Prologue
*Trigger Warning: Chapter contains depictions of sexual assault, familial abuse, PTSD, nightmares, self-harm, and graphic violence.
Please read with care.
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Toronto, Ontario - 1 year ago
I bit my lip, trying to focus my mind. Is this it? Is this all my life is going to amount to?
I let out a shaking laugh, tears threatening to fall, though I pushed it down.
Get it together, Jenni. You're fine. This is nothing. You'll get through this.
I mentally pep-talked myself as I'd done countless times. With nails digging into the palm of my hand, I shook off whatever sadness I'd started to feel; the pain of nails sticking into skin giving me a reprieve from emotions I had no interest in dealing with.
"That's right. It'll soon be over." With that, I closed my laptop and curled up on my bed, letting the seduction of sleep sweep me off into a realm where the struggles I face are non-existent.
The last thought on my mind as I'm pulled under the haze: When will it all just end?
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_3 years ago_
"What are you doing? Please... stop, I don't want this!" I choked out with tears running down my face. How did I land in this situation?
His hands gripped my arms forcefully as he kissed down my neck, my stomach revolting at the abominable touch. An act that should never have been thought of, let alone brought to reality, but yet here I was, trapped in a bruising hold, trying to fight off the forceful advancements of the one who was supposed to protect me from harm rather than harm me.
He still didn't budge as I tried to shove and kick him away but gripped my arm tighter, a sharp pain spreading through my left arm as he tugged me closer.
"Aahhhh!! Stop, let me go!" I cried out.
"Shut up, you bitch; I own you, don't you know that?" He threw me onto the table, the back of my head banging against the edge.
"Aghhh" I clutched my head from the searing pain. At that moment, I felt one of his hands slip under my shirt and squeeze my breast while his other hand tried to unbutton my pants.
"You're mine, babe. Just let me touch you. I promise I'll make you feel good, my princess... After all, I've been taking care of you almost all your life, haven't I? Let me have this as repayment for what I've done for you and the little ones." He said as he nuzzled his nose on my neck.
"Never!" Panicking, I kicked out, hitting him in the stomach. I was thankful he had a stomach illness as I saw him fall onto the dining stool, holding his hands over the area. Using the moment to my advantage, I ran into the kitchen, remembering the front door was locked.
Getting out through the back door was my only hope, but just as my hand landed on the doorknob, I felt my hair being yanked back. I crashed to the floor sobbing, "Please stop, I beg you. Please don't do this."
The eyes that stared back at me were unrecognizable, the face of the man I knew and looked up to for the sixteen years I have existed contorted into a cruel smile, one I never imagined could grace his features, but this only made me sob harder. "DAD" I pleaded in a whisper.
"Shushhhh. It's alright, baby," he cooed as he bent down and brushed my hair away from my frightened eyes that had gone red from crying.
"I'll make sure it's as painless as possible. You'll like it." The way he said those words in a soft tone as if to comfort me made my skin crawl, and my heart beat out of my chest from the realization that he was really not going to stop.
Is this really going to happen? This is it, isn't it? I started to shake my head violently when he began to unbutton his pants. Right then, my flight mode kicked in, I scurried backwards on the kitchen floor, wanting to get as far away as possible from the man I called my dad.
Clocking what I was doing, he quickly reached over and grabbed my ankles, stopping me from getting further away from him. With what little strength I had as a slender sixteen-year-old, I put up as much of a fight as I could. Thrashing on the ground, I threw hands and feet at him, trying to hit anywhere I could.
"Leave me alone, you sicko!!!!" In the heat of the moment I heard it before I could even register the pain, my head snapped to the side from the impact of the slap that just landed on my cheek. Hands gripped my hair to pull me into a somewhat seated position.
"Listen here, you brat, you better stop putting up a fight, or I will beat you to death, you hear? Do you want that? Think about your mother and siblings. Do you want their lives being destroyed because you chose to die over them? HUH?" He forcefully turned my head to make me look him in the eye.
"Be a good girl and stay still. Let me do what I want, and then you can go home." I jerked my head away to focus my eyes on the ground, no longer wanting to see his face, and in an instant, my sight caught on a shiny silver object. It must have fallen off the counter when he pulled my hair the first time. A million thoughts ran through my head while staring at the knife, but I zoned back in just in time to hear his final words "...and I won't have to go after your precious family and kill them too." He smiled and brought his lips to my neck.
Probably anticipating my next move to fight back, he wrapped his hand around my neck, choking me as he reached to zip my pants down.
"Let me go!" While fighting to claw his hand off my throat, I felt his hand slip into my pants. Terror trembled through me right then, with tears stinging my eyes. I caught sight of the metal under the stool not far away. My mind replayed the word he said: KILL. As I felt him touch me, my mind still not processing what was happening, I swiftly grabbed the knife.
"Let me go, you fucker!!!" and jabbed it into his side with all the force I could muster. He let out a scream and crumpled to the floor while clutching the wound. Not waiting another second to see if he had gotten up, I ran to the back door and yanked it open. Running at a speed that I never had before, I didn't stop till I reached the police station. Just as I entered the station, the last thing I remember was an officer asking what was wrong, and then I lost consciousness, slipping into pitch darkness...
