Job Interview Gone Wrong

(Alex walks into the interview room carrying a skateboard, sunglasses, and a giant smoothie.)

Mr. Thompson: Good morning. Please, have a seat.

Alex: Thanks! Nice office. Smells... expensive.

Mr. Thompson: Thank you. Let’s begin. Tell me a little about yourself.

Alex: Well... my mom says I’m handsome.

Mr. Thompson: I meant professionally.

Alex: Oh. Professionally handsome.

Mr. Thompson: Why do you want to work here?

Alex: Honestly? I got lost looking for the coffee shop next door.

Mr. Thompson: ...You accidentally came to a job interview?

Alex: Well, I was already here. Seemed rude to leave.

Mr. Thompson: Do you have any previous experience?

Alex: Absolutely.

Mr. Thompson: In what field?

Alex: Video games.

Mr. Thompson: That’s... not exactly work experience.

Alex: Have you ever managed a team of twelve strangers who all ignored instructions? That’s leadership.

Mr. Thompson: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Alex: Gravity.

Mr. Thompson: Gravity?

Alex: Every time I trip, it’s gravity’s fault.

Mr. Thompson: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Alex: Hopefully not still answering that question.

Mr. Thompson: Let’s do a quick math problem. If I gave you ten dollars and spent four, how much would I have left?

Alex: Depends.

Mr. Thompson: On what?

Alex: Whether you paid taxes.

Mr. Thompson: Why should we hire you?

Alex: Because rejecting me would really hurt my confidence.

Mr. Thompson: That’s... not a qualification.

Alex: Emotional responsibility is important.

Mr. Thompson: Can you work under pressure?

Alex: No. I cry alphabetically.

Mr. Thompson: Alphabetically?

Alex: AAAAAA...

Mr. Thompson: I see on your résumé you’ve listed “excellent communication skills.”

Alex: Thank—

(Alex’s phone rings loudly.)

Phone: “🎵 WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? 🎵”

Alex: Sorry, that’s my motivational ringtone.

Mr. Thompson: Do you have any questions for me?

Alex: Yeah. If I don’t get the job... can I still finish this smoothie?

Mr. Thompson: Of course.

Alex: Great. Then today’s not a total loss.

(Mr. Thompson sighs and closes the résumé.)

Mr. Thompson: We’ll be in touch.

Alex: Awesome! Should I wait here?

Mr. Thompson: No.

Alex: Outside?

Mr. Thompson: No.

Alex: In the parking lot?

Mr. Thompson: Alex...

Alex: Got it. I’ll start Monday.

Mr. Thompson: Security!

(Two security guards appear.)

Alex: Wow! You guys hire fast.

(Lights fade as Alex happily waves while being escorted out.)

THE END