THREESOME WITH MOMMY

I lay in bed next to my husband and fought with my emotions. Hayden snored away obliviously beside me. Sleep came easier to him than me these days.

I didn't want to look at his phone again, but I also knew I'd never sleep if I didn't. I couldn't say why. I already knew what I'd find.

"Fuck's sake, Kora," I whispered to myself.

Sighing, I reached carefully across Hayden and plucked his phone from atop his side table. I tapped in his password, hesitated only a moment, then checked his recent messages.

Skye. With a heart next to her name and all. How cute.

The sick, roiling captivation seized me once again as I scrolled through their recent flirting. She'd sent him more nudes too. As if he didn't have enough of them already in an album dedicated just to her.

She couldn't be any older than our kids. That was what filled me with the greatest loathing for my dear, sweet husband. Somehow it wasn't the cheating itself. That left me numb. But the age he'd gone for....

I wanted to throw up. I almost considered it. Vomit all over the bed. Like it was some petty revenge. But no.

Shaking my head I set about my usual routine of screenshotting everything new, sending it and the pictures to myself, then deleting the evidence of my snooping.

I hadn't quite decided why I bothered. Was I going to actually leave him? One would think I'd have done it already if I was going to.

It might have been more for the sake of torturing myself. The days when I scrolled alone through the mountain of evidence, letting the horror, the disgust, the utter fascination rule me. I couldn't tell what it was all about. Why I kept doing it. Maybe I thought I deserved it.

I'd thought myself lucky once, to have someone like Hayden. I'd thought it was all I could ever wish for.

Maybe I'd done wrong. Maybe I'd only been a poor judge of character. Maybe this was my fate.

I set Hayden's phone back, pausing to watch him a moment. I hated that every time I forced myself to acknowledge that this was on him, these were his choices, that I further had to acknowledge that I'd done nothing about it and was a weak, cowardly woman for it. Somehow that was worse than believing I deserved it.

It didn't have to make sense.

I gave up on sleep and slipped out of bed. I put my robe on over my nightie and padded out of the room.

Awake alone in a dark and quiet house I made myself some tea, then pattered restlessly about. I checked on Meli, my daughter, sound asleep in her bed. I smiled at the sight of her. No matter what happened to me, what indignities I suffered, nothing could take away what she and Zagreus, her brother, meant to me.

Maybe I'd disturbed Meli. I sat at the kitchen island, staring at nothing, letting my tea go cold. She sneaked in and caught me there, her face a vision of perturbed disapproval.

"You gotta do something about this insomnia, Mom," Meli said.

"You need to wear a shirt around the house," I retorted absently.

"Pff, ok, that's what you're going with?" Meli scoffed.

Her footsteps were near inaudible as she glided across the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. I watched my daughter bemusedly as she unselfconsciously leaned against the countertop sipping her water. She wore nothing at all other than a pair of black panties with a red heart on the front.

"It seems just a touch inappropriate," I said, unable to muster any proper outrage over her choice.

"Well firstly, I live here and it's what's comfy for me to sleep in. Secondly, it'd be annoying to have to dress up every time I need to get up in the middle of the night."

"Fair enough," I said.

"Thirdly," Meli continued as though she hadn't heard me, "no one's meant to be around to have an issue with how I dress at this time of night. Fourthly, Dad is asleep and isn't here to see anything, and if you're going to tell me you specifically have a problem with seeing your daughter's tits then...."

She trailed off as a pain shot through me and I buried my face in one hand, fighting sobs.

"Um... or I can put a shirt on?" Meli offered. "I thought we were play fighting. It's not a big deal, really. I truly didn't think anyone else was gonna be up and--"

"It's nothing to do with you," I managed weakly, even forcing something that halfway resembled a reassuring smile.

Nothing to do with her at all. Just the very oblique reference to Hayden and his interest in a girl Meli's age. I was pretty fragile right now, it seemed.

Meli sat next to me and rubbed my back. "Something really is wrong, isn't it?"

I thought about lying, but it seemed pointless when I could barely hold back from crying. "Yes."

"You want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "I don't think I can. It's nothing you need to be worried about, and--"

"Is it Dad?" she asked.

I blinked, stunned into silence, suddenly more surprised than sad. "How do you...."

