Smokin’ Weed
I was riding a bike to nowhere for 40 minutes before bussing it to work. Working out at 2000 pushed the last of the alcohol and sleeping pill through my liver, so I’d be ‘fresh’ and awake at 0000 for work. My job is a joke. I babysit bad employees; the marginally employable people with no real skills and worse than that, no social savvy. People whose only assets were a strong back and a willingness to work at night.
I got to work, and Jerry was already there, waiting in his car an hour before his shift. He’d come straight from the bar. He comes two hours early, so he’s sober. His life consists of smoking and swearing. “How’s it going, Jerry?”
“Another fucking day in paradise. They’re going to make me work again and I don’t fucking do that.”
I relieved my colleague, Norm. I hate Norm, but keep on good terms with him because I’m sure he’ll return with his guns one day. Norm left, Jerry came in. Jerry wasn’t allowed in the building until 15 minutes before his shift. I don’t care if he comes in early, it keeps him from showing up drunk.
“Damian, we’ve got a problem,” Mike, the night-shift leader, said as he arrived. “Those new kids think it’s cool to smoke up on their break.”
“Fuck, we all smoke dope, what’s the problem?”
“They’re flaunting it. The general manager is talking about getting a drug tester or something to check to see if we’ve been smoking.”
“Everyone will be fired,” I said. “Is he seriously thinking of doing that?”
“Norm told him about an ionizer tester thing they use at the prison, and he’s been looking for one on the internet.”
“Norm…that anal little fucker. Fucking kids. We’d better make an example. Do you know where they do it?”
“No.”
“Who are they? Let me guess – Dave, Sparkles, Richy and Cheese.”
“Yup.”
“Who do we want to keep?”
“Richy is the only one who’s not a dog fucker.”
“I thought you’d want to keep him; he’s a good kid. Let’s go test the coffee machine.”
Mike and I went to get coffee. I intentionally forgot to turn the machine back from free when I closed it, after topping off the ingredients. “Remind me to turn that off before the five o’clock crew gets in.”
“Thanks for the coffee, Damian… the night always goes faster with free coffee.”
“No problem.” I changed topic, “I figure we should at least give them the chance to change before we catch them. I’m going to talk about the evils of pot. Then we’ll set them up.”
“Giving ’em a chance, you think that’s wise?”
“We’re dealing with Cheese and Sparkles. They’d go to the cops if a dealer ripped them off.”
“True. I remember when Cheese came in with that huge blister on his lip. Sparkles put a lit cigarette in his mouth when he had passed out.”
“That’s who we’re dealing with.”
For the next couple of hours, I surfed the Net for anything interesting. But, without porn, nothing is. Before break, I slipped out to the back of the warehouse yard to see if the pot-heads were puffing. I didn’t find them, but most likely they wouldn’t smoke ’til lunch at four. It felt wrong to be skulking around at two in the morning, especially without a joint. I’ve worked this shift every two weeks for five years, and it still feels wrong.
With the company’s Code of Conduct in hand, I rushed to the meeting in the warehouse. The shift was already gathered around Mike as I approached. “Nice for you to show up to a meeting you wanted,” Mike yelled. “Let me guess, important security business?”
“Very important business,” I countered.
“I know, I was in the washroom. What the fuck did you eat?” Gerry got a laugh.
Cheese tried for the same. “What didn’t he eat?” Mike’s glare made Cheese quickly follow up with: “Just joking.”
“Eggs, Fruit Loops and beef jerky. Oh, Cheetos, too.” Humorous gasps and snickers greeted my remark – fart jokes and smut are the graveyard workers’ solace.
“But seriously, we have a problem. Does everyone here know our drug policy?”
“They’re great?” Sparkles got a smile.
“It sounds like you’ve forgotten, so I’ll remind you: No employee may use, distribute or be under the influence of alcohol or drugs in the workplace. Employees who are found to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol will be sent home immediately and may be subject to disciplinary action. That is, actually will – and that action will most likely be termination. And those of you still in your first three months can expect to be dismissed.”
Mike interjected: “Sparkles, Cheese, Richy, Dean and Danny, that means you!”
