Akrasia

Finally...

Thought Amelia after taking a puff from the black, pen-shaped vape in her right hand. Time moved agonizingly slow when she had to wait until her lunch period to go to a bathroom stall and smoke. Blueberry-flavored fumes flooded the air with a long exhale and a phone on her left hand served as a filler between hits, her only company being TikTok videos playing through her wireless headphones.

Every swipe was laced with hope that the next short video will fill the void in her heart. The small, short-lived chuckles at funny clips served as a reminder that the artificial euphoria was temporary. Every now and then, she would refresh her messages to see if someone texted her.

No new notifications

Her inner monologue was muted by the random audio playing through hear earbuds, with any doubt drowned out with every inhalation and exhalation of her flavored vapor.

Before she knew it, the bell rang, signaling the end of her happy hour.

[Amelia]: Shit.

With an irritated click of the tongue, she slid her phone and vape into her bag and slung it over her shoulder. Amelia exited the stall and was headed out of the bathroom, until she accidentally got a glimpse of herself in the mirror and stopped in her tracks to face the mirror and take a good look at herself.

Her dark, messy hair was tied into double high ponytails that slither all the way to her shoulders. Uneven bangs framed her face; some brushing her ears, and others covering a left, dark-brown pupil, as if they’re hiding her from the rest of the world, or hiding the world from what remained of herself.

Complementing her hair was an attire equally black: T-shirt, leggings, schoolbag, and black Nike shoes she’s been wearing since the start of this school year, still as pristine as it was since the first day.

Her overstimulated, half-lidded eyes trailed over her smile-less lips. She gazed into her own reflection with a neutral expression.

[Amelia]:....Usually, it takes until the end of the week before I look this fucked up.

Amelia dismissed the thought, turned left and headed out the bathroom, into the hallway. The sounds of people’s chatter and laughter blended together with every listless step she took with her head looking straight ahead and discreetly swayed in different directions. She had already gotten used to overhearing the same types of conversations every day: crushes, scandals and fights. Amelia has ceased to care about anything that didn’t have to do with herself. With the turn of a corner, she spots a familiar figure leaning on one of the lockers to her right, scrolling on their phone, with a leg casually pressing against the wall.

“Took you long enough.”

Said the girl without taking her eyes off the screen. She wore a black cap, with a band’s logo on it, over hip-length brown hair that tumbled in uneven waves, few strands jabbing out here and there like careless little spikes. She wore a band shirt under her dark biker jacket, dark jeans and a small, perpetual smirk on her face every time she spoke. Amelia’s eyes locked onto the girl’s.

[Amelia]: “Sophia.”

Amelia walked towards her and mustered up enough energy for the incoming interaction. Sophia slid her phone in her pocket.

[Sophia]: “New batch arrived, with your favorite blueberry~”

“Got the cash on ya?”

Amelia reaches her pocket and freezes for a split second, a slight look of shock on her face slowly returned to a neutral state.

[Amelia]: “Fuck.”

[Sophia]: whistles “A client that forgetting their money? That’s a first for me.”

Amelia reprimands herself for being so careless because her current vape’s almost empty.

[Amelia]: “Nevermind... I’ll get the money tomorrow. Keep it.”

Right before Amelia was about to continue walking, Sophia’s eyes snapped right and left before she extended her hand and placed a black vape pen on Amelia’s hand.

[Sophia]: “Keep it.”

Invisible bewilderment could be seen in Amelia’s eyes.

[Sophia]: “You may have been one of the most cynical bitches I’ve known before you left the pack, but I know you’re no thief. Pay me tomorrow.”

[Amelia]:“...Yeah, yeah. Fuck you too.”

Amelia slowly discreetly hid the vape in her pocket, relieved and grateful at the gesture. Amelia kept her head down, almost out of guilt, as they stood in momentary, nostalgic silence.