Meli shrugged. "You think I can't see the difference in you when he's home versus when he's away for work?" She sighed. "I knew something was up. Just didn't know...." She shook herself. "Divorce?"

Again my surprise temporarily held back any desire for tears. "No!" I said instinctively, feeling like I shouldn't worry my daughter like that. As soon as I said it though, I knew it wasn't outrageous under the circumstances. "I mean, I don't know. It's complicated."

"Mmhm."

"I haven't gotten that far with it," I admitted.

"But it's bad?" Meli asked.

"Yes," I said. "Sorry. That's not your burden. You don't need to know. Especially when I don't even know what I want to do. Or need to do, maybe."

Meli stepped back and put her hands on her hips, managing to look rather fierce and determined despite her near-nudity. "Firstly, it's too late to not tell me things now. Secondly, I'm an adult--"

"Technically," I murmured.

"--I can handle it. Thirdly, you're my mom. I don't want you to be sad. Especially not all on your own."

"We all need to be sad sometimes," I mused.

Meli sighed. "Oh Mom...."

"I'm ok, baby, really."

"No you're not."

I felt a pang in my chest. "No," I agreed. "I'm not."

Meli stepped close and hugged me tight. I needed it, and wasn't able to hold back tears entirely while she held me. I tried to ignore how mostly-naked she was. Given my emotional state, that wasn't my focus anyway.

Meli and I stayed up a while after that. Not that there was much more to say, but she was still right there with me, just being supportive.

It gave me hope, actually. My marriage was in shambles, but I'd raised a good kid. Two, in fact. My son was away at university, but he was as smart and kind as his sister. They, at least, were something amazingly wonderful to come out of all this.

"What you smiling for?" Meli asked suspiciously.

"I have the best daughter I could have ever asked for," I said.

I was pleased to see her blush deeply. "Mooommm!"

"What?"

"That's... that's weird to say."

"No it isn't," I said.

"I've got secrets, you know," Meli pouted.

"I would hope so," I said. "It would be weird if you didn't."

"I'm not always well-behaved when you're not looking," she insisted.

"You think I don't know that?"

Meli frowned and fidgeted. "You're making me feel really weird about having my tits out."

I gave a short laugh. "Now you feel weird?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna have to put a shirt on now."

"Probably for the best," I said. "Might be time to go back to bed anyway."

Meli nodded, then paused. "You don't want to sleep with Dad right now, do you?"

It was my turn to squirm uncertainly. "It's what I've done for all these years. I'll be fine."

"Stay with me the night," Meli said firmly.

I looked at her. "What?"

"I mean it. We'll have a little slumber party. We've already stayed up late and everything."

"Woke up in the middle of the night," I said. "It's different."

"Still counts," Meli said. "Come on."

I bemusedly followed my daughter to her room. I had to admit to mixed emotions trailing along behind her and being more aware of her lack of clothes than I had for the whole rest of our encounter. If I detached myself sufficiently from the context of it, there was a certain underlying thrill involved. I was not happy or proud of that, and my daughter was most definitely not a teasing girl inviting me to her room for 'fun.' It did put me in that mindset though, as uncomfortable as it was.

I sighed relief when Meli threw a shirt on, something that covered her down to her upper thighs. She smirked crookedly at my obvious reaction.

"Too grown up for you, huh?" she teased.

"Yes," I said before I could think better of the acknowledgement.

Meli blinked and blushed faintly again before shaking her head. "Check out my ass why don't you," she teased softly.

"Meli...."

"I'm fine," she said. "It's all good." She dared to peer at me. "I really made you a little uncomfortable though, huh?"

"Don't look so pleased about it," I said.

"Too late, already smug," she said. "If my own mom's checking me out then--"

"Meli!"

"Kidding! Kidding, jeez." She bounced into bed. "Now come to bed with me."

I folded my arms.

"I'll be good," she said. "It's a nice ego boost, but come on. I don't know what you're worried about."

I shook my head and slipped under the covers next to her. "You're too much like me at your age, I think."

Meli gasped in scandalized delight. "Ooh! Were you a bad girl back in the day?"

"Never you mind about that," I said.

"If you tell me some fun things, I'll let you be the little spoon," she offered.

"We are not spooning," I said.

"Fine, fine," she said. "You can be little spoon anyway. Fussy."

