The Widow

My heart had a slow beat, as if not knowing if I should live or die. I looked in the large mirror of the small family room of the cathedral church, as I put in the diamond stud earrings in my ear lobes.

Here, I got you these earrings to say I’m sorry… I promise I’ll do better to control my temper. You just need to-…

“Elena… Elena!” my mother called out, snapping me out of my memories.

“Mija, are you ready?” she asked, smoothing the lapels of her own dark coat. “We don’t want our guests waiting, ok?”

“Right. Sorry, Mom, I’m just...”

“I know, my love.” She stepped up behind me, placing a comforting hand on my arms. “He was a good man to you. Let’s honor him by not being tardy, okay? Vámonos.”

A good man, sure. Right, no one will appreciate tardiness, not even for a widow.

Let’s just get this over with.

I took one last look at her appearance, I smoothed out my long high neck black dress. There was careful consideration to her attire, it wasn’t fitted but with my body type it loosely hugged my hips and my chest, flowing nicely around my legs and with a high neck and long sleeves, I maintained my modesty.

You act like you can’t buy anything for yourself, just get it.

It was almost like a wedding dress. It was slightly longer in the back like a train, dragging as I walked down the hall with my mother.

You’re going to trip, you are way to fucking clumsy for that fucking dress.

Shut up.

Father Sean greeted us at the heavy sanctuary doors, the sanctuary behind him starting to murmur with the arrival of early guests. He took my hands, his warm palms contrasting against my ice-cold fingers. His eyes searched mine with genuine concern.

“Take a deep breath, Elena,” he murmured. “If at any time you feel overwhelmed, just give me a nod. I’ll come rescue you from any conversation you don’t wish to be in.”

Before I could answer, my mother intervened, her spine stiffening. “Oh Father, thank you, but that won’t be necessary. My daughter is strong.”

I suppressed a sigh. She was a proud woman, always hyper-aware of how our family looked to the community.

Father Sean didn’t break eye contact with me, but he directed a stern, knowing look toward my mother. “And an even stronger woman asks for help when she needs it.”

The authority in his tone made her submit with a quiet nod. “Sí, Padre.”

“Thank you, Father. I will,” I said sweetly.

I genuinely liked him. Every time I had sat in his dim confessional booth over the last few years, I knew he could sense the vines of secrets I was holding back. But he had never pressed me. He had only listened to my carefully sanitized confessions, offering a gentle absolution that never quite touched the real rot inside my house.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been a week since my last confession... Elena, like I have told you, you are a dutiful wife. It is not you I should be seeing in this box.

The heavy wooden doors groaned open, and the volume of the crowd swelled, spilling into the foyer. The sun blinding and the smell of fall and a brisk, October wind filled my senses. The performance had officially begun. I forced my back to straighten, casting my eyes downward to match the heavy veil of public tragedy.

The line formed instantly. First up was Paul, a local contractor. “Elena Sterling, I am so sorry for your loss, if there is anything I can do around the house now that you don’t have a man to help you,” He handed me a business card. “Please call me for any plumbing issues, your husband and I worked well together, he will be missed.” “Thank you Paul, I appreciate your kind words.” I watched as the old man walked towards the pews, he wore his darkest blue suit, he worked with my husband for decades and he still couldn’t get over penny pinching enough to buy a black suit.

Not that I really give a shit.

Contractors, plumbers, fellow real estate agents, and other public officials showed, expressing their gratitude for my husband’s hard work and how much he cared for this town.

As I greeted each person with the warmest smile I can muster, I caught a glimpse of a woman leaning against a tree smoking a cigarette. Sigh. “I didn’t actually think she would come.” I muttered to myself. His sister was 20 years older than him, and basically raised him when their mom was working.

I don’t know why I am how I am ask my fucking sister! She likes to take credit that she raised me.

It’s a chilly, October day, my fingers and toes began to stiffen and I was starting to get cold.

You’re so weak, why didn’t you get a sweater, use your head..

“Hey El.” my best friend, Cat. Beautiful, tall blonde and hopelessly in love with her boyfriend, Bryan. “Can I steal you for a second?” She whispered in my ear as she gave me a hug. I sighed with relief. “Yes. Please come on, follow me.” Before I led her back to the small family room at the back of the church. I turned to the crowd. “Excuse me everyone, please find a seat. I need a small break, I’m sure you all understand.”

A few small, sad nods and I walked away with Cat behind my heels. I closed the door behind me and she hurriedly took a suspiciously large hair brush from her hand bag.

“Geez, Cat are you kidding! We are not teenagers anymore and at a church?” I smiled with an incredulous look.

“Oh stop, you act like you’re not the one that bought me this, shut up and find some communion cups, Father Sean won’t mind.” I stifled a laugh as I rummaged through the cabinets and drawers. Cat uncapped the end of the brush. I found some cups in a cabinet near the stained glass window and quickly walked back towards her. “What do you have in there anyway?” I asked with a smile.

