In The End

This is the end. The end of my story. I never thought it would end like this. I always thought I would have more time but in the end my life ends like this. In this dark dirty motel room, on this disgusting bathroom floor, surrounded by nothing more than the sounds of the city around me. If I knew it would end like this I would’ve done more. Loved more, cried less, said the things I wasn’t brave enough to. How stupid is it to be laying here thinking about these past regrets now? I can’t help it. All my mistakes, all my regrets…they’re all filling my head with these damn thoughts. I hate it. 

I tried so hard in my life to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect mother…but it was never enough. I was never enough. People say that when you’re dying you see all your memories but that’s not true. I don’t see anything but darkness and feel nothing but excruciating pain. The dim bathroom light flickers as I lay here in a puddle of warm crimson. After everything that led me to this moment, my heart still breaks thinking about all the people I’m leaving behind.

My parents…they’re going to be so disappointed in me when they find out I died here. My best friend. She’s going to hate me for leaving her alone in this crazy world. My son…will he blame himself for not seeing the pain I was in or would he resent me for abandoning him? My daughter, even though she’s so young, what would her life be like without me in it? My love…he’s the one I feel the most sorry for. If I hadn’t caught him cheating with that co-worker that night maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation.

Of course I can’t put all the blame on him, afterall I made the choice to come here. I choose to believe that text. I decided my own fate. If I had decided to give up on these damn hopes of reconciliation with him, I wouldn’t have walked into such a set up. Breathing is becoming difficult. The tip of the knife is pushing itself deeper into my lung. A strong burning sensation fills my throat as I struggle for air. Black spots cloud my vision. The dim light fading in and out as my eyes get heavy. How I wish this wasn’t the end of my story. It’s so cold. I can feel my body shivering. “It has to be the blood loss. I never thought it would take so long to bleed out.” I gasp out. Bitter tears fall from the corners of my eyes as I remember the last conversation I had with my family.

“I have to go out and meet Jackson. He texted me saying he needed to talk to me about what happened last night.” My voice was shaky as I spoke into my cell. My Mother sighed. “I don’t think that’s a good idea Rose. You’re Father and I don’t mind watching the kids but I’m worried about you.” I smile to myself as I continue down the busy street. At this time of night on Saturday, Main street is always busy with college kids and people celebrating the weekend. I had stopped to have a drink with my best friend, Payton, before getting that text from Jackson. Her response was almost the same as my Mothers.

“I’ll be fine Mom. It won’t take long. I’m just going to talk with him and then I’ll head home.” A long pause. “Ok, text me when you’re on your way home so I know you’re safe. I’ll tell your Father that you’ll be home late so that he can tug the kids into bed.” “Thanks Mom. Tell the kids I love them and I’ll be home soon. Oh don’t let Michael forget to pack his school back and have Dad put Jasmines night light on. She’s still having nightmares about the hospital so Dad may have to stay with her a little longer tonight.” “See this is why I think you should just come home.” My Mother snapped. “That thug is nothing more than trouble for you and the kids. I know you love him but he’s already proven to you how trustworthy he is. Come home, please. Be with your children and forget about that asshole.”

It was true. Jackson was a thug and an asshole but for some reason I loved him just the same. The saying ‘you can’t help who you fall in love with’ rings true in my case. When I first saw him in the restaurant five years ago, I knew right away what kind of person he was. His tall muscular build in that black tank top. A long silver chain hung around his neck with that one black skull earring. Those black skinny jeans with those black boots. He wore a black and white letterman jacket with the letters A.C.E. on the back with the skull and dragon was a dead giveaway who he was affiliated with. The dragons were one of the most notorious gangs in our city. Unless you didn’t live in the area you knew who the Dragons were.

“I promise, I’ll be home as soon as I finish talking to him. I just want to hear it from him. Once he tells me the truth, I’ll leave. I can’t live this way. I have to know why.” Another long pause. “And if you don’t get the answer you want? If he doesn’t tell you what you want to hear…What then?” I didn’t know how to respond. All I was focused on was what I was going to say once he told me about that mysterious woman he was kissing. I didn’t think about anything else. “Rose, please, just come home.” I opened my mouth to respond as I stepped up to the motels entrance. I look up at the sign, my eyes becoming red as I push down the tears. “I got to go Mom. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way home.” I push the red ‘End’ button before shoving the phone into my jacket pocket. The rest is a blur.

The cold I felt was now a dull numb feeling. I wasn’t shivering anymore. I guess I could thank God for that. I remember in my group therapy sessions a young woman covered in scars commented something that stayed with me. Even now in this state I can’t forget what she said. “People idealize death. They romanticize what it would be like to kill yourself. How sad people would be when they weren’t around anymore. What it would be like to die. They make themselves believe it would be this wonderful release of pain. I don’t get it. It’s nothing close to being a wonderful feeling! It’s horrible. It’s dark and lonely like being dropped into the ocean. You instantly regret the choice but it’s too late to take it back. It’s too late to make a different choice so you just accept your fate. I can’t understand why people say such stupid things.”

I empathized with her but as a Mental Health Counselor, we aren’t allowed to say such things in session. I’ve struggled with my own demons my entire life. Even going so far as attempting to end the pain in more ways than I can count in my younger years. It took me a long time to realize that no matter how hard I tried to end it all, how much I wanted the pain to stop by taking that way out, I was on this earth for a reason. That’s why I studied hard and became a Mental Health Counselor for troubled youth. I’ve been in their shoes. I always told my clients that no matter how hard life is at that moment, it can always get better. I said it so much that I even began to believe it. But look where I ended up.

I suddenly felt so tired. My eyes closed on their own as I felt my heart beat slow and the world around me fade. I guess this is it. A weightless feeling came over me, like floating in cool water. It was soothing. “...on…” What? “...ose…hang…on…” Why would I hear his voice now? Even in death, I still can’t let him go. I hate myself. I hate him. I just want to go in peace but God can’t even grant me that. How I wish I never fell for that man. How I wish I could just forget his face, our memories of happiness and love. Why can’t I just forget?