[Sophia]: “Y’know... It’s not the same without you, Am. Their laughter’s dimmed ever-so-slightly, gossip’s gone tame and repetitive, even I’m getting sick of smoking with the rest of them.”

Sophia kicks her leg off the locker. She stood tall and aloof, her bronze eyes scrutinizing Amelia’s eyes that almost appeared slightly grey under the fluorescence of overhead lights. Sophia’s smirk turned into a half-smile.

[Sophia]: “It’s not the same anymore... You’re not the same anymore. Since the start of this year, you’ve withdrawn yourself from the rest of us.”

[Amelia]: “I thought I already made myself clear. I’m not vaping with anyone.”

[Sophia]: “Give me an explanation.”

The hint of concern in her tone made Amelia speechless for a moment. Sophia’s smile disappeared, leaving a neutral, detached gaze.

[Sophia]: “You’re free to fuck around however, whenever, wherever you’d like, but the other girls won’t take a simple ‘no’ as an answer. So tell something convincing so I can get them to shut up about you.”

[Amelia]: “I just got sick of the thick cloud that forms from all the puffs, not to mention being an unwilling audience to the stupid arguments they get into. Can’t I smoke in peace?”

[Sophia]: “Are you in peace?”

[Amelia]: “...Why the fuck do you care? I still buy from you, so what’s it TO you?”

[Sophia]: “Speaking of which, you’re buying more frequently. Not to mention... Ava told me that you haven’t said a word to her in weeks.”

[Amelia]: of course that social reject would notice, I’m the only one in class that speaks to her....

[Amelia}: “I’ve been busy.”

They stood in silence as Sophia let out a sigh of defeat, scratching her forehead.

[Sophia]: “...Fine. I’ll let them know that you can’t breathe when the smoke cloud thickens.”

[Amelia]: “...”

[Sophia}: “Bye.”

Sophia walked past her, heading to her own class. Amelia does the same after she opened her phone to see any new notifications:

No new notifications

She slid her phone in her pocket and kept walking.

[Amelia]: I don’t even know if I felt better before. I’ve been feeling progressively shittier as the days went by... Vaping alone simply made it easier for me to forget about it by being able to take a puff without waiting for my turn... and without hearing someone else’s voice... Sure, it was fun with everyone else, but it was just that: fun... Detached, surface-level, meaningless ecstasy.... I didn’t particularly feel any sense of genuine connection with the rest of you and if I’m coming back ONLY because of the vape... then I’ll just do it alone... I’m so fucking sick of being performative....

Amelia apathetically opened the door to the classroom.

[Amelia]: Chemistry class... Not that the subject matters to me anymore. They’ve all started to feel the same.

She took her usual seat at the very back of the class, placed her laptop and books on the table and hoped that the time will go by faster than it already does.

Her next classes went by in the same fashion: bouts of phone scrolling, sleeping, overhearing insults directed at her and paying attention to complete the online assignments comfortably. Seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours, dread ripped her apart from within as she waited for the final bell. Eventually, it echoed throughout the entire school. Amelia shoved her books and laptop inside her bag and dashed to the door.

[Amelia]: About fucking time. To hell with this place... and with everyone here.

She left the school building and got in the bus. She liked to sit in the middle; away from the talkative ones at the front while avoiding the loud mingling at the back of the bus. Amelia hastily put on her headphones and played music loud enough to drown out the unwanted ambience. She pressed her elbow on the window armrest, her chin resting on palm and for the rest of the ride and looked out the window, a scenery she has seen hundreds of times already.

She had always relied on music to shut her mind up, but is starting to slowly get nauseous from how reliant she is on music being background noise for whatever she does. This time, one elusive thought has made it past the cognitive barrier of music.

[Amelia]: Am I satisfied with my life?

Amelia grew tense, quickly nodding the question away as if flushing it out of her mind and turned up the volume of her music. But before she was able to forget about it, the bus came to a stop at her home, a two-story white villa.

[Amelia]: Fuck.

