Chapter One
There would be no quiet at the college this week. The latest crop of undergraduates announced their arrival as they always did: loudly.
Julius had seen it before: the bluster and bravado of young men with their first taste of freedom.
He had little in common with them. He was here on merit, not money, and it had been a difficult climb.
As a first-year man, he had been at their mercy, a glorified errand boy rather than a fellow student.
Now, in his final year, his only obligation was tutoring, and he had a single goal: to graduate at the top of his class.
He had no room for distractions.
Shouts echoed across the courtyard, and the scuffle of boots rang sharply against the cobbles