Chapter 1
An hour . It usually hits me when I’m not with you for an hour . this lingering feeling comes back , reminding me it never really left me . You just have the power to quiet it down the most . At first i thought it disappeared but i quickly realized it will forever be a part of me . Like we are two sides of the same coin which makes you a trickster that only shows one side . Only one hour at best and i feel it again, That thick fluid going back through my veins,clenching my heart ,putting a mist in my brain . It’s not strong , not yet , but it’s lurking , reminding me everything and making me feel nothing .And I realize I’m sad again, in that old familiar way, like I was before you ,like I forgot I was even capable of being understood, until you showed me what that felt like.How someone is supposed to live without this after being exposed to it ? An my only sword against it is to think about you , about us , but this only puts me worst , because it reminds me that soon everythi,g will be over . yes everything because somehow in less than a year you replace almost everything else . It’s not your fault . I was empty , starving for something i should have experienced for years. A need I didn’t even know I needed , one i can’t name because it’s a mix of things that are linked to the others , a whole .Everything goes quiet when you’re here. Not empty quiet,the other kind. The kind that feels like finally, like there’s just you, being here, and for a moment I’m not at war with anything. You’re home, and it hasn’t even been a year, and I already don’t remember what I used to call safe before you. I want this forever. I can’t be alone again, not the way I was before. I’m only not-alone with you, which is a beautiful thing to feel and a terrifying thing to need.I know I’m too much. I know I’m not enough. Somehow I’m both at once, and somehow you make me feel like neither.
I feel too much. I always have. But this is different ,what I write isn’t even a fraction of what I feel. The words come out small and the feeling is enormous, and I don’t know what to do with the distance between them . Only ten months and it’s over , maybe it’s the same feeling prisoners felt before their death sentence . By the way , i hated that nickname util you said it .
