Blood, love and tears

The wedding plans were fresh in my mind, and I couldn’t be more excited, I had two magazines in my bag with decorating ideas and some dress ideas, but those I wasn’t going to show David. When I got to the living room he was there, beautiful with his slightly long hair and narrow gaze intent on a medical record, without even thinking twice I sat in the vacant chair in front of him, pulled the magazines from my bag and with all the excitement in the world , and perhaps even in a more hysterical tone of voice than usual I said:

“Love, I found the perfect decor, what do you think of lilies and champagne roses?”

His expression was one of utter contempt, he looked up at me, and when his hazel eyes met mine, I almost fell out of my chair.

“I think it’s utter nonsense, I don’t even know what all the excitement is about, and I have much better and more important things to think about than that, Pamela.”

The words were like spears that pierced my heart, all my excitement was replaced by sadness and bitterness, but it didn’t compare to what was to come.

“In fact, I don’t know why you're planning it, we don’t have a date, and honestly, I don’t even know exactly if we should get married.”

That hit me hard, I was speechless, for a few seconds I looked down trying to assimilate what he had just said.

“But you propose me.”

“But now I don’t know if that’s what I want.”

My world fell, and my floor collapsed I could only break down in tears, and I had no more control of my breathing, I got up and left there aimlessly and without understanding where I was going, I thought he could follow me, but he he simply went back to his reading, letting me out without even saying a word or one last look at me.

I walked with my head down trying to disguise the crying that ran on my face, in vain, because it was too visible, I was upset and confused, when I realized my feet took me to the place that brought me the most peace that I knew, the operation room. I went to the counter and tried to look on the board for an empty room so I could have my moment alone and burst into tears, but they were all full and operating, I suddenly got dizzy and as I leaned against the side of the board I hit the light board that it was mistakenly open and I turned off the lights in some of the rooms, in desperation I tried to fix it and turn it back on, but I believe I turned it off in others, a nurse saw my confusion and came to help me.

“Is everything alright Dr Clewny?”

“Yeah, I just accidentally turned off the lights.”

I replied with a choked voice, but my wet face showed that I was not well at all.

She turned the lights back on one by one, but some people came out of the rooms to see what was going on, I saw a nurse who left confused, and then another fellow surgeon, until he left. The last person I wanted to see at that moment, his Confused blue eyes met mine, at the same time he pulled back the surgical cap revealing his blond hair, when he saw me crying his expression went from confusion to astonishment and he practically ran towards me.

“Pam, did something happen? Are you okay?”

“I, I… didn’t mean to turn off the lights, I’m sorry, I’m just….”

I couldn’t finish talking, I couldn’t lie to him, I didn’t even know how to tell him what had happened.

“It’s no use telling me you’re fine, because I know you’re not. Come on, let’s have a coffee, and you can tell me.”

He went back into the preparation room and asked the intern to finish the suture. Without me saying another word, he pulled me by the waist and took me out of there, got two coffees in the cafeteria and we went to one of the break rooms that was empty, I sat on one of the beds and he sat next to me, looking at me in the eyes and waiting for me to start talking.

“I don’t know if I want to tell you what happened.”

“It was David, wasn’t it? Forget I’m your ex, remember I’m your best friend, always have been and always will be, you can still vent to me.”

“It’s not just that, it’s just…” I took a deep breath and started crying again. “I…I still have feelings for you Jared, I always had, I…and whatever David does wrong, my brain runs the thought of the damn phrase that’s been roaming my mind since I left: Jared wouldn’t do that.”

His eyes were now wide open, and he reacted with surprise when I said that I still had feelings for him, I took a deep breath, tried to contain the tears and spoke again:

“And after my fiancé…ex-fiancé simply told me in the common room minutes ago that he thinks planning our wedding is the biggest bullshit and that he doesn’t even know if he really wants to marry me, he lets me go off crying without even caring what I was going to do it, and you come out of surgery and drop everything to console me, me not even being your girlfriend... I stay... I don’t know what I think now.”

I was afraid, but I lifted my eyes and met his, my heart was in my mouth, and my stomach was turning, I’ve been like this so many times, face to face with him, we’ve been together so many times, but now it was different, now I was more mature and I think maybe I should never have left , and I never should have let him go, I loved him even more than before, but I suppressed that feeling for both of us being in a relationship, but honestly now, for me I was committed to fighting for him.

Jared put his hand on the side of my face, caressed my cheek which made a shiver run through my entire body, and made my eyes close and my face turn towards his hand, he rested his hand on the back of my neck, he pulled my face close, and his gaze roamed all over my face for a few seconds, analyzing every detail, until he pulled even closer, until our lips were almost touching, my mouth was slightly open and my breathing was labored, I don’t think I ever would been so nervous my whole life. And then, he kissed me gently, when our lips touched I felt almost an electric shock, the passion I always felt for that man rekindled and filled me again, it was so easy to love him, and I felt alive again. Our kiss was getting more intense, his tongue invaded my mouth, and I sighed with pleasure, how many times I remembered his hot kiss, his other hand now grabbed my waist and pulled me close, our bodies glued, made my excitement increase, my brain’s reason was off, but a sliver of judgment that was left remembered that as much as my relationship was over for me, officially I was still engaged, and he had a girlfriend (nothing more, nothing less than the director of the hospital) . I closed my mouth and pulled away from him slightly, his open mouth smeared with lipstick and heavy breathing drove me crazy, but I needed to think rationally right now.

“As much as I want to, we can’t Jared, you have a girlfriend.”

“She knows.”

“Know what?”

“That I still love you.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I was upset when you came back, and she’s smart, she pressed me and asked if I still liked you, I said yes, and she understood.”

“She agreed to stay with you anyway?”

“She likes me, and said she knew we wouldn’t have anything because you were engaged, but on second thought, I need to stop fooling her, there would be no future there, my future is with you, as we always planned.”

He hugged me, I remembered all the times we planned our future together, and the happiness that brought me. He squeezed me hard against his body, and his hand went up my spine until it reached the nape of my neck, his fingers entered between my hair, shivering all over my body, he grabbed some locks closing his hand and gently pulling my face back, getting face to face with him again. Jared’s eyes were full of tears, he was emotional, and it was another reason I loved him. This time, I kissed him and he moved his lips down to my neck, making me moan.

“Jared, no, this is hard for me too, but if we’re going to be together, we need to do this right.”

“You’re right, but, I’ve waited for this for so long.”

“You can wait just a little while longer and we’ll sort everything out.”

I lay in his arms, and we held each other on the bed for a few minutes, it seemed that time was paralyzed, and I had never felt so good and so safe.

“I’ll clarify with David, we just argued and I left, he said he didn’t want to marry me anymore and I left in a huff.”

“I’m going to break up with Judith, and then we’ll see what we do, agreed?”

“Combined.”