Leito Orbel

Since I met Nejtia, a second force appeared in my life, that together with the first one tempted me towards opposites. My Mentor wanted to have me a replacement for his deceased disciple, Nejtia was simply herself. The mentor is dead, Nejtia has chosen to adapt, I became simply myself. Where paths lead is fascinating. Though the strangest is that I might have never experienced it. I could have thought that she was right to enclose her changing personality in a small box of expectations… I am glad I dared to take my difficult path.

It started with falling in love. Not only with her, but also with the way she was looking at the world. I could see that I scared her sometimes. And I honestly was not surprised. I learned all the rules of politeness over the years of adapting to the Mentor’s needs, but when I was not pretending, I could not to understand basic emotions in me. Somewhere in the back of my head, the thought appeared that I should not have acted like this, under the stars I made oaths to be humble, peaceful and gentle, but in the influx of everyday stuff, my body disobeyed my will. After calling her a stupid bitch and a whore, I believed she would never speak to me again. She was pissed, but she was even more pissed because of how I was hurting myself. She slowly stretched out her hand and repeated that she was not afraid of me until she felt her heart pounding under her ribs. Part of me felt treated like a dog, another part was happy that someone was willing to put a collar on me, teach me to calm down on command. She did not really want that. After what she did later, I conclude that maybe she was afraid that her every careless order would backfire. She preferred for me to live my life, to find my happiness.

I was ready to become anyone for her, and I had to pretend anyway, another character did not make much difference. Anyway, I thought that there was no place where being myself was possible. Since I would have to pretend anyway, I at least wanted to find the best personality for myself. I felt that with her I would find the man I wanted to become. I stretched out my hands to her, “take them and make them into something beautiful”, I said. I still remember how gently her fingertips touched my hands in an unusual feminine gesture of support and which places they touched exactly, although she must have forgotten a long time ago. She refused to answer, she was careful not to talk to me about what people she got along with better, which ones she did not get along with, what guys she liked… She was not motivated by any idealistic ideas, but simply by fear, but I do not feel that this made her way any less amazing. She did not want my anger to fall on her when I finally realize that being her ideal does not give me happiness and peace, and that would certainly happen. Balancing on the fine line of being beautiful would keep me occupied for a while, but I would eventually find a moment of peace when I would look up and realize I cannot get anywhere. Nothing greater would motivate me, there would be no duty to make my burden sweet, there would be no truth. My whole life would consist of squeezing into the boxes that she would bring me. There were so many things she could have done with me at that moment. She could throw me off balance to help me find it again with a sweet word, a loving look, a feeling that I was doing something worthwhile. This fun could last for a long time, even for the rest of my life. Of course, it would be a very risky game for her. If I got angry, if she overthrew me off balance, things would get really dangerous. If I became calm and out of boredom asked myself the nagging question: how many years have I wasted this way, things would become dangerous. Of course, I could also say that I was the one who let myself be put on the rope, but from her perspective, the probability of a peaceful resolution of the whole matter was close to none, it would be irrational to take that risk. Even if we assume that she would be able to convince me that I am worthless without constant balancing and only with her am I able to mean something, and because of my low value I have no right to hurt her. I know that there are many people who would risk guiding another person to adapt, but I do not believe that they are happy people. Rather, those who themselves believe that they mean nothing without pretending, and want to share their wisdom.

Nejtia won the game of chance when it came to parents, they always cared for her, supported her and loved her along with her various quirks. They asked her to dress nicely out of respect for the occasion, the place, the people, but never for the sake of avoiding conflict, or not standing out. Sometimes they could not explain why they were asking her for something, sometimes they said: “Because it is right”. On the other hand, they allowed her to come to meetings in a coronet of flowers, tumble with boys on the ground – such simple things, and they meant so much. She never had to tell herself that she was good the way she was – her whole body was emersed in this feeling since earliest times, it was deeply rooted in her and served her in every difficult moment. Her parents showing her that the world is beautiful and wonderful, although sometimes difficult, allowed for a truly wonderful body to develop, serving her well.

I wanted her to like me. It seemed to me that she was indifferent, she ignored me. I did things for her, she laughed, but not as widely as I wanted her to. I wanted to become better. The paradox was that I could not become who she wanted to be with, as long as I stubbornly wanted her to want to be with me. I know she wanted me to find my own path, my something that excites me, my own opinions – it was extremely difficult for me. Especially since I was limited by the time spent with my Mentor. He wanted me to be Leito, to love Tamzin, to be a good assassin. My options were limited. I wanted her to understand, to hug me, to let me cry quietly for all the time with my Mentor, and then I would go back to my daily life. She was adamant. She did not want me to live between periods of hard work and relaxation. For her it was not right for me to continue drowning without trying to create a rope for myself in advance, on which I would eventually climb to my own land. Most of the time I was mad for that, which was kind of funny as she never promised me anything, she never hurt me, I never had a reason to be mad that she was not the way I wanted her to be. I do not know if her way was good, or if I would recommend it to anyone – it saved me and I will never stop being grateful for it.

She helped me many times, she tried to unlearn my heart to panic every time someone disliked my words. I said a lot of idiotic stuff and she never wanted me to keep saying them, but she wanted me to choose my words because I wanted to, not because I had to, I was told to. She faced an incredible challenge with me because I could not fully understand my emotions and communicate with them. When I was with my Mentor, I was a really calm, smiling, kind, brilliant boy, but when she wanted me to free myself from my Mentor’s expectations, I often got really unbearable, especially when I was really happy – then I forgot about all the limitations and most often it ended disastrously. A composed, adult capable of writing such elaborate sentences in not all like the child she met. I still feel a little silly when I think about that dumb, angry, aggressive, withdrawn boy. It may sound strange, but I really was more like an animal looking for a woman than a human. I was capable of doing something so horrible that even she did not know how to react and had to look very carefully for a solution. Here again, the metaphor of balancing comes to mind, although for some reason I do not want to use it this time.

“I’m a terrible person…”, I said.

“Please…”, she replied tired. “How do you feel now?”.

“I feel stupid”.

“And what would you like to do?”.

“Apologize to him?”. With each passing year, this answer appeared more and more, it was less and less mouth’s reflex to satisfy her expectations.

“Sounds like a good idea”.

Eventually, I became more and more devoid of emotions with her, but I felt good that way. I did not feel the need to smile, so I did not, and it was good. The only thing that really moved me was the awareness of returning to that world, but I did not want burden her with the unchangeable. I just enjoyed my free time and our time together.

There was something she could not change, even though she helped me a lot. She found out about it when we were still children – she threw me into the water, although I refused to get soaked… I was furious, but at the time all I could was to sat down, wrap my hands around my knees, I did not dare say anything, I gazed at everything with hatred. She played a little more in the river alone and did not bring that up for a long time. Finally, some kind of love sprouted between us… Love with her was very intriguing. Nejtia was almost always rushing somewhere, fascinated by something, or tired and quiet. On each of our outings together, I wanted something different from her – to look at me with a loving gaze… But I could not make her different, I could not make her sit as I wanted her to and look my way… I do not know what I wanted from her… Maybe for her to see through me? She did it a long time ago. If she ever not paid attention, it was because she told me everything she knew would help me and not hurt me, and the only thing left was for me to work on myself. Physical love with her was also exceptional, Nejtia never started with ordinary kisses – she touched my lips with her fingertips, checked what it felt like to touch my cheek with her cold and damp nose, how I would react when I felt her warm breath on my neck, what it was like to whisper in my ear, she touched my skin with a leaf of grass. She could drive me crazy without doing anything strictly sexual. When she exposed my purple arms and thighs, cut for years, I became so vulnerable that even a twitch of her eyebrow would pierce with pain through my heart. She had to be incredibly brave to risk so much.

At that moment, she trusted me a little, she knew that I would not blame her for all my pain, although I wanted to more than once. I have learned that recalling the wonderful things you have experienced with another person helps. Part of the pain, at least the one that wanted to accuse someone of being eternally evil, was coming to terms with the truth that the hated person has good sides. I do not know if I managed to heal completely, but it was enough for me to stop the hate. She knew that I could be grateful for trying to make me accept the fait accompli, even if I never again wanted to be remained and talk about it, which clearly meant my regret was not gone.

“You are beautiful with them, too”. How much I wanted to believe her words.

She refused when I asked her if she would marry me. After my Mentor’s death I kept the name Leito Orbel only to preserve my job as the mercenary of Bakingria Rilie Pristiassi. I did not know why she refused, why she preferred to marry that man, to adapt to his ways. Nejtia almost never explained her choices because she knew that people like me, who wanted to be liked by her, would not understand what she meant – they would try to be the one she wanted to marry, and then they would be disappointed that their efforts were in vain, or they would use her words to try to make her like them, by making her feel guilty. Nejtia was really steadfast, but that did not make her immune to attempts to force negative feelings on her, and that was why she avoided situations and people who might try to do it. Besides, she could not explain her choices quite clearly, and if someone wanted to pick her up on her words instead of helping her express her feelings, something terrible would come out of it. The fact that she answered me then was a sign that she really was ready to risk trusting me. She said that I needed to go somewhere all the time, that I cannot stay home for long and live just an ordinary life – that she could see it in my eyes. She said that Tesa was not a bad person – he lacked self-confidence and he had a lot of insecurities and he easily got hurt, but when push came to shove, she could really rely on him. She will have to stop doing some things so as not to touch those… sensitive topics, but is able to do so. She believed that when a person meets someone who believes in something wonderful, they begins to believe themselves. And that was why she thought Tesa will become more open eventually. And if not, still he was not bad. She wanted a family – that was why she could not wait for a perfect man for eternity, she said that she did not have that much time left before she was no longer able to bear a child and that she had to make a decision. I promised her that whenever I would be home, I would try my best to be a good husband and father. She told me that she wanted someone she to be with her all the time, and not to constantly wait until he returns. I had the impression that for her I simply was not a manly arms to fall into. She did not deny when I told her that…