I fended off a few playful attempts at snuggling close, then gave in and let Meli cuddle up next to me. Not spooning. That felt like too much. But it was really, really nice to have her warmly next to me, holding me, one of my arms around her in return.

This is what it had come to. Getting comfort from my daughter, who shouldn't have to worry about me this way, instead of my husband. I was, I recognized, lucky to have such a wonderful daughter, but it still left me uneasy to put this kind of pressure on her, inadvertently or not.

"It's gonna be ok," Meli murmured.

"I know," I lied.

"Just wait for Zag to get home too. We'll take care of you."

I brightened at the thought. I knew my son was returning from school soon, but it had kind of slipped my mind recently. I'd been missing him terribly, even though I knew I had to let my adult children go their own ways in life. The thought that I'd have them both around for at least a little while was exciting. And not just because it was a welcome distraction from my nightmare of a marriage.

"Go to sleep now," Meli cooed soothingly, as though I was a child coming to mommy after a bad dream. "Sleep now. Tomorrow's another day."

I didn't think I would, in fact. But something about my daughter's comfort eventually put me under until morning.

It was a few days before Zagreus showed up at the front door. I knew he was coming, but I didn't know exactly when. It was sort of a perfect moment of surprise and delight when I heard someone enter the house, peeked around the corner out of idle curiousity, and saw Zag walking in.

I squealed in a way I thought I'd left behind decades ago, rushing to my boy and wrapping my arms around him.

"Hi, Mom," he said in mild amusement.

"You're home!" I exclaimed happily.

"I am," he agreed.

It felt so good to hold him. I'd missed him. Of course I'd missed my baby boy. But feeling him in my arms again brought all the visceral feelings back in a sudden, overwhelming rush, really hammering home how nice it was to see him again.

I had to let go of him eventually. I didn't make it easy though. I made Zag playfully extract himself from my grip on him, which he didn't seem to mind.

There was something about the way he carried himself. I slowly pieced it together as I helped him lug his stuff from his car to his room, idly chatting away about his drive, his last few weeks at university, what he'd missed while he was gone.

It was confidence, largely. That was what I decided. Zag had always been a little on the shy side. Reserved, perhaps. Of course I used to think so about Meli too. They were both growing into new people, sneaking it past me slowly but inevitably.

I liked it on both of them, I thought. Meli's topless midnight wanderings nonwithstanding. Zag moved with a quiet surety that would have seemed all out of place even a year ago. But between that and the way he seemed to have grown into his body, it was really, really working for him.

I lay on his bed with my head propped up on my arm, watching him as he put his stuff away. Between him and my own behaviour I was getting flashbacks to being his age. My feelings toward my son were very unlike crushes I used to get on cute boys, but at the same time I could appreciate what it would be like to be someone else in that moment. Some girl he'd met while living away.

I had to laugh at my own inner musings. What else could I do?

"Something amusing?" Zag asked.

"Just something I thought of," I said truthfully but vaguely.

"Uh huh," he said doubtfully, though he didn't pry.

He lay down next to me when he got tired of unpacking, and we just kept talking about things. Nothing of any real import, I supposed, but it felt nice and soothing.

That time with my son kept me in a different mood all through the afternoon and evening. Somehow both calm and distracted. Not that anyone seemed to notice.

Meli was delighted to have her brother back, though I wondered whether it would be days or mere hours before they were bickering at each other like they so enjoyed. Hayden similarly was fully engrossed all through dinner in quizzing Zag, about college sports mainly. Girls too. Man stuff, I supposed.

It somehow didn't bother me to hear my husband asking about college girls, despite his affair with one never straying far from my mind. Rather bizarrely, if anything, I felt little flairs of jealousy thinking of my Zagreus meeting someone special, and warm pleasure that there was no one serious in his life at the moment.

That was not good. Not at all supportive of me. Too possessive by far. But perhaps that was only because my boy was freshly back in the house, and maybe the jealousy was something that would flit away again once we all readjusted.

We had a family movie night later after supper. It was sort of an impromptu thing where we all trickled in at our own pace, gathering up naturally into the living room.

It was all four of us for a while, and I let myself just pretend it was normal, that everything was fun, that I was happy. It wasn't even a lie, not exactly.