“But pot is legal in B.C.,” Sparkles said. “Last month I got caught by the cops and they just took it away.”
“Took it for themselves more like,” Joked Cheese the wag.
“Weed is still illegal. But that’s not the point. The point is, we know some of you are smoking during coffee and lunch – and that’s company time.” Mike looked directly at Cheese and Sparkles as I spoke.
“The company tells you what you can and can’t do. If you don’t do what it says, you won’t have a job. Now, I know some of us like to smoke the odd joint. That’s not my business. But being stoned here is. We work with forklifts and move heavy merchandise. Being stoned while doing that is dangerous; not only to you, but to the others you work with. So don’t come to work stoned or get stoned at work. It’s a waste of a good buzz.” They all laughed. “But seriously, if you can’t go 10 hours without getting stoned, you have a problem.”
Mike weighed in. “As Damian has said, this problem will be dealt with very seriously. For those who have gotten stoned at work, this is your warning. Don’t do it anymore. Do you have anything else, Damian?”
“Yeah. I’ve been noticing a few of you not using the rolling stairs when unloading merchandise from above your heads. We bought them for a reason. Any lift with your arm above your head is a dangerous lift, potentially causing shoulder injury. Use the rolling stairs.”
Mike wrapped things up. “I’ll be watching, along with Damian. Get back to unloading. Gerry, Al and Kevin, get on to that Victoria trailer when you finish what you’re doing.”
I felt sleepy at 3ish and went for a walk around the yard. I hoped to talk with the yard guy, Peter. He drives the shunt truck, moving the hundred or so trailers around. He was asleep. I got into the warehouse to waste some more of the night.
Running around looking for their smoke-up spot would be stupid. I knew Richy would tell me if I asked him right.
“How was your weekend, Richy?” I inquired, as he manhandled a fridge bigger than he was and bigger than most would think possible.
“You know, same old, same old. I drank some rye and played on the PlayStation. Got the new EA NHL game. It’s fucking hard. Impossible to score.”
“I didn’t do much either. Went to a strip bar for my birthday. Got fucked up on ’shrooms. I got that game, too, but I have to play it at a buddy’s place, or I’ll play it all the time. You guys busy tonight?”
“Yeah, may not get it all done tonight. Fucking Christmas rush.”
“You don’t mind if I help?”
“Sure. You don’t have to ask. Why are you the only security guy to help us?”
“I ask because I don’t want to take hours from you guys. Sometimes I like to work, and it gives me some respect around here.”
“I see what you’re saying.”
“Fuck man, I’m feeling I gotta change, you know? Stop drinking and smoking dope; get a real job. Last week I felt like a kid, like you guys. Today I realized I’m two years from 30. No girl, no school, a shitty job – nothing but beer and the nudie bars. Don’t be like me.”
“Fuck, every time I go to my folks’ house I hear: ‘When are you going to school?’ But I don’t know; I kind of like this. I got what I want: a place with my buddies, girlfriend, and my car. Shit, tonight I’m going to dinner for my mom’s birthday and all night long it’s going to be: When are you going to get married? When are you going to school? I’d rather be at work.”
“Seriously, don’t be here at my age or even in a few years. Don’t be a lifer, like Gerry and Al; this is all they got. Started here right out of high school – like you – and will retire or die here.” I changed the topic. “Hey, listen, I know you go out and smoke the odd jay with Cheese, Sparkles and Dave, but it’s causing a problem. Management is out for blood – even thinking of drug testing.”
“No way, drug tests?”
“Yeah. Right now, we have a good thing. Mike gives you leeway, and I do too. But if this problem is not solved, it could cost all of us dearly. And really, the problem is not you guys getting stoned – I never said that – the problem is that the boss is hearing about it. Sparkles and Cheese do their best Cheech and Chong all the time, even in front of Steve, the General Manager. Steve’s not a warehouse guy. He doesn’t understand that 70 per cent of his staff are potheads. He’s a born-again. Nothing is wrong with that, but he’ll never understand, so we must keep that on the down low or face a puritan’s wrath. I’m not sure what to do. You think you could explain it to them?”
