Attuned

Noa was sitting on the balcony with his legs draped over the railing of his apartment, smoking a cigarette. He was a slim, athletic twenty-year-old. His slightly curly blond hair was cut to his ears. His eyes were as blue as the sky on a summer day. His full, delicate lips complemented his slightly round face and perfectly proportioned nose. His body was sculpted by daily runs, swimming, and workouts. One might say he was young and handsome and he should have been happy, too.

He was a good, quiet, and modest boy, the complete opposite of his brother, who was five years older. His brother was perpetually in debt due to gambling, street fights, and everything that was illegal and dangerous. They hadn’t been in touch for some time, unless his brother ran out of money or failed to pay his debts on time. Every few weeks, he’d just send a message or send someone over. He’d only hear from him when he needed something and how much. Noa didn’t know how to refuse him or rather, he couldn’t. Viktor was the demon of his past, one he couldn’t escape. He’d rather pay off his debts than put up with his presence. That way, at least, he was physically free of him, but mentally, Viktor still had control over him.

At first, he told himself it was his brother, that they were family. He remembered how he’d been bullied in high school, and how his brother had helped him back then. He’d often stood up for him. Only later he realize that Viktor had used that as a way to keep him in line. It wasn’t protection from bullies; he simply wanted Noa to be his alone. He’d scare him by saying he wouldn’t survive without him, that he had to listen to him because no one else wanted him anyway and no one would help him. He manipulated him so much that Noa wouldn’t even have thought to talk to his parents. When his younger brother suddenly left, Noa came back to life. He signed up for taekwondo; he liked that fighting style and devoted every moment to training. He read books and learned from them. Technically, he lacked nothing. However, he didn’t know how to fight; he’d rather run away than get into a brawl.

His head was flooded with so many negative emotions. The bullying had left a scar on his heart and in his mind. The death of his parents only intensified his fear and uncertainty. They had died in a fire, for which Noa also blamed himself. That evening, he had been late; if he’d arrived on time, he would have noticed the fire sooner, but instead, his parents had burned to death. They’d gone to bed early but hadn’t turned off the heater. A short circuit and a death in agony. His brother returned for the funeral. Noa tried to act confident; his appearance had changed, he was as tall as his brother and well-muscled. Viktor had bullied him only once, but this time it felt different. Noa fought back not hard, because he was so afraid, but Viktor left the very next day.

He couldn't come to terms with everything that had happened to him; he even tried to kill himself once, but his best friend Ryan found him in time. At first he was angry with him, but over time he came to terms with his fate.

Now he lived only to survive. He devoted every moment to training, grueling workouts so his mind couldn’t dwell on the past. At work and he took on any job that came his way he also gave 100 percent.

Now, sitting on the balcony, he took another drag on his cigarette, trying to map out a plan for the next few days. Work at the garage until five. Then a few hours of sleep, off to the nightclub by ten, and the same tomorrow. Ryan also worked at the club,he was the one who got him in there. He was a scrawny boy Noa’s age, a head shorter than him, with perpetually messy hair. He had a long face with a big nose and big ears. Noa thought the hairstyle was meant to hide them. His big eyes always looked at his friend with adoration. Noa suspected the boy had feelings for him, but he wasn’t ready to come out with his feelings just yet. He wasn’t in the mood for relationships, whether with a woman or a man. He felt best with headphones on while running.

Another . The smoke filled his lungs, making the nicotine spin his head. He knew he shouldn’t smoke, but he had to do something bad to feel better. He hated his life. He hated being nothing, feeling like nothing, and meaning nothing. And that’s exactly how he felt. Work, home, home, work, and exercise. He felt lonely, yet at the same time he didn’t want anyone around him. Sometimes he’d stare at his wrists; sometimes he’d burn his skin with a cigarette, but then he’d think of Viktor, so he tried not to do it. But when he felt the pain, he felt like he meant something; he felt alive.

It had already been a month since Johnny, the club owner, had given him a job.

“I see you’ve finished the course; that’s good,” he nodded, pursing his lips. He stared at the boy for a moment, narrowed his eyes, and asked, “Are you sure you don’t want to dance?” as he looked over his body. Although in the clothes he was wearing jeans and a T-shirt he just looked slim.

In his bartender’s uniform black jeans and a leather vest much more was visible, and Noa’s chest looked truly impressive, especially when he tensed his muscles. Some employees rubbed themselves with oil and applied colored paint to their abs to make their muscles stand out. Noa didn’t need to do that.

One hundred percent he guy stuck to his principles. He knew that if he started dancing and God forbid he were later asked for a private dance he’d feel even worse and lose what little self-respect he had left. “I need the money…”

“As a dancer, you’ll make a lot more,” the boss tempted him.

Noa shook his head from side to side.

“No, I don’t sell myself,” he said seriously. That was the last thing he’d ever want.

“All respect,” Johnny laughed. “But if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”

“Thanks,” Noa smiled, now more relaxed.

He stepped off the balcony and tidied up the kitchen. The apartment was small but neat. One bedroom, a small kitchenette, and a living room. That was enough. He didn’t have a TV. He didn’t need one. He saved everything he earned in his bank account, waiting for his brother to call so he’d have enough. He was afraid that if there wasn’t enough, his brother would come to stay with him.

