Early Beginnings.
It was too hot of a school day to enjoy.
The summer rays blistered every person unlucky enough to be forced outside.
The first day dread already taking hold.
...
It was only the first day of his second year being in this private school with only black kids and a few indians. New faces popped up left and right, but none of them interested him.
His chest already felt empty so he backed away from his new classmates and found comfort in his own company. - A typical choice of action for him; explaining his hobbies to people was draining.
He had already tried far too much.
...
"Caju, it's great to have you back.", teachers called out.
Lessons began with immediate effect.
A few students gazed over at him, his loneliness louder than the noisy kids.
"Hey Caju, how's your day going?"
"Good."
"Wanna know how my day has been? I just can't wait to... - "
"Can we not do this? At least not now." Caju's eyes were on the ground. The students around him laughing with people who would soon betray them.
He sat alone.
"Oh alright." Wilhelm looked off at a new group. He walked there effortlessly and owned the conversation.
The walls leading to the school's liberating exit stretched on for what seemed like an eternity, but eventually, destiny met reality and he walked out the door, zooming back out into his comfort zone and deep into his thoughts.
Deep down Caju had a problem.
A childhood overthinking habit had grown into the monstrous enemy inside his soul. Behind every calculated move, there was clash of different perspectives, judging him, all in his mind.
The day dragged on and Caju, indifferent, remained in silence.
He couldn't control it, so he learnt to survive alongside it.
I had the chance to read your first chapter, and I genuinely enjoyed it🫶🏻You created a strong atmosphere right from the beginning. I could immediately feel Caju’s loneliness and anxiety, which set the mood really well. I also think the idea of exploring overthinking from the inside rather than simply telling the reader that he overthinks is very interesting.
One thing I noticed is that there are sometimes a lot of adjectives and intensifiers. Almost every noun is paired with a strong description, so occasionally the impact gets a little diluted. Sometimes less really is more✌🏻
My favorite line was: “He couldn’t control it, so he learnt to survive alongside it.” That sentence really stood out to me. It’s simple, powerful, and memorable
I also think the overall concept is very interesting and has a lot of potential. If you cut back on some of the adjectives, shorten a few of the internal explanations, and let Caju’s personality come through more naturally through his actions, I think your writing would become even stronger.
Most importantly, I think you’re very talented. I’m definitely going to keep reading, and I’m looking forward to seeing where the story goes😊
I'm so grateful for your opinion. Yes the 'intensifiers' are a bad habit of mine. It makes sense when I'm writing it (only because I'm trying to explain what's already in my head). I will be editing those internal explanations too, I find it maybe makes the story feel redundant 'I could be mistaken'.
But we are touching on my biggest weakness. 'letting his personality shine through for me is easier said than done.' although, reading more of your work could help me more than I'd like to admit, lol especially on that part.
Also, I really understand the sometimes less is more ideology. I'll make sure to keep it in mind when editing.