Richy stopped working and looked thoughtfully before shaking his head. “No, they wouldn’t stop, even if I told ’em that. No, I know I’m not going to hang around ’em.”
“Listen, Richy, one way or another, those guys are going to get themselves in trouble over this. Whether it’s bad or not is the question. You know I like you guys, but they’re making their bed, mocking rules. That angers people. I think I can keep the damage to a minimum. That’s my goal.”
A long pause followed, as Richy looked unsure. “I don’t know.”
“Richy, remember anything you say to me will not go any further, just like that other time with the guy stealing. I caught him because he stole, not because you showed me how he did it. Everything you say is confidential. I’ll not say anything about it to anyone. OK? I want to know where they’re smoking so I can catch them. And hopefully, if they’re not stupid, keep them from getting fired. If Norm or Kent or Len catch these guys, that’s what’ll happen. If I catch them and they do the right thing, they may not.”
“OK. What do you want?”
“Tell me where they smoke?”
“Back end of the warehouse, under the camera pole. There’s always that junk trailer there to block the view.”
The little bastards are smarter than I thought and, at the same time, dumber, I thought. The fools are on school property (company property, but since babysitting is what I do), their ass is grass. Because they were smoking on the property, there would be no amnesty. Worse than that, they had no idea the camera could point straight down.
“Thanks, Richy, I’ll do what I can to keep them from getting in real trouble.” I used my exit strategy and let go of an underwear-checking fart. “That’s enough work for one night.”
“You FOUL BASTARD!” followed me out of the trailer, as I laughed my way to Mike’s desk. Profanity continued to stream out of the trailer.
“What’s Richy’s problem?” Mike asked.
“I took a dump in his trailer. You gotta give ’em motivation to finish quicker.”
Mike chuckled. “That’s a shitty thing to do. You figured out where they’re smoking?”
“I’ll know after lunch tomorrow. You’ll probably need some temp workers after tomorrow.”
“That’s good to know.”
“Well, I’ll be sleeping in the first aid room ’til lunch.”
Up until now, my hangover had been cut with a lingering buzz and a quickly fading energy drink. I knew the heartburn was only the start of six bad hours. I’d get the sweats and shakes, too. Worst is the disassociation from reality these bouts of withdrawal cause; constantly feeling others can see something is wrong with you. But I could handle it now, my booze breath was gone. I had a foolproof excuse, too. It was my first day on graveyards. Plus, I’d had too much caffeine and no real sleep beforehand.
Except for turning the coffee machine back to pay, stocking the vending machine and walking around outside, I hunkered down in my office ’til my boss, John, came in. He got in at exactly 0740 and let me go early. I bussed it home and picked up two McGriddles and some liquor to go with them on the way.
Walking under a cloud-speckled sky at 0200, my consciousness lit the dark. I started worrying about the fate of Sparkles, Cheese and Dave. What right did I have to frame these potheads when I’m just the same? Sparkles lives at home; he’ll be fine. Cheese has a chick that lives with him. But Dave, he’s on his own and pays child support. Sure, doing what he does is wrong – but wrong enough to get him canned? I sat on the steps to a fire exit and called Trevor, who was on the road somewhere playing the security game. The sound of bad techno coming from a bad stereo on a weak station garbled through my cell. The music faded away, then Trevor spoke. “Dude, what’s going down?”
“Same old, same old. Being the hand of the man. I’m stressing out, I gotta frame some potheads for smoking at work.”
“Frame? Like, put weed in their locker or something?”
“No, I got one of their buddies to rat on them under the auspice of being lenient with them. But there won’t be restraint. They’re smoking on the property.”
“Give them a warning. It isn’t like your boss knows you’re going to catch them. What are their stories?”
“Well, giving them a warning is an option, but the problem is that they’re loudmouths – talking about weed in front of the Christian manager. As for them, I got no problem burning two of them – but the other one needs the job.”
“Dude, they deserve it. Fuck ’em.”
“I know they do under the man’s law. But I hate to be that. Of course, I’m too lazy to have a real job. It bothers me cause I’m more like one of them than the manager. It crosses my line, which is different than the company’s. Truthfully, my only real creed is, don’t hurt anyone. Unless they want to be, of course.”
“Dude, I go by that – with the added, ‘you gotta do what you gotta do’ and ‘why the fuck not?’ as a modifier.”
“You know, when I was 20, I had a huge list of morals and things I would do in penance if ever I broke my rules. Now only two are left.”
“What are they?”
“If I kill someone and that person isn’t the killer of someone or an enemy at war, I kill myself, even if it’s manslaughter. And the same goes for rape.”
“That’s pretty much mine, too. Dude, I’m going underground. Take it easy… the fuckers.” The call disconnected.
Fifteen minutes before lunch, I went into the warehouse and talked with Mike about nothing. When lunch was called, I made it obvious I was going to eat in the cafeteria with Mike and the rest of the crew, as Sparkles, Cheese, and Dave left to get lunch. Mike and I talked for five more minutes, and then I went to my office to make sure the camera was in the right spot. I left Mike there and headed to the back end of the yard, where Richy told me the smokers would be. I hid for a short time before Cheese’s car pulled up. Then I waited for the joint to go around a few times. I walked up to the car from the side, unseen by the camera. I wasn’t noticed. I tapped the door with my Maglite. The car jumped from the shock and Cheese said, with joint in hand, “Fuck! You scared the shit out of us!” The other two sat stunned.
“Cheese, what are you doing?” I spoke.
“What are you stoned or something? Isn’t it obvious?” Cheese took a toke, and the others snickered.
“No. Pass it here, Cheese,” I said.
“Smoking with the security? Fuckin’ eh, always knew you were cool, Damian.” Sparkles and Dave cheered me on.
Cheese passed me the joint, and I took it, knocking the cherry off on my Maglite. “OK, you guys, enough fun. I wanna see all of you in the conference room as soon as you get back. Mike will be there to meet you.”
Cheese turned to the others. “He’s fucking joking!”
“This is no fucking joke!” I pulled my radio out. “Hey Mike, you there?”
The radio crackled. “Yeah, Damian.”
“Cheese, Sparkles and Dave are coming to see you. Give ’em a seat in the conference room.”
“10-4.”
Those in the car had nothing to say. “Guys, get out of the car and go and see Mike. If you don’t, there’ll be an automatic meeting with HR. You know what that means?” Profanity streamed from the car, but slowly, Sparkles and Dave got out.
“I don’t want to leave my car here,” Cheese said.
“Cheese, either you leave the car here or I call the cops, and you get to prove you’re sober. It’ll be fine here; it’s under our security camera.” Cheese mumbled some trash talk as he got out of the car. Over the radio, I said: “Hey Mike, call up Neil.”
“Already done. Good one getting him to pass you the joint.”
I got back to the front office. Mike was watching the door to the conference room. I told him I had to burn the tape and write a report, and he should do the same. I finished the report as Neil, the warehouse manager, came in.
“What got me out of bed early, Damian?”
“I caught Sparkles, Cheese and Dave smoking a joint on the back of our property.”
“Sure, it was weed?” I produced the baggy with the half joint in it. Neil smelled it. “Hell of a lot stronger than in my day.”
“Here’s the video.”
“On tape, too? Knew something, Damian?” I winked at Neil. We watched the video. “So, we can see Sparkles smoking, and you get the joint handed to you from Cheese. But we never see Dave smoking?”
“Yeah, that’s it. I never got a good look at Dave. He was, but we can’t say that.”
“The two are gone. If Dave acts right, he’ll get a warning and have to work like a star to keep from getting canned. Better call John. Don’t want one of these punks getting pissed if you walk them out the door. I’m sure you don’t want the paperwork. Call the GM and HR, too.”
From then on, I was out of the loop. I sat in the office getting compliments, telling the story, and showing the video of the ‘bust’. I ended up doing three hours of overtime as John had to finish several reports so Sparkles and Cheese could be ‘released’. Dave was smart in his interview and got a warning, but that created paperwork, too.
Before getting on the bus home, I nonchalantly filled my three-quarters-full Pepsi with rum. I sat at the back of the bus drinking and not thinking about Cheese, Sparkles, or Dave.
