Fecks,Floods & A Fecking Rooster

“Cockadoodledoo! Cockadoodledoo!"

The rooster screamed very loudly, earlier than any other morning. It was still pitch black outside and colder than usual for this time of year. All the other animals on the farm were still very much asleep, but not for much longer as the troublesome rooster kept on screaming.

A light fog was covering the farm, with frost still covering the grass. That particular morning was very crisp, as the cold air of winter was beginning to set in.

Henry, the most experienced farmer in the area, was still tucked up in his cozy, warm bed alongside his wife, Ellen.

The screams of the rooster woke Henry in a panic, so much so that he sprang out of bed and stubbed his toe on the solid oak bedside cabinet. He let out a big scream.

"Ahh, feck, my toe, my fecking toe!"

Henry lifted his foot and started hopping, still screaming from the pain.

"My fecking toe! I hate that fecking rooster!"

Henry managed to sit himself on the edge of the bed and take a look at his toe. It was bright red and thumping like a heartbeat.

Henry shouted to his wife, still sound asleep on her side of the bed.

"ELLEN!! ELLEN!! ELLEN!! Look what your fecking rooster did to my toe!"

Ellen opened one eye with confusion written all over her face.

"Wow, wow, calm down. What is going on? Why is Bernard shouting at this time of the morning?"

Henry got up from the bed, pulled on his dressing gown, and shouted very loudly towards his wife.

"How should I know? All I know is that fecking rooster is going to be made into dinner tonight. I told you I didn’t want a rooster, but no, you kept on insisting that you needed one, and now look, I broke my toe because of that fecker!"

Ellen then got up from her side of the bed. She put on her glasses and looked Henry in the eye.

"It’s not poor Bernard's fault that you jumped out and hurt your toe. He’s a rooster; roosters do that. Oh, and by the way, I like the fact he woke us up. It means I can catch up on my housework, and you can do those wonderful horse stables."

Henry looked at his watch and realized how early it was. He nearly passed out at the thought of starting work on the farm this early.

"Ellen, it's five in the morning! Those horses will still be sound asleep. I couldn’t possibly go in and disturb them."

Suddenly, he heard the sound of all ten horses neighing very loudly while banging each stable door. The sound of the horses could be heard for miles.

Ellen smirked at Henry.

"I think they are looking for some breakfast."

Henry quickly got dressed and pulled open the curtains to see the cold morning and all the work he knew he had to face.

"I fecking hate Bernard."

Henry left the room and began walking down the creaky stairs. He heard the voice of his wife shouting.

"Henry! I hope you didn’t leave those boots outside overnight. The weatherman said it would rain around two in the morning."

Henry, realizing he forgot to bring them in from yesterday’s work day, rushed to the side door of his farmhouse. He peeked outside the little window and saw the boots lying straight up in the middle of the ground.

"I swear to God, if they are soaking, I’m selling and leaving for somewhere sunny."

Henry opened the door and walked to his boots, praying they weren’t soaking, but as he lifted them and turned them upside down, water began dripping out.

"I don’t believe this! I don’t believe this! My second pair of work boots ruined! First, the dog destroyed my last ones, and now this."

Henry heard his horses making noise. They were very hungry and needed breakfast, so he quickly put on his boots and ran over to his stables. The water quickly soaked into his socks. You could hear the sound of wet socks mixed in with the angry grunting of Henry walking over to his horses.

The rooster came over to greet him, but Henry wasn't happy to see him.

"Feck off, you ugly screaming motherfecker!"

He tried to kick Bernard, but Bernard moved out of the way before he could make any impact. This led to Henry slipping and falling to the ground into a huge mucky wet puddle.

He was soaked right through, covered in muck. His white shirt was no longer white.

The horses started neighing louder, clearly amused by Henry’s misfortune.

He managed to get up from the ground, where he was able to wipe the dirt away from his eyes. He took one good look at his horses.

"Alright, alright, you all think this is very funny, but that bird is going to be eaten soon enough. Just like Frank the duck."

Henry started to get to work. He cleaned out nine stables quite fast, fed them lots of hay, and filled the water buckets to the brim. He had a habit of shouting and losing his temper when things went wrong, but he loved his horses. He would talk to them all day if he could.

"Alright, that’s nine of you done. Now, time for one more, and I can finally get my breakfast."

He looked over to his prized horse, Ellie.

Ellie is young and strong, but full of life. Her coat is shining, and her mane is well looked after. The perfect cob to have on any farm.

Henry opened the stable door, placed her headcollar on, and walked her out so he could clear out the stable. He walked her towards a lead rope that was tied to a bolt in the wall next to the hose.

"There you go. Now you stay here so I can get this stable lovely for you."

He petted Ellie and got straight to work.

Once he had finished, he took one good look at the fresh stable.

"That’s one good job you did there, Henry. It’s a shame I have to put a horse in there."

Henry walked towards the hose. He untangled it and went to fill the water, but as the water was flowing, it kept on stopping and flowing again.

"What the feck is going on here? Why is this happening?"

Henry then looked over and saw one of Ellie's hooves standing on the hose, blocking all water from getting through.

"Will you move, you silly horse?"

Ellie didn’t move, and he shouted louder.

"MOVE!!! ELLIE, LIFT YOUR HOOF! MOVE!!"

Ellie finally lifted her hoof, and the water began flowing again. Just as the water filled to the top, Henry heard a loud bang, like something hitting metal. He looked over at Ellie, where she was looking back at him with a very innocent look.

"What have you done?"

Henry went over to turn off the tap so the water would stop flowing, but as soon as he turned the tap clockwise, it fell out of the water pipe into his hand.

"What the?"

As he processed what had happened, he took a look at the hole that holds the tap and the pipe together.

"How does something like this happen? Did you do that, Ellie?"

Suddenly, as he had taken a look at the pipe, the water came flying out extremely fast, splashing Henry in the face.

"O feck, O feck!"

The water kept coming, beginning to flood the whole yard. Henry quickly grabbed Ellie and got her safe. He then kept trying to stop the water, but it kept coming, soaking Henry in the process. Henry got very stressed out and started screaming loudly.

"What the feck, O feck, O feck, O feck, why won’t it stop? I hate that fecking horse!"

Suddenly, after hearing all the noise, Ellen came running out.

"What is going on? Why is the place flooding? You need to turn it off!"

Henry saw Ellen and kept on shouting.

"It won’t turn off! The fecking horse fecked up the pipe. I can't stop it. The whole place is going to flood!"

"Well, you shouldn't have put the horse so close to the tap," replied Ellen.

"Don’t tell me how to run my farm! I’ve got this under control!" Henry shouted.

Ellen looked very angry after hearing his tone of voice.

"Now, now, there’s no need to be rude. That’s not very nice."

The water was really starting to flood his farm. He didn’t know what to do. Henry and Ellen watched on as their life’s work was beginning to take damage.

"That’s it, Ellen, we’re done for. All that money I put in is just gone. Those new stables were top of the range, and now look, they are going to waste."

Ellen gave him a hug.

"Now, now, it’s not your fault. Well, it kind of is, but you didn’t know the horse would cause this."

Suddenly, Ellen remembered how the water could be switched off.

She stopped hugging him, took one look in his eyes.

"Henry, listen now. Don’t shout, because your blood pressure has been through the roof these days. But isn’t there a water supply switch down the road from us?"

Henry took one look at Ellen.

"ELLEN!! THAT WATER HAS BEEN GOING FOR AGES! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE?!"

"I didn’t realize! I couldn’t think as you were shouting and screaming and causing mayhem!" replied Ellen.

They quickly ran towards the house. Henry slipped and fell into the same puddle that he fell into before.

"FECK SAKE!!"

He quickly got up and rushed into the front door, leaving mucky footprints across the hall.

Ellen shouted from the door.

"Take your boots off!"

Suddenly, the boots came flying out past both sides of Ellen’s shoulders.

"Look at all those footprints! What’s the point in even cleaning?" Ellen thought to herself.

Henry quickly got to the kitchen, gasping for breath.

He quickly went and grabbed some of his tools from his famous tool cupboard.

"Alright, tools, help me out here or I’m going to have a heart attack!"

"Alright, Ellen, where is it? Because I’ve never seen this before."

Ellen was confused, as it had been a very long time since she last saw it.

"Well, I know it’s somewhere on the road, I just can’t remember where."

Henry's face was redder than ever.

"WHAT?! You don’t know where it is? Quick, help me find it!"

They quickly ran outside onto the road of the farm. This area was extremely overgrown with grass.

Henry and Ellen spent a long time trying to find it, to the point where they were about to give up hope.

But Henry managed to locate the mystery water switch, deep in the grass.

Henry quickly got his tools out and turned the switch.

"Alright, let’s hope this works, because I’m not swimming back home. Ellen, say a prayer this works."

Henry turned the switch and quickly ran back to his stables with the hope that the water turned off.

He let out the biggest sigh of relief.

The water was turned off.

"Thank God for that," replied Henry.

Ellen looked over from the house and let out a big smile.

The next day, Henry got the water tap fixed and started putting his horses at a spot where the tap couldn’t be touched.

As for the rooster Bernard, he was never eaten, as Henry could never catch him, but he still kept waking him up extra early.

The end.