I did something bad.. and I have got away with it...

I’ve got a secret. You wouldn’t know by looking at me. Seventh grade at middle school, twelve-years-old. Blonde hair, brown eyes. Classed as one of the weirdos at school. Not one of the ones who gets bullied, that’s Aziza and Beth. Not one of the popular bullies like Mary and Nola. I was near invisible at Carrahan middle school. I was mostly friendly to everyone. I was friends with Aziza, Beth and Apple. They don’t know my secret. Nobody knows... except Mary who saw the whole thing.

I have known Mary since we started kindergarten together. We weren’t friends then, nor enemies, she could be quite mean to other students but back then, I was oblivious, she was nice enough to me and everyone wanted to be like her. When she teased someone, we all laughed back. She was the teacher’s pet even though she wasn’t the smartest in the class, that was Apple and back then, I thought she was just a nerd that loved to hang out in the library doing boring stuff.

I became less oblivious at grade 5 when she, Nola, Camilla, Dolly, Vanessa and Hollie-Anne-Jane, in their little clique, started to bully Aziza and Beth. They were always in a little gang with each other. Because nobody wanted anything to do with them. Because they were different. Because they were larger than the rest of us. I saw them push them both, with their nasty comments sticking to them like slime.

“Oh, aren’t we just blessed to have such shining examples of diversity like Aziza and Beth with us? I mean, just look at them, trying so hard to fit in. It’s almost like watching a couple of puppies trying to climb a tree. So adorable. But, you know, if they’d just lose a few pounds and get some decent clothes, maybe they wouldn’t be such easy targets.” I could hear Mary say.

The others then laughed. I then went up to them, without them noticing that I was watching them. I could see Aziza, shaking in her boots. Her red hair was flowing in the wind, shivering. She was one of the smallest kids in our grade (only me and Hollie-Anne-Jane were smaller) and was the heaviest in our grade, the shyest, the one who always stammered around Mary. I could see Beth, trying to make a joke about herself, twirling her blonde hair as she did that. Trying not to act like the words got to her. But it did.

Then Hollie-Anne-Jane noticed me, her blonde hair like a halo on her head. Her glasses making her younger than she really was, her eyes darted upon me, glaring as she whispered to Mary,

“Someone’s watching but it ain’t a teacher.”

She then turned around and spotted me, her short dark hair nearly glowing with the sunlight, her eyes darting towards me, hunting me down. but she then put on one of her rosy smiles and then said,

“Oh, Bian, Bian, I thought you liked my games, don’t worry about them two... we are just playing, aren’t we?”

They both nodded solemnly but were looking at me as if I was going to do something. I just glared at Mary and then said,

“Oh really, bullying people just because they are different from your riches and beauty what a classic. Honestly that is so stupid Mary.”

She clearly wasn’t used to being told off. She looked as if she had never been told off in her life. All of them. Mary then beckoned the others to leave Aziza and Beth alone but still was standing right in front of me, with Hollie-Anne-Jane who was grinning behind her. Beth and Aziza then walked off, looking in fear for me. Not leaving my eyes for a second until Mary spat,

“What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing Mary, just what is wrong with you, bullying them just because they are a little chubby. That they are not as rich as you guys. You just want everyone to be like living dolls.”

“Oh, shut up Bian. You know you cannot tell a teacher. They love me and nobody will believe you.”

I then huffed as she and Hollie-Anne-Jane then laughed in my face as they then pushed me. I could feel the trickle of fresh blood upon my forehead as I struggled to get up.

“Next time, don’t you even think about it.”

I could hear their giggles as they then walked away. I then felt two pairs of hands helping me get up. I looked behind me and saw Aziza and Beth, still a little scared from the bullying from the few minutes before I stood up to them.

“Thank you.” I then said.

Beth was the first one to say a word, “No thank you -isn’t it Bian? I’m just glad someone stood up to her, you know. Her face when you told her off was something I should have taken a photo of.”

Aziza then chimed in, “I-I just wanted to help. Y-you know even if the t-teasing never stops.”

I then smiled at them. From that day on, we were friends, we usually hung out at the library with Apple which after a few months then started to hang with us. I could still hear their sneers and remarks, but we usually just ignore them. Their remarks were not going to define who we are.

Now I know you are wondering? What is my secret, one that I haven’t even said to anyone, the secret that only Mary and I know about. Well, it’s about Hollie-Anne-Jane. You might have seen her picture in the news, on a glass frame at school covered in candles and flowers and messages. I still remember the push, the shove, the stab. Her scream. Mary’s scream as she saw the whole thing.

I didn’t even know that she was dead until she screamed. Until the police cars came. I begged Mary not to say what happened that night. I didn’t care if she was going to try and threaten me and tell the cops the truth if I didn’t do as she said. I couldn’t disappoint my mom.

I keep on thinking about mom, working three jobs just to make ends meet, trying boyfriend after boyfriend but always failing to make them stay for more than a few months. I was everything to her, she always called me her little sunshine. It’ll break her heart if she found out that I was arrested. Going to jail, for what could be for life.

Yes, I killed Hollie-Anne-Jane, a few weeks ago. I was angry, she was relentlessly teasing me, about my friendship with the chubsters and nerdy birdy. She grabbed me as she flung me towards the roof. I was trying to study for the big test and mom’s door was locked and Hollie-Anne-Jane’s parents were having another one of their parties.

I remembered her insults, I remembered everything that happened. But I just wanted to forget. I did lie to the cops, saying that I was at the park, taking a walk and studying for the big test. I was worried about what Mary said but since I didn’t get arrested, I assumed that she’d lied.

I remember that Hollie-Anne-Jane was going for a sleepover at Mary’s 100 room mansion. I still remember her funeral, how I heard her parents whisper,

“Whoever did this to our little girl- I hope that they get caught. Whoever took away her life, I hope that you are happy now?”

I still felt the guilt creeping up to my toes, in my gut, but I couldn’t say it out loud. But deep down I knew, I killed Hollie-Anne-Jane... and got away with it. Police are still looking, and I hope that they get someone else. Maybe a psycho that they have been tracking down for years? That might let the guilt go away.

Who am I kidding of course it’ll never go away. But I got a secret now and I knew at all costs that I cannot tell it, not the truth, to anyone. Not even to my friends. Only me and Mary knew.