“Wine!...duhh.” Cat said while pouring me a shot from a hair brush/ flask, worked marvelously as both.

“Thank you…” I started. She poured herself one as I looked at her tired pale little face. “No. Seriously Cat. Thank you for everything you have helped me with these last few weeks. It’s been a lot and I wouldn’t have been able to survive this without you” I looked into her eyes, full of worry.

“Elena, I’m your ride or die.” Cat smiled at me, “ How are you by the way?.... And don’t bullshit me, either Elena.” I smiled meekly looking down at my cup as she poured me another one. “Fine.. I mean…” I hesitated.

“I just can’t wait till this is over, you know.”

“I get that, this will be the longest day of your life.” Cat gave me a small smile.

Even in death, he gives me long stressful days.

We gossiped about the guests and their.. interesting personalities. Drinking from her hairbrush for about 5 minutes until there was a knock on the door.

“Shit, hurry, hide the cups, I’ll put the cap back on.” Cat put the cap back on the ‘hair brush’ what little was left sloshed inside and she stuffed it back in her bag.

“Who is it?” I said while I grabbed the cups throwing them in a nearby bin and letting Cat spray breath mint in my mouth, then hers.

“Mija, it’s me Dad. Coming to check on you honey. Are you okay?” Hearing my Dad’s voice, tears prickled my eyes. Cat looked up at me and mouthed. You okay? I nodded. She opened the door and gave my dad a small smile.

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t know Cat was here, how are you sweetheart?” Dad said relieved to find me not alone.

“I’m good Pops, how are you?” Cat asked, teasingly. “Well, ready to get out of this suit.” Dad said with a tug of his collar.“You look good though, I’m sure Mrs. Ramos had fun dressing you up.”

“Ha.. you know my wife.” Dad said, smiling and putting his hands in his pockets as he walked towards me.

“I let you two talk and see where Mrs. Sterling is.” Cat looked back at me “Let me know if you need anything to drink, okay?” She winked and closed the door behind her as she left. As soon as the door closed, Dad brought me in for a hug, and we stood there like that as I felt his heart beat steading mine. I took a deep breath, smelling the coffee and sweet bread I’m sure he ate behind moms back.

Tears threatened, words bubbled at the back of my throat.

Dad, I just wanted to get out of this dress and just…drive. Gently, he pulled back, watching my face. His own eyes, tears threatened to escape.

“Dad, I don’t know if I can speak in front of these people. No one knows him like I do.” I said in a whisper, any louder and I will begin to cry.

There you go crying again, God! You’re so emotional.

“You can do anything! With God’s help.” Dad then rubs my hands. “Psalm 56:8, He keeps track of all your sorrows… and collects all your tears in your bottle.” He wipes a tear off my cheek as I stare at my shoes. “He has recorded each one in your book.” I wonder how much of my book is filled with tears, and if God truly saw my anguish, why did he let this man into my life? “Thank you Dad, I need to close this chapter of my life. This will be the last duty as his wife I will do.” I looked back up at him, masking my emotion of pure hatred. Dad searched my face, as if looking for answers to questions he is unsure to ask. “Okay, I love you Elena, always.” he said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. “Love you, too.” “Oh, one more thing, honey... umm. The police and the detective are here,” he said carefully, his voice dropping as if he didn’t want the walls to hear.

“What?” I glanced instinctively toward the windows, forgetting for a split second that I couldn’t see through the thick, colorful stained glass. “Why are they here?” I asked, my voice rising in exasperation. I hugged myself tighter, my arms locking across my chest as the memory of that cold interrogation room rushed back to suffocate me.

“Try to calm your body,” he sighed. “ I spoke with them, they are here to just observe. They believe they could obtain some more information on the people that knew him, that’s all. Try not to pay them any attention, okay? The day is almost over” With that he closed the door behind him.

Where were you the night your husband died?

I was at home.

Is there anyone that can corroborate your story?

No.

It was a car accident. I don’t understand why they are still investigating. It’s supposed to be an open and shut case. It was a car accident. James had run off the road on a rainy night. It was supposed to be an open-and-shut case. I didn’t understand why they were still investigating, or why Detective Vance looked at me like he was just waiting for me to trip over my own lies. After finding my computer and my voice recorder they had more than enough evidence as to why I would kill him. He knew the monster James was behind closed doors. He knew that out of everyone in this town, I had the absolute best motive to want James six feet under.

I paced the floor twirling the 3 carat wedding rings set on my finger. I looked at it brilliantly sparkling under the lights.

How long am I supposed to wear this thing?

A sudden, sharp knock on the door made me jump.

“Mrs. Sterling?” Father Sean’s voice called out softly from the hallway. “It’s time, Elena. They’re ready for you.”

I dropped my hands, took one final breath of the stale, wine-tinted air, and forced my face into the mask of a broken woman.

It was time to go out there and cry for my abuser.