It didn't surprise me when Hayden left after the start of the second movie. Perfect privacy for him to go off and text his girlfriend, I uncharitably thought. Once again though, not bothering me the way it sometimes did.

I had my kids. Both of them. That made a difference for sure. I hadn't intended to snuggle between them, but since we all gravitated to wherever the snacks were, it was sort of inevitable that we got close.

I loved it. I needed it, really. Technically I still had physical closeness with my husband, but it wasn't the safe intimacy that it used to be. Not now that I no longer trusted him.

But Zag and Meli? They were my perfect babies, my sweet angels. I loved them so much it ached a little inside. In a good way. The best way.

"Is he asleep?" Meli whispered in my ear at one point.

I blinked and looked over at Zag. He'd been leaning rather cutely against my shoulder for a while. I'd been gently stroking his hair. Still was. But indeed it seemed at some point his eyes had closed.

"I think so," I whispered back.

"Hehe, no stamina," Meli snickered.

"He had a long day," I said.

"Mmhm, I guess," Meli said. "Still gonna have to pick on him about it."

"Or you could be a mature adult," I suggested.

Meli sighed with unearned weariness. "You have such strange ideas sometimes."

I let the movie finish up with Zag still snuggled up against me. I couldn't bear to disturb him any sooner than I had to. If Meli hadn't been present, I might have pretended to fall asleep too just for the excuse of staying there with him. It felt so tender and innocent, but warm and comforting too.

Still, it would have been weird to let us both linger once Meli stood up and stretched. And she would have smirked teasingly at me, most likely. Or worse, been sympathetic and understanding. I was too confused already to deal with explaining myself to someone else.

I jostled Zag gently awake and guided him to his bedroom. He gave me a long, slow hug before shutting his door behind him, and I was in no more hurry than him to break it.

I got ready for bed myself after that. Hayden was on his phone, casually putting it away when I walked into our bedroom as though it wouldn't be obvious he'd been texting someone he shouldn't be before I showed up. Maybe it wouldn't be if I hadn't already known.

I'd thought about that sometimes. How long he'd been cheating before I knew about it, and how I hadn't suspected his behaviours then. But I hadn't realized I needed to suspect. That was the double-edged sword of trust.

I lay in bed next to my husband, staring silently into the dark until long after he'd fallen asleep. I checked his phone again, once more questioning why I needed to keep doing it to myself, why I kept visiting the pain of it over and over.

There were pictures again tonight. Sexting back and forth between him and his girlfriend. I felt a wave of disgust surge in me, but made myself go through the process of sending myself the evidence and covering my tracks afterward.

I got up and left the room after. I couldn't be next to him.

I wasn't sure what the worst part of it all was. In the larger scheme of things, the sheer betrayal of our life and everything I thought we'd built together seemed to probably be the answer.

In smaller terms though, I couldn't quite get my head around whether it was his need to target someone so much younger than us, whether it was obsessing over what her whole deal was, being annoyed at how cute she was--not even hot, sexy, or seductive, but downright cute--or whether it was the constant, stabbing ache of watching him blithely go about his business without any overt changes in behaviour. Like it didn't matter.

I found myself at Meli's door. I slipped in and padded over to her bed, sitting gently on the edge of it. This wasn't her problem, I shouldn't ever be her responsibility, not like this. But my husband was less than no help, my son was newly home and we were both still readjusting to that, and my daughter had already been shown a peek behind the curtain. Which didn't make burdening her any more ethical really, but I could only do so much with my decision making when I was in turmoil.

"It's a good thing you're my mom," Meli murmured sleepily. "Or this would come off a bit creepy."

"Sorry," I said.

She shrugged. "No worries. You need somewhere to sleep?"

She offered it so casually. It broke my heart a little, and I couldn't tell if that was in a good way or a bad way. Maybe it was something to do with how easy she made her offers of support. That meant so much to me in my fragile state.

"Yes please," I said.

Meli nodded and rolled over in her bed, leaving room for me next to her.

"Are you... do you have anything on under the covers?" I asked, noting her bare shoulders.

Meli turned her head to me and grinned. "Not much. You gonna be all weird about that again?"

"I'm not, in fact," I said, slipping under the covers next to her. "Just felt I should check."

"When we snuggle in your bed, you can set the dress code," Meli decreed, rolling warmly back next to me.

TBC………