Chapter I
Diary Entry
Today... everything shattered.
"It's forbidden-from the beginning!" he yelled.
His voice still rings in my ears-sharp, fiery, final.
His eyes burned with fury. I've never seen him like that before.
But me?
I was cold. Ice cold.
Like water trying to tame fire.
He was rage. I was silence.
We were different-always have been.
Still, I tried to belong to him.
Tried to mold myself into someone who fit.
Because I was in love with him.
Madly. Blindly.
Drowning in thoughts of him.
I asked him with every ounce of control I had, "Then why did you begin it? You were the mature one. Why did you start this?"
He looked at me like I'd betrayed him, like I'd flipped the story.
His jaw clenched.
His hands were trembling, the veins stark and angry.
His eyes-red.
With anger, yes.
But also... regret. Maybe even love.
Though he hid that part like it was a crime.
He tried to justify it.
"It was foolishness... fun in the beginning. I made it clear before it went too far."
But it had gone far.
I told him,
"It wasn't the beginning when it happened. We were already deep in it. Too deep to pretend otherwise."
And then...
He straightened his shoulders.
Declared it was over.
"I have the power here. I'm ending it. The boundaries will be reestablished."
He clapped his hands, like closing a deal. Like we were a meeting agenda.
My heart broke a little more.
I asked him,
"What about the moments we shared? The ones with no boundaries? What about all of that?
You call it forbidden, but wasn't it real? Isn't it real?
Be brave, Christopher. Take a stand for us. Don't be a coward."
I knew I was pushing him, and it only made it worse.
"Cowardice?! It's WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!"
He stomped.
Slammed his desk.
Threw his files everywhere like they were made of our memories.
And then... I just walked away.
Didn't turn back.
Didn't answer when he called.
Every step out of his office felt heavier than the last.
My chest was tight.
My eyes blurred.
Tears didn't fall right away, but I could feel the
flood building.
They came as I walked through the corridor-his shouts echoing behind me.
My classmates stared.
They must've known. They must've heard.
I didn't care.
I just wanted to vanish.
Disappear.
Erase every moment I ever shared with him.
Got in my car.
No messages. No calls.
Not even a "goodbye."
I drove out of campus.
The memories came like waves.
Soft ones. Sharp ones. Crippling ones.
Why, God?
Why can't we be one?
Why does love have to be forbidden?
Why is he so distant?
Why is everything so wrong?
When I finally reached home, I was empty.
But then I saw a letter on the table.
Ambrosiana Library. Milan.
They selected me-for the authors' team.
A new door. A new place.
Maybe a new version of me.
One that doesn't love someone who can't love back freely.
One that lets go.
Leaving him behind suddenly feels like the only thing I can do.
Maybe it's time.
Maybe Milan is my new beginning.....