He left the house and headed to work; the rest of the cigarette was left in a flowerpot that had once held a plant. Today, some rich guy had rented out a club—some kind of birthday party. It would be a chance to make some money. He was nervous about making a mistake or making a fool of himself. He’d learned to pretend to be someone he wasn’t. He could become a playboy and a confident, cocky guy, but then it would end in panic attacks and vomiting. That’s when running, swimming, or the gym would help.

His workplace wasn’t far away; he walked those few blocks faster than he’d planned. He went to the back of the club to smoke one more cigarette to calm down and focus. He turned over a plastic box and sat down on it.

“That’s not a healthy habit,” someone said as he took his first drag.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that too,” he said, looking at the cigarette. He smiled.

After a moment, he saw a tall guy, not much older than himself, stepping out of the shadows. Black creased pants, a gray shirt with rolled-up sleeves, and purple suspenders. His hands were in his pockets. He approached Noa slowly but confidently. When the lights illuminated his face, Noa swallowed audibly and stopped smiling. He felt shy and was sure he was blushing; he hoped the dim light wouldn’t betray his vulnerability.

“Cassian,” the man said, squinting as he looked at the boy.

“Noa,” he said in a hoarse voice, holding out his hand.

Whether he wanted to or not, he was staring at that beautiful face and couldn’t look away. Noa swallowed audibly again. Cassian’s skin was tanned, his face long and chiseled. His eyebrows were perfectly even, except for one that was deliberately broken. His eyes were green as emeralds, and his eyelashes were long, as if glued on. They stared at each other for a long moment. Finally, Cassian smiled rakishly and said,

“Your cigarette’s burned out.”

Noa felt embarrassed as he let go of his new friend’s hand and looked at the cigarette. Sure enough, he was holding just the filter.

“Oh, right,” he said, scratching his head. “I guess that’s just how it’s meant to be,” he began, smiling. He could feel his heart pounding and tried at all costs not to give himself away. “I’d better go back inside,” he said finally and set off.

“Want to grab a drink?” Cassian asked.

Noa relaxed a little. He turned to the man he’d just met.

“I’m sorry, but I work here,” he said, smiling like a playboy. He noticed Cassian clench his jaw tighter. Without waiting for a response, he headed inside.

He walked into the locker room and felt his manhood throbbing. This didn’t usually happen to him. And it wasn’t because Cass was a man. Noa wasn’t interested in anyone. But now he couldn’t stop being hard. He went to the bathroom to relieve himself. He sat there for a moment longer, washed his face, and looked in the mirror. He laughed to himself.

“Wow,” he said to his reflection.

He went back to the locker room and put on his uniform. Ryan had just walked in.

“Hey,” he said, again with that look of a lovesick teenager.

“What’s up?” Noa asked, trying to avoid his gaze.

“Same as always,” he shrugged. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay,” he nodded, “I’m okay,” he repeated, smiling again. Ryan furrowed his brow.

“You seem different.” Noa straightened up and grew serious. He liked Ryan, but Ryan was constantly checking up on him, visiting him, keeping an eye on him. Sometimes Noa really felt like telling him to back off.

“Everything’s fine,” he said, stepping out of the locker room.

The room was full of people of all ages and social statuses. Of course, you could tell right away who was rich, who was poor, and who was mentally ill. Noa realized that by being nice, whether to the gay guy or the girl who was clinging to him, he could earn good tips.

However, he couldn’t pretend; he couldn’t deceive or lie. He didn’t want to, and he was proud of that. Despite everything, the drunk, rowdy crowd tipped him quite generously that night, and on top of that, he received a tip from the organizer for a “job well done.” He had only one slip-up. Someone spilled alcohol, and someone else tossed a cigarette. A small fire broke out, but for Noah, that was enough for the demons of his past to catch up with him. He had to run outside for a short break. When he stepped outside, his hands began to shake, and he couldn’t get any air into his lungs. A panic attack hit him fast. But suddenly, someone grabbed him from behind. He recognized the shirt and the hands. And then that voice. Right by his ear.

Calm down, breathe one, two. Listen to my voice. You’re safe. Three, four, good. One more time...

Noa let him hold him; he let him kiss his neck. All the pressure eased, and before he could thank him, Cass was already gone. He returned to the hall, but security told him to go to the boss’s office.

“There’s a problem,” Johnny began bluntly. Noa took a deeper breath. "You’ve caught someone eye.”

Noa narrowed his eyes.

“Someone?” he repeated. “eye?”

“That someone wants to pay up, you understand.”

“Johnny,” Noa began, shaking his head from side to side, but the boss grabbed him by the collar.

“Listen,” he said through clenched teeth, “take this job - you said you needed money...”

“I am not for sell,” he snarled, breaking free.

“I’ll put this as gently as I can, because I’ve grown to like you,” the man took a deep breath and looked Noa in the eyes. “If you don’t go there, you’d better get out of town.”

Noa’s eyes widened. Johnny tossed him a piece of paper with the address and added as he walked out of the locker room.

“You need to be there in an hour.”

The boy stared for a moment at the door his boss had slammed shut. He looked at the hotel address and room number.

“Get out of town.” He punched the wall with his fist. “So much for not getting myself into trouble,” he whispered, wiping his face.