The Male Gaze
Dear readers,
There is a word called fortune!
No matter how hard I try to avoid the discomfort, somehow it paves its way and comes to me. I really hope I will be able to express my current feelings. Just the idea of sitting in a train in the general boggie, crowded with men and nothing but a mobile screen for a woman to see. Why? Because I don't want to see the people around me eating tobacco.The smell is enough to disgust me. Already I was feeling bad as my exam didn't go well and I have not written anything for the research paper which I have to submit in literally two days. Then, there was eternal waiting for the train in the scorching heat. I had an exam 700+ km away from my home-in Grahim. Already I don't feel good about travelling anywhere and the idea of trains keeps my sleep away. But, I decided to do it somehow, and appear for this exam. Actually Vanya convinced me. So, I thought let's go in Surat Bharat from Dhari, which is a luxury train for me of course. And I decided to come back in a sleeper coach train. A perfect plan. And the journey began with ease and I was feeling okay which is euphoria(my happiness radar is really limited) in my case. I gave the exam which went really bad and I was feeling sorry for Tarun and my personal feeling of loathing myself came back. And then that sleeper train really slept I guess; as it was late for more than half an hour and still was waiting for God knows what outside the station. So, when Tarun suggested, 'There's a train there. And it is also going to our station. Looks like its general compartment is empty as well. Should we go by that train? That way we can go home faster. This train of ours is going to take much longer time to come. I agreed because of obvious reasons- I wanted to compensate (in some bizarre way) for my bad exam, and I knew our train will be one or two hours late.
We came to the other platform and entered the train. It was really empty (as in general, there is not enough space for people to sit in a coach like this). On one seat there were one or two people, BUT ALL MEN! I couldn't say to Tarun that I didn't want to be in that coach. But his emotional intelligence and sense of responsibility is excellent. He himself did not stop anywhere in that coach and kept on moving. In another coach, in one seat I saw one woman....and I am sitting here. A man is eating a samosa as he cleans the seat with his scarf (gamcha) roughly. I am seeing this through the corner of my eye as I am watching my phone. And yuckkkk!!!
When will I reach home?
O my god! Only ten minutes have passed.
P. S: Tarun checked other train compartments and it was emptier with a few men sitting or sleeping. He thought it was better to be seated in the coach where we were sitting already.
