Concealed-Self

My eyes are shut, my feet are freezing; I can't move my toes. I open my eyes to look around but the whole world seems pitch dark. There is something between my knees. It doesn't necessarily feel unpleasant; it has a soft surface and when I press my knees together the fabric feels strangely nice against my skin. Where am I? This doesn't feel like my bed. I try to move a little but my hip feels too stiff and my shoulders are locked. I try to turn a little, but that damn thing between my legs won't budge. I'm tired, but my tailbone hurts terribly. I close my eyes and pray for the sun. I'm sure i'll feel better tomorrow.

I am awakened by a gentle hand on my shoulder and I can make out a gentle whisper but I don't understand it. Carefully, I open my eyes and see the vague silhouette of someone with long hair in the backlight of the doorway. Something is said, I can't make out the words but I'm worried. All my warmth is suddenly and mercilessly pulled away from me. I'm undoubtedly wearing a shirt, but the icy draft over my legs betrays the fact that I'm not wearing pants. Shame overwhelms me, and I've never felt as powerless as I do now. 'What are they going to do to me?' I feel entirely crushed by the weight of a truck. My will is strong, but my body refuses. I realize there is no way to free myself; I surrender.

In this twilight I see almost nothing and the world seems to be spinning gently around me. I pray that you are not evil. Please don't hurt me.

A blinding light floods the room. The burning sensation forces my eyes shut. Immediately a warm, rubbery hand grips my legs, both at once, and abruptly lifts them high into the air. The warm, soft pillow between my knees is taken from me with one unstoppable jerk. She made it impossible for me to move... but her warmth was comforting. My legs are at the mercy of the cold air, goosebumps spread like a wave over my body. I don't know who is here in my room, but the hope that this visitor is friendly is beginning to give way to the fear that perhaps they are not.

After a flood of mechanical noises around me that I find difficult to place, a hand grabs my shoulder firmly, immediately followed by a second on my knee. Something is said about turning, but I don't quite understand. I fear it's about me. With one sharp tug, I am turned onto my right side. But I don't have that much space! Help, I'm falling! Stop me! My desperate attempts to communicate are in vain, I am unable to muster as much as a groan.

For a moment, the world grinds to a halt. I hear nothing but my own breathing as I tremble. The hand on my shoulder rubs my shirt reassuringly with its thumb. Okay... I don't understand, but I feel a little safer now. Please don't let go of me.

At the same time, a hand reaches for my stomach and my shirt is pulled up. Are there two of them? I feel a pressure, caused by the elastic band of my underwear, release off my hips, accompanied by a Velcro-like tearing noise. The front of my underwear is flipped up like the hood of a car. Am I wearing a diaper? I feel an icy draft over my exposed genitalia. "Am I naked? How could they do this to me? I'm a human being, aren't I?" A wet cloth touches me without warning. It's comfortably warm, but it feels like my whole body is being flooded with touches. Hands... everywhere.

I am desperate. I want to resist but i'm vulnerable, and fear they might start to hurt me if I offend them. But.. they're not hurting me, yet. I just squeeze my eyes closed and try to think about my mother. She would always make me feel warm and safe.

After what feels like an eternity, it finally seems to be over. They have fastned my underwear, or diaper, and a pillow is placed back between my knees. She doesn't feel as warm as she did before, but i'll warm her up again. A chilly blanket is thrown over me and a young lady's voice says, "Sleep well, sir," as she leaves the room. I believe they're gone. I'm beyond exhausted but I try to open my eyes anyway. I want to see if I might recognize where I am. But my eyes still hurt. I can hardly open them. The world is so bright...

Did they forget to turn off my light?