Chapter 1: Something was off

Chapter one : Something was off

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been conflicted about a certain part of myself.

Back in primary school, I never felt any attraction toward boys. Instead, I found myself watching the other girls who did—curious, almost jealous of something I didn’t understand.

There was this girl, Aliya. A classmate… or maybe more than that, at least to me. I loved being around her—maybe a little too much for just a friend.

When we graduated, we lost touch. No phones, no way to keep in contact. And just like that, she was gone.

Secondary school came and went, and I didn’t date a single guy. Not because there weren’t any—I just never felt anything. No pull. No interest.

Sometimes, I forced myself to have crushes. But deep down, I always chose the ones I knew would never work out.

In high school, I tried harder. I dated a few guys. None of the relationships lasted more than eight months.

It was always the same. At first, everything felt fine—flirting, texting, the excitement of something new.

But when it came to anything more… I shut down.

Kissing. Touching. Intimacy.

I hated it.

Not them—just… the feeling. Or lack of it.

Sometimes I gave in, let them do whatever they wanted, pretending it was okay. Pretending I felt something. I’d fake reactions just to make them happy.

But deep down, I knew the truth.

It wasn’t their fault.

It was mine.

I think I always knew. I just didn’t want to admit it.

The only time I ever felt something real… was back in primary school.

And even then, I refused to face it.

I couldn’t.

I just couldn’t.

But keeping it all inside was starting to drive me crazy.

I needed to tell someone.

And the only person I could think of… was Kiera, my best friend.

The only problem was—