I Can't Love

Hagurasaki High School, located in Yokohama. Spring. The sun shines over the rooftops of the buildings while students enter through the school gates. Some are laughing, others are talking with friends, some girls are waiting for their loved ones, and then, alone, there is Yuto Kanzaki, 16 years old, a second-year high school student. As he passes through the gates, he looks at the people around him and thinks.

Yuto: “I can’t love. When I say those exact words, people think I’m stupid. They tell me I’m just too pessimistic and have too little self-esteem. Some even think I’m crazy… and I understand them.”

He turns his gaze to the left and notices a couple walking hand in hand. He watches them with a distant expression.

“Because for them, love is something so normal, spontaneous, and genuine that they can’t even imagine how someone might not be able to feel it.”

He looks away from the couple and lowers his gaze to the ground, a faint smile appearing on his face—one filled with slight melancholy—as he keeps walking.

“After all, falling in love is something so natural, and it’s beautiful. In fact, I myself love love. I love seeing how two people begin to develop feelings for each other, and when I watch them, I smile, happy.”

Once he enters the school, he heads to his locker. While rummaging through it for his things, the faint smile fades, leaving him with an almost empty expression.

“But if the subject is me, I can’t smile. I can’t be happy.”

He sighs—a tired, resigned sigh.

“When I find myself in a situation where I could fall in love with someone, my heart starts racing, and a void forms in my stomach. And it’s not the same as for those who are actually falling in love. No, because even though they feel that sensation that should normally be unpleasant, they are happy. That feeling is a sign of joy for them… but not for me.”

He closes his locker.

“I don’t feel happiness. I feel fear, anxiety, panic, a sense of responsibility… and I feel worse. Always worse.”

He starts walking through the hallways, searching for his classroom.

“As time went on, I realized that to avoid hurting myself and others, I had to close the doors to love.”

As he walks, he hears girls talking about boys, and boys talking about girls.

“After all, how can someone who even doubts their own feelings ever be loved? I can’t be loved. I don’t deserve it.”

He arrives at his classroom and sits in his usual seat, calmly, with his same empty gaze.

“And so, as a result, I….”

In the teachers’ room, a professor is reading an essay with a somewhat sad expression. It is written by Kanzaki Yuto, and the final words are exactly those:

“I cannot love.”

After classes, Yuto is about to go on lunch break when he is unexpectedly stopped by the teacher.

Professor Yamamoto: “Wait, Kanzaki… do you have a moment? I’d like to talk to you in the teachers’ room.”

His tone is as calm as always; he is a respected teacher, well-liked by everyone.

Yuto replies with his usual calmness, slightly surprised.

Yuto: “Huh?... yes… alright…”

Yuto follows Professor Yamamoto to the teachers’ room. Once there, Yuto sits down, facing the professor, who immediately places Yuto’s essay on the desk. He says calmly with a gentle smile:

Professor Yamamoto: “You know what this is, right… Kanzaki?”

Yuto looks at the essay with awareness.

Yuto: “Yes… it’s my essay…”

The professor then crosses his arms.

Professor Yamamoto: “Tell me, Kanzaki… do you remember what the main point of the essay was?”

Yuto replies calmly and naturally.

Yuto: “Yes… we had to answer the question… ‘What is love to you?’…”

The professor nods and leans slightly toward Yuto, staring into his eyes.

Professor Yamamoto: “I’ll be direct… your essay was selected as the best in the school…”

Yuto is surprised but remains composed.

Yuto: “I see… well… so?”

The professor chuckles slightly at Yuto’s nonchalance and places his hands on the desk.

Professor Yamamoto: “I see that this didn’t shake you much… well, that’s not all.”

Yuto becomes slightly curious, not understanding where the conversation is going.

Professor Yamamoto: “As you may know… romantic relationships between students are not prohibited at this school… and we try to treat love in the best possible way…”

The professor’s expression shifts from calm to something more troubled.

Professor Yamamoto: “However… in the past year… the overall average grades of students have dropped significantly… and this has raised concerns from the student council… and the principal.”

Yuto listens carefully, but still doesn’t understand what this has to do with him.

Yuto: “Professor… excuse me for interrupting… but what does this have to do with me?”

The professor narrows his eyes and studies Yuto closely, leaning back in his chair.

Professor Yamamoto: “Kanzaki… I want to ask you something… if the school banned romantic relationships between students… would you be against it… or for it?”

Without hesitation, Yuto answers:

Yuto: “I would be against it. 100%.”

The professor smiles slightly, surprised by the boy’s certainty.

Professor Yamamoto: “I see…”

He stands up and looks out the classroom window.

Professor Yamamoto: “Kanzaki… the real reason I called you here… is that you have been chosen as the president of the Love Problems Club.”

Yuto is shocked and loses his composure slightly.

Yuto: “What?! Me?! Seriously?! Excuse me, but did you even read my es—”

The professor interrupts him.

Professor Yamamoto: “Kanzaki… your intelligence… your empathy… your sensitivity… are essential to prevent the student council and the principal from banning romantic relationships in this school.”

Yuto widens his eyes, surprised by these words, then composes himself and sighs.

Yuto: “I understand… well, it seems I don’t have another choice.”

The professor smiles, still facing away, and Yuto stands up and says with determination:

Yuto: “I don’t know anything about this club… I don’t know if I deserve to be its president… but there is one thing I absolutely cannot stand…”

The professor turns to look at him, surprised by the determination in the boy’s eyes.

Yuto: “Taking away someone’s freedom and love is an inhuman act. So if I can do anything to prevent that… then I will.”

END OF CHAPTER 1