Early Beginnings.
The day felt monotonous and jarring. Too hot to enjoy, as the summer rays sizzled through every citizen of SydneyVille.
The sense of dread already filling Caju as he adjusted his brain to the 'back to school' routine awaiting him.
It was only the first day of Caju's second year at Sydney college, -The demanding institute he attended, A private school with only black kids and a few indians. New faces popped up left and right, but none of them caught his attention, being so that they all fit right in to the generic nature of school kids he condemned so passionately. Caju backed away from his new classmates and found happiness in his own company. A typical choice of action for him, other people were far too shallow minded, and lacked his scrutiny of thought.
Math class bashed him with logarithmic substituition; then physics class followed with a projectile motion finale; then ultimately, accounting stormed on him with double sheet ledgers and trial balancing. Caju was struck hard by the straight to business motto Sydney College operated by which he never quite understood. He felt a stinging sensation of unbelonging, as every minor social interaction aggravated his overthinking habits.
"It has worsened again".
The walls leading to the schools liberating exit stretched on for what seemed like an eternity, but eventually, destiny met reality and he walked out the door, zooming back out into his comfort zone and deep into his thoughts.
Deep down Caju wasn't a mere normal human being. His stern calmness radiated outwards through his every step. But Caju had a problem, he couldn't control his thoughts.
A childhood overthinking habit had grown into the monstrous enemy inside his soul. Behind every calculated move, there was clash of different perspectives, judging him, all in his mind.
He couldn't control it, so he learnt to survive alongside it.
I had the chance to read your first chapter, and I genuinely enjoyed it🫶🏻You created a strong atmosphere right from the beginning. I could immediately feel Caju’s loneliness and anxiety, which set the mood really well. I also think the idea of exploring overthinking from the inside rather than simply telling the reader that he overthinks is very interesting.
One thing I noticed is that there are sometimes a lot of adjectives and intensifiers. Almost every noun is paired with a strong description, so occasionally the impact gets a little diluted. Sometimes less really is more✌🏻
My favorite line was: “He couldn’t control it, so he learnt to survive alongside it.” That sentence really stood out to me. It’s simple, powerful, and memorable
I also think the overall concept is very interesting and has a lot of potential. If you cut back on some of the adjectives, shorten a few of the internal explanations, and let Caju’s personality come through more naturally through his actions, I think your writing would become even stronger.
Most importantly, I think you’re very talented. I’m definitely going to keep reading, and I’m looking forward to seeing where the story goes😊
I'm so grateful for your opinion. Yes the 'intensifiers' are a bad habit of mine. It makes sense when I'm writing it (only because I'm trying to explain what's already in my head). I will be editing those internal explanations too, I find it maybe makes the story feel redundant 'I could be mistaken'.
But we are touching on my biggest weakness. 'letting his personality shine through for me is easier said than done.' although, reading more of your work could help me more than I'd like to admit, lol especially on that part.
Also, I really understand the sometimes less is more ideology. I'll make sure to keep it in mind when editing.