Amelia got up and went out of the bus, heading to the door.

[Amelia]: Here we go. Just act natural. Act natural. Be normal. Until I get to my room. God, I really need a fucking hit now.

Amelia wore a small smile on her face, a mask to keep others from questioning beyond what lies on the surface. She gathered enough energy to sound enthusiastic and opened the door.

[Amelia]: “I’m home!”

Amelia’s greeting was met with silence. Amelia scoffs, her face warping back to its usual listless gaze.

[Amelia]: “Of course no one’s fucking home. It’s almost 4′O’Clock”

Amelia heads upstairs and into her room, closing the door behind her.

Her bed sat at the far-right corner, next to it was shelf full of figures from various shows and movies. By the shelf was a desk that roofed a gaming PC that shined with various hues of red, green and blue like her keyboard and mouse. She threw her schoolbag by the desk chair, her phone by the side of the pillow, then crashed on her bed, scrunching into a fetal position.

[Amelia]: Tired... So. Fucking. Tired. It’s so fucking unfair. I endure an entire school-day and now the only thing I can do is lay like a lifeless corpse till the next one. Every day feels like a generic copy of yesterday.

She picks up her phone to check her notifications.

No new notifications.

She closed it thew it back where it was.

[Amelia]: Why the fuck am I even checking? No one messages me besides mom and dad. Not after...

She turns over, cutting off the trail of thought, sinking deeper into the pillow and getting more comfortable.

[Amelia]: ‘Oh I don’t know, Amelia. Maybe if you weren’t such a crippling addict you’d actually feel like a person!’ Oh shut the fuck up. I know what’s bad for me, I tried to quit. I just... can’t. I tried many times. And since then, stopped trying. I need... I need a hit...

She hesitantly reaches for the vape in her left pocket, her hands trembling as they get closer to her mouth. Before it touches her lips, she moved her right hand and grabbed her left wrist, pushing it away.

[Amelia]: I don’t want to.... I don’t want to.... I don’t want to.... Please don’t make me do it again.... God, if this addiction was part of your plan... Then please lift this curse off me.... I just want to be..... be a g-good... daughter.... t-to mom a-and... dad.....

Tears streamed down Amelia’s face. The girl quivered with fear and hopelessness as she bawled on her pillow.

[Amelia]: I-I don’t... want to exist anymore.... i-if I’m fated to live such a wasteful existence.... then why was I born?

Without warning, she folded herself, knees to her chest, staring at nothing meaningful in particular and tears flowed like an endless river. Nasal breathing proved difficult with every sniffle and her eyes had become puffy and pink. Her left hand tried reaching the vape as if it had a mind of its own. Amelia resisted and her sobs became harder at the thought that it’s hopeless to delay the inevitable.

After what felt like half an hour, she opened her phone and started scrolling, looking for something, anything that can help. She searched up ways to quit nicotine addiction, all the links were already visited before. The articles were a mix of anecdotes and psychological facts. She closed her phone.

[Amelia]: I tried before.... What difference would it make now? The more I try and fail, the more I prove that it’s inescapable...... I guess at one point I..... stopped.... trying.....

She deeply inhales the vape, filling her lungs with an all-so-familiar blueberry flavor. All her doubts dimmed and downplayed with an out-breath aimed at her mattress, filling her bed with the smell of artificial blueberry.

[Amelia]: .....Yeah....Now I remember..... I stopped smoking with the others because I initially wanted to quit......but being alone allows me to smoke on my own terms..... As long as I want... Wherever I want... Hah... I guess they were never my friends if a habit brought us together in the first place...... Fuck my life.

She takes another deep hit and stares at the ceiling, her mind wandering towards random childhood memories. Her high was short-lived, but exhaustion weighed heavy on her body due to the emotional outburst and rumination occupied her mind. 30 minutes have passed... Maybe an hour.... Amelia’s sense of time had been warped in this moment, and eventually drifted off to dreamless sleep.