Chapter 1

Little Red Riding Hood goes to visit her grandma deep in the woods, but meets a very strange creature along the way, as well as a whole host of other interesting characters.

This is a wild, very English mishmash and misinterpretation of everyone’s favourite fairy tales, packed with innuendo, absurdity and questionable decisions. Read if you dare!

A little note before we start...

This story began life as an interactive fiction story on Chapters, and has now been adapted into prose.

One tiny pronunciation note: Mama, Papa and Grandmama are ma-MAH, pa-PAH and grandma-MAH.

Right. On with the chaos!

“Trixie! Come quickly!”

Mama’s voice disturbs the rather pleasant erotic fantasy playing out in my head.

“I’m trying!”

I woke up feeling a little bit frisky, so I decide to “try my hand,” so to speak.

I do hope one day in the future they invent something that will help you ‘get there’ easier. We don’t all have the luxury of a man by our side...

Then I wonder what this wonderful invention might look like and whether I’ll live to see the day when I can benefit from it.

Mama has been a widow for three years, and my mind suddenly starts going down a very dangerous path.

Does she still feel this way after Papa passed? Does she...do what I do? Ew...

Unfortunately, that thought makes my attempts even worse, so I give up.

“Ugh...me and my damn imagination...”

I hear Mama call out again, more annoyed than before.

“Trixie! I said, please come here!”

Oh...she meant that “come.”

Whoopsy.

I get out of bed and turn my attention to what to wear. I have a knack for making my own clothes, mostly because I’m never satisfied with the current styles. Mama, however, doesn’t approve.

She’s such an old biddy. Even Grandmama seems more adventurous than her.

Now to see what Mama wants.

I make my way to the kitchen, where tantalising smells of freshly baked bread and other goodies waft throughout the house.

“Trixie! What took you so-”

Mama stops mid-sentence when she sees me.

“What in the Charles Dickens are you wearing, my dear child?!”

“It’s one of my recent creations...made with a revolutionary new type of fabric. Do you like it?”

“Like it? It’s positively abhorrent! Your Papa would turn in his grave!”

“Oh, Mama...I spent so many candlelit nights putting this together.”

“So that’s where all the candles disappeared to!” She gives me a stern look. “You know candles cost a fortune. We simply can’t waste them on your silly hobbies.”

“But Mama…”

“No buts.”

I sigh. It’s no use arguing with her when she gets in one of her moods.

On second thought...she’s always so highly strung. There’s no way she would ‘pander her flower petals.’ Maybe she should...or at least remarry.

“What did you want to see me about so urgently anyway?”

“Oh yes...I almost forgot! We just received a telegram from your Grandmama.”

“Grandmama? How is she?”

“That’s the unfortunate news, I’m afraid, my dear. She’s feeling poorly.”

“Oh dear! What’s happened?”

“She fell down and broke her leg. She has to stay in bed until it heals.”

“Oh, is there anything we can do?”

“I’m glad you asked, dear. I’ve prepared some food for her, and I wanted you to take it to her. I’m sure seeing you would cheer her up as well.”

“Oh yes, I’d love to visit her.”

“Excellent. Let me just pack a basket for you.”

Mama busies herself wrapping and packing bread, cheese, fruit, dried salted meats, jam and a lovely apple pie.

“Mmm...the apple pie smells divine.”

“Grandmama’s favourite.”

I watch as more and more food disappears into the basket.

“I’m afraid it will take me a while to get there though, seeing as the basket is so heavy.”

“I’m sorry, dear, but you know the roads there are far too narrow for a carriage, and the horses often get scared taking the trails through the forest.”

“Yes, I understand. It’s no problem. I’ll just make sure to take a break every now and then.”

“You can snack on some of the fruit on the way if you like.”

“That should help.”

“I also made some muffins for you too. Blueberry and cherry.”

She puts three muffins into the already full basket.

“Oh, thank you, Mama.”

I eye the basket again and decide the muffins make carrying it slightly more worthwhile.

“I guess I should be making haste, then...”

“Not so fast. Are you forgetting something?”

I feign ignorance. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean...”

Mama looks me up and down with a critical eye.

“You will change immediately. No daughter of mine will be seen wearing this...excuse for clothing.”

I sigh, exasperated.

“Now, young lady.”

“Ugh, fine.”

I storm off to my room.

“What a fuddy-duddy.”

I rummage through my wardrobe, looking for something more “suitable.”

She better be satisfied with this. I’m definitely not changing again!

Once I’m dressed to Mama’s standards, I trudge back out to the kitchen where she’s waiting with the basket in hand.

She looks me over and nods in approval.

“There we go...you look like a proper young lady now.”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“You be sure to wear your warm coat,” she continues. “It gets cold in the evenings.”

Mama walks me out to the foyer.

“Now remember, the forest is full of strange creatures, so make sure to keep to the path.”

“Yes, Mama, I know, I know.”

I put on my coat and my knapsack, which contains a change of clothes, then take the basket from her.

“Do you plan to stay there for a few days like last time?”

“I’ll stay for at least two nights. I’d like a proper rest before starting the journey back home again.” I think about Grandmama confined to bed and add, “Perhaps I’ll even cook her some hearty soup with vegetables from her garden.”

“Oh, that’s a wonderful idea. I’m sure she would appreciate that.”

Mama glances towards the door.

“You’d best make haste before it gets too dark.”

She kisses me on the cheek.

“Goodbye, Mama.”

I wave before heading out towards the village and beyond.

Once I pass the village, I reach the outskirts of the forest. It’s a warm spring day, but in some parts the trees grow so thick that it can seem almost like night beneath their branches.

I’ve only been to Grandmama’s house on my own twice before, and both times I wasn’t carrying nearly as much as I am now.

I look back at the village one last time before turning and entering the forest.

Some time later, I come upon a small river.

It’s always so beautiful here.

Colourful flowers are in full bloom along the riverbank, and the sweet aromas of gardenias and jasmine fill the air. I take a deep breath and decide to pick a few for Grandmama.

“These will be sure to lift her spirits.”

I choose the nicest blooms and carefully place them in the basket amongst the food.

After walking for so long, I’m beginning to feel rather warm.

Perhaps this would be a good spot to have a brief rest.

I take off my coat, lay it on the grass and sit down beside the river.

Actually...I might have one of those muffins Mama made.

My mouth starts watering as soon as I bring one towards my nose.

Mmm...blueberry or cherry?

I consider my options for a moment.

I’ll pick blueberry.

I take a bite and close my eyes as the tartness of the blueberries and the sweetness of the dusted sugar icing overwhelm my senses.

Pure heaven!