How Not to Get the Job
(Alex walks into the interview room carrying a skateboard, sunglasses, and a giant smoothie.)
Mr. Thompson: Good morning. Please, have a seat.
Alex: Thanks! Nice office. Smells... expensive.
Mr. Thompson: Thank you. Let’s begin. Tell me a little about yourself.
Alex: Well... my mom says I’m handsome.
Mr. Thompson: I meant professionally.
Alex: Oh. Professionally handsome.
Mr. Thompson: Why do you want to work here?
Alex: Honestly? I got lost looking for the coffee shop next door.
Mr. Thompson: ...You accidentally came to a job interview?
Alex: Well, I was already here. Seemed rude to leave.
Mr. Thompson: Do you have any previous experience?
Alex: Absolutely.
Mr. Thompson: In what field?
Alex: Video games.
Mr. Thompson: That’s... not exactly work experience.
Alex: Have you ever managed a team of twelve strangers who all ignored instructions? That’s leadership.
Mr. Thompson: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Alex: Gravity.
Mr. Thompson: Gravity?
Alex: Every time I trip, it’s gravity’s fault.
Mr. Thompson: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Alex: Hopefully not still answering that question.
Mr. Thompson: Let’s do a quick math problem. If I gave you ten dollars and spent four, how much would I have left?
Alex: Depends.
Mr. Thompson: On what?
Alex: Whether you paid taxes.
Mr. Thompson: Why should we hire you?
Alex: Because rejecting me would really hurt my confidence.
Mr. Thompson: That’s... not a qualification.
Alex: Emotional responsibility is important.
Mr. Thompson: Can you work under pressure?
Alex: No. I cry alphabetically.
Mr. Thompson: Alphabetically?
Alex: AAAAAA...
Mr. Thompson: I see on your résumé you’ve listed “excellent communication skills.”
Alex: Thank—
(Alex’s phone rings loudly.)
Phone: “🎵 WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? 🎵”
Alex: Sorry, that’s my motivational ringtone.
Mr. Thompson: Do you have any questions for me?
Alex: Yeah. If I don’t get the job... can I still finish this smoothie?
Mr. Thompson: Of course.
Alex: Great. Then today’s not a total loss.
(Mr. Thompson sighs and closes the résumé.)
Mr. Thompson: We’ll be in touch.
Alex: Awesome! Should I wait here?
Mr. Thompson: No.
Alex: Outside?
Mr. Thompson: No.
Alex: In the parking lot?
Mr. Thompson: Alex...
Alex: Got it. I’ll start Monday.
Mr. Thompson: Security!
(Two security guards appear.)
Alex: Wow! You guys hire fast.
(Lights fade as Alex happily waves while being escorted out.)
THE END
