Chapter 1
“Do you remember the first time you felt it?”
“Felt what?”
“That... kind you don’t understand, but can’t ignore.”
I don’t know where to begin this story, but I know many of you have felt the same long before college life. I felt it too, even earlier than most of you and I am not embarrassed to admit it. These feelings were confusing to me... they make my thoughts in the ways I don’t understand. So I decided to start my story from the moment I believe it should be.
Early 2000′s,Thursday
I sit on the hard last bench in college second year of Engineering and all waiting for the math teacher. The class leader comes and says that Ma’am will be fifteen minutes late. The voices rise and the guy next to me pulls out a book from his bag and pushes it to me, and he flips it open. My eyes drop on the colour photo of a girl lying on a bed, naked and her legs parted a little. I try to look away, but my eyes fixed on her smooth, shiny skin and her round boobs. My breath catches as I keep staring at her shining shaved skin between her thighs.
He whispers in my ears, “She is ready for someone...” my eyes fixed on her hard erect nipples.
I turn my head away to control myself as my heart beats faster. Even though I have the urge to see it, I stop myself from looking.
He leans closer and whispers in my ear, “If you don’t look, I will throw it to the girls’ side and say it’s yours.”
I force myself to look at it again.
Then he asks, “If you got a girl like this, wouldn’t you fuck her?”
I shake my head, saying. “It’s wrong. Before marriage...”
He laughs. “It’s a wrong if you force a girl. If she wants it, there’s nothing wrong.”
“But...” I try to explain him, he cuts me off.
“It’s not wrong it. Wrong is when you force a girl. Just admiring her...”
I look at him, “Please. I’m not comfortable.” I want to pretend to be a good boy. The other boy beside him listening to us, leans closer to me.
“Hey, Videos are better than pictures. The net café near your home, they have hundreds of color videos in drive. Can we go...”
Before he finishes, the math teacher walks in and he pulls the book and puts it under the desk.
That night, my mind keeps slipping over the image on the book. I wake up in the middle of sleep, as the images are slipping in my dreams and my heart is beating fast. I have felt it before most of the time, it comes slowly and I control it. I grown up believing I should control my thoughts and actions, as sex is like taboo and sin. I masturbate two or three times a month as I can’t control and I have to.
I have seen sexual things that play on TV’s on nights after 11 PM, the Hot Songs, the English channels. I have a separate TV in my bedroom, the Old B/W TV, I used to watch it on mute. The new colour TV with a remote is in the main hall. The B/W is kept running as it was my grandfather’s first purchase and my dad kept it in his remembrance.
I step under the cold shower. I wrap my hand around my hard cock and stroke it fast and roughly. Her smile and soft lips fill my mind and my strokes turn desperate, my breath comes out in short gasps. Thick ropes of cum shoot out, splattering messily against the tiled wall. The water washes the sticky trails down from my hand. My shoulders drop, my chest rises and falls slower, while my mind stays fixed on the thoughts.
The next morning, I wake up but the thoughts are still in my mind. I cannot push them away and about the video in netcafe he said, in echos. I have never seen sexual things in colour and the coloured picture is tempting me to see it. I go to my shelf where I keep money that I saved from my pocket money. I look at the cash in hand, feel confused and guilty, but the thoughts force me to take it, and I put it in my wallet.
After college, I go to a net café and ask for a cabin. I have come here before but only for photocopies, downloading forms or checking my marks. This is the first time I sit alone in a cabin. My fingers tap on the mouse lightly as I stare at the screen. I search for the shared drive but it asks for a password. My hand freezes on the mouse. I glance at the door, then back at the screen, swallowing hard. The cabin door opens, suddenly.
A guy steps in and says he left his purse inside. He takes it from the CPU under the table and he notices my screen with the password prompt. He smiles and leans closer to my ear.
“Drive videos are useless,” He opens a site and says, “This one is better.” He smiles at me again and says, “Enjoy,” and he leaves.
The page shows many video images, thinking which one to choose. Feeling confused, I shake the mouse randomly and click the one, under the pointer where it stopped. The video plays, I see a mid-aged man writing in a notepad in a room. The room had books on shelves, soft yellow lamp. Then a girl steps in, opening the door, and she looks young and her long dark hair frames her face, she is in her short black skirt and white blouse that’s tight to her body. She closes the door and he keeps writing. She walks closer, right beside his chair and he lifts his head. Putting his pen down, he rotated his chair to her.
She steps between his knees, and she leans down, and she kisses him, and their kiss becomes deeper. I see their mouths open and tongues touching. His hands slide under her blouse, lifting it and his palms cover her boobs. She starts unbuttoning his shirt and his chest shows some hair. Her fingers reach his belt and undo it, then she pulls his zipper down. He lifts his hips a little for her to pulls his pants and boxers down. His cock is already hard, thick and standing straight.
She wraps her palm around his cock, and she strokes it up and down, making him lean back, his one hand reaches for her hair. She then leans to kiss the tip of his and her tongue circles around it and she finally takes it into her mouth. Her mouth reaches his bottom as she sucks his. Now I feel my cock becoming harder. She moves her head up and down, making his hand tighten on her hair and his hips pushing into her mouth.
She continues taking him more and her drool leaks from the corners of her mouth, and her happy, dirty look hits me. My cock is pulsing so hard inside my pants. I try to sit still and breath slowly, but my left palm rubs between my thighs. My hips shift on their own, grinding against my palm. Her half-closed eyes stare straight ahead as she sucks. I press hard on my pants. My whole body shakes, and I close my eyes tightly. I grip the edge of the table hard and warm cum shoots inside my pants and I feel it spreads inside, soaking inside. My legs tremble as I keep coming.
I slowly open my eyes, taking a long breath, and she is naked now, and she is sitting on her top and her hips move in circles. His hands hold her boobs and squeeze them. Her eyes are foggy and it feels like she’s staring at me and I feel like she grinds down on me. My cock twitches again inside my wet pants and I can’t stop watching her. I glance down at my pants—the dark wet patch makes my stomach tighten. I grab the water bottle from my bag and pour from my mouth to look like water spilt accidentally. I rub it quickly to match the shape.
I click the browser to shut and strode to the counter, handed her money, she glances me down on my pants and then she looks up at me with her raised eyebrows, but I just shrug off. I reach home and head to the bathroom to freshen up, still thinking about the video and I masturbate again.
At dinner, Dad asks, looking at me, “You look tired.”
I looked at him “I’m fine. May be just college tiredness.” Then I add, “I had a headache this afternoon. That might be...”
He nods and I think he believes me. After dinner, I spend some time in front of the TV with my parents, then I move to bed. I lie there and try to sleep, but the video keeps replaying in my mind. I lose control once again and I go to the bathroom and do it again. I feel guilty thinking about the day—Friday, the day eating non-veg is banned in my home, and now I think I have masturbated three times... no, four times if I count early morning because of that book and three times now. For the first time, I feel that this feeling is something bigger than I believed before.
