their head of a very important chapter.

And lastly.. From a publication standpoint.. I know you have said that you were upset with people that claimed you were using too much of the rules from white wolf, and you were saying all you used was some clan names. In my opinion it does appear you are using a lot more then just clan names. There is nothing wrong with it, but if you don't have their permission to publish they 'may' be able cause you trouble. More likely they will just ignore it unless you become a best selling author. And maybe you can get away claiming to use the fair use laws. But its something to consider again, and not just brush off. Maybe toss white wolf a letter (not e-mail) asking what their stance is on fan fiction that doesn't involve their own characters or stoylines?

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