Can anyone tell him?

My uni life had just begun. It was a beginning of a new and very significant phase of my life so I was excited as well as nervous. New place, new people and this strange pressure of starting over again but still, it somehow felt more like freedom… freedom from the four walls of my room where I had spent the previous year taking online classes, buried into books and trying to cope up with the mock test results.

Before the classes officially started, we were segregated into different batches according to our majors and each batch had further sub groups. New whatsapp groups were formed and texts flooded in the chats that was when this guy, Vaibhav, was elected as our Group representative. Naturally, his number was everywhere, sharing our schedules, pdfs etc.. After the first class, I met him to introduce myself and get to know him as well.

That was when I saw “him” for first time. Dev. He was standing beside Vaibhav.

Confident and handsome indeed, but I didn’t notice him much. I mostly chatted with Vaibhav.. about our course, his high school life and coaching classes back there in his city. He told me he had scored around 97 percentile the previous year but after his drop year , his grades dropped to 86 and here he was, in my university after his drop year that was supposed to take him somewhere else.. And I could somewhere relate to his story. I had faced the same situation, just that my grades improved since the last year and that too by a decent number, thankfully.. but it was still not where I had initially aspired to be.

“I also used to be a topper once”, I was still lost into my thoughts and memories when he said it casually like it didn’t matter anymore. He somewhat sounded like he had made peace with disappointing himself but maybe so did I.

“And so was Dev”, Vaibhav continued, his voice was somewhat sad, his mind exhausted or maybe burned out after years of coaching and preparing for competitive exams.

After that day, we didn’t talk much. We had classes and a packed schedule and our own separate routines, our own very different friend circle and yeah.. some failed plans for mass bunks.

Until one day when he randomly called me, “Hey Anaya…Dev this side”, he said in his deep voice.

I stood still for a second, I had never expected his call and then,

“uh..yeah, I had your number saved here”, I said.

“I am not going to tomorrow’s class, so…can you please mark my attendance?”, his voice always had that sort of convincing power but I still managed to refuse.

Proxy? Me? No way, I had always been the “follow the rules” type. But yet, On the very next day, I was there in class, sitting and practicing his signatures.

Yes, I did it, for him, for Dev. And somehow, an year later, I am still doing it.

Can anyone tell him ? that he was the first one for whom I marked a proxy, breaking not only the university rules but my own principles.

And slowly, it became our routine. He would text me his roll no. and I would mark his attendance. Just attendance. No small talks, no chats, no “how are you?”. Somewhere deep down I wanted him to talk to me casually for just once. Not for attendance, just random chats. But he never did.

And then, finally one day I asked him after chemistry lab “Are you literally using me for your attendance?”, I said half-jokingly and he just denied it, casually smiling or maybe having a teasing smirk.

I expected him to say “No..you are my friend” but he didn’t. Of course, Why would he? I was not his friend. He probably wouldn’t have talked to me if it was not for his attendance. I was just some boring, studious girl for a cool, confident guy like him.

So, I stopped marking his proxies and also, stopped expecting.

Soon, he found someone else, for marking his attendance which I didn’t like much and worse, it was my best friend. I acted like it didn’t matter..he was just some random boy getting his attendance marked, right? I convinced myself and indulged in assignments, lectures, club work and kept myself busy.

One day, I was walking out of the canteen towards the sitting area, my headphones around my neck and a cup of latte in my hand, caramel latte, to be precise, one of my favourites.. anyways, so while walking, I saw him, Dev sitting with a girl, maybe she was from our batch, I didn’t know her personally but she was pretty and they looked good together.

He noticed me, we made eye contact and I froze at my spot, I thought about walking upto them and saying hi or maybe even join them if they were comfortable. Then it clicked me, “What if she is his girlfriend? Or what if I just didn’t belong there”, I didn’t want to interrupt them. I shouldn’t. So, I didn’t..

I turned away and sat somewhere else, putting my headphones on and sipping on my latte, that I usually did as an introvert. I finished my coffee, too a last glance at him before walking into the library and starting my assignment. Even after that, I felt somewhat restless.

“What I did.. was it rude?”, I thought, “He might think I ignored him, when all wanted was to avoid disturbing them or maybe becoming the third wheel”, (sigh)

okay, lemme just text him.

“Hey”

“I didn’t mean to ignore you, I just”,  I typed then deleted it…

“Why the hell do I need to explain it to him? Does it even matter what he thinks of me?” I thought. Maybe It had started to matter. I was lost in my thoughts and confused about what to type when suddenly a notification came on my phone…

“Hi, What was that? ”

“Why didn’t you join us?”

“I thought you were…I mean…you were with her so…”, I texted back.

“So?”

“So, I didn’t want to disturb you both.”

“ohh, it was nothing like that, you could have come and joined us”. He said casually. So, Is she not his girlfriend then?

“Maybe next time..”, and then I realised, it was not that easy for me to walk upto him and chat with or join him. And it was not because I was socially anxious. It was just about him. Just because of him.

He probably forgot most of our conversations, while I replayed almost all of them.

Can anyone tell him that?