Chapter 1 Nightmares
I startle awake, panting. I cover my mouth, so I don't accidently scream and wake someone up. I don't want anyone coming to ask me what is wrong.
Josie always seems to know when something is wrong, and I can't do that to her! I'm trying to keep her happy and calm. Rick didn't even have to say anything to me for me to know it's best for her and the baby if she doesn't stress right now.
If she comes in here, I'll have to lie to her, and she'll see right through it. I know she does. She won't push, she never does, but she will worry about me.
I hate lying! It makes me sick inside, but unfortunately, I've had to lie for years now. Just what else am I supposed to do?
I can't go to Liv! She's younger than me, and she never listens anyway. She's much more childish than she should be.
If I had ever gone to Aunt Beth with the truth? She would've beat the shit out of me, and I was already dealing with shit from her husband. No thanks!
It's just a nightmare, Charlie! You know it!
Just breathe! You've got this. In and out. In and out. Push it away. Don't think about it. I need to focus on something else...
Think about Josie's baby. She's almost here! I'm going to be an auntie, even though I'll be gone when she's due. That just depressed me even more.
But depression I can handle. Panic attacks are hell.
For years I've had the same damn nightmare. Different variations of it, but still the same thing. Well, I supposed you could call them memories, they are close enough.
Same damn brown eyes. Same fucking hands. Same panic. Same blood and pain. Same fucking fear racing through my body, even though I should be over it by now!
Breathe... In and out... Calming thoughts... Happy thoughts... I'm safe. No one is even in here with me. No one is ever going to touch me again, or Rick will be sure to take care of them.
Rick's a good guy like that. I'm so glad he finally grew up and married Josie. Now they are the cutest little family... I wish I was capable of having a family, but somehow, I think I'm too broken for that.
And even though I know somewhere in the back of my mind, it's not real, it doesn't stop the pain and panic racing through me. All my panic responses start to flare up. All the physical memories turn to sensory overload and my brain freaks out.
Josie always used to ask me about my nightmares, I'd always lie. I don't even know if she believed me back then! She has this way of looking at me like she is searching for my deepest darkest secret, and I just can't let her get too close! So, I had to lie! It was to save her from the truth, that I don't even know if I told her now, she'd be able to handle.
"It was just Mom and Dad in a car accident," I'd tell her, or sometimes I'd be closer to the truth, "It was just Aunt Beth."
But I would never tell Josie what my dreams really are. I never will. They have to be a secret. It's for the best.
I can't! That would break her all over again.
Recently Josie tried to commit suicide, but somehow, she completely forgot all the shit she went through. I wish I was that lucky. But I don't think I want to try to die on the off chance someone saves me and I block out all my mental anguish like her.
I've tried like hell to be the dependable sister. The one everyone can turn to (even if I'm just the middle sister) when things go wrong. Liv is the pain in the ass. The mess up and spoiled princess. I can't act like the baby! I didn't want to burden Josie more than necessary.
I run my hand over my lower belly and sniff. I'm sure it was for the best. But it doesn't make me feel any better! I was just 17! What was I supposed to do? It would've made things really awkward, I suppose, if it had come to term. There would be questions, and secrets no one wants to reveal.
But still, I would've at least liked to have the choice to keep it! I wasn't even given that! Maybe if I had been born at a different place or a different time, none of this would've happened.
While most stories start with once upon a time, mine begins with it was a dark and stormy night. And I mean that literally.
We were setting up for Josie's 16th birthday part when the police showed up. Mom and Dad were in a car accident, and we had to move with Aunt Beth and Uncle Jay. As if losing my parents in one night was not bad enough...
But that was the only beginning of my nightmare. One I wish I could wash from my memory as easily as I washed away the blood. But I can't. They still linger, ready at any moment to pop back into my head when I'm most vulnerable.
Because Uncle Jay is keeping secrets. Secrets Aunt Beth doesn't even know about. And I'm not sure what the hell she'd do with me if she ever found out. So many ways he can spin a tale, making his wife believe it was MY fault, when it sure as hell wasn't.
And while I would love for him to be put away, I'm scared to death what everyone would do when they find out. Would he hurt me again? Could he still get to me when I'm away from Josie and Rick?
The thought sends a shiver of dread running through my spine. My stomach is sick with possibilities. I'm leaving to go to school to get away from Echo Ridge Pass and all its darkness. What will happen if he finds out I'm alone?
Since Uncle Jay touched me, I've been having a hard time with normal relationships with boys. Not that I don't want to have a normal relationship. I do! I just don't know if it's possible! Every time a guy touches me, I flinch. I tried to hide it, but it's just a reflex.
Even Rick! He's a good guy, and now my brother-in-law. I know he's noticed; he's even subtly asked me about it. But I just can't tell him! As much as I wish I could, I know it's better just to keep my mouth shut around him.
I know damn well if I told Rick, he would tell Josie. And Jos has enough to worry about with her baby on the way. I just want her to be happy and carefree. She deserves happiness and not worrying about my past trauma.
I've considered seeking out a doctor, but I don't know what I would tell everyone when they started asking... And like I said, I hate lying.
I've been trying to deal with the trauma on my own. I don't know how it's going, to be honest. But I'm not like Josie. I haven't tried to...
I blink and push back the memory of my sister covered in blood. She's better now! She's seeing a doctor and I've honestly never seen her happier than she is now! I want to leave it that way if possible.
She's fine and she's about to have a baby! The doctor said she is due in about 3 weeks. And I couldn't be more excited.
I think after everything that this family has been through, a little bit of happiness is exactly what is needed. I know I sure as hell wish I could have just a little bit of sunshine in my soul right now. I hate the darkness that keeps creeping inside me.
I wish I could have a baby. But I don't even know if I'm capable of it or not. Not after what I've been through. Maybe I'll grow up to be a cat lady... or maybe adopt?
First off, to actually have a baby I would have to have a man in my life. Then I'd have to be okay with his touch. And not just touch... I'd have to-
I blink away my uncle's dark eyes leering down at me from my mind. If I ever find a boy who could even tolerate me, he would not be able to have brown eyes. It would trigger something dark inside me.
Then again, Josie was put through hell. Maybe I can be strong like her. Not that I'm planning on having a baby any time soon! I'm only 19, and I have plenty of time to grow up and find my place in the world.
I sigh as I look at the clock. It's just after midnight. I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is a big day. I know I'm going to be a wreck, and with Josie's emotions going off the walls, I'm going to have to keep positive.
I'm going to miss my family. I'm not even going far away. Just to college. But it's still two hours from home. Hopefully far enough away I can hide and not look like I'm hiding.
I've been getting used to this place being home, and now I'm leaving it. But it's for the best. I have to believe I'm doing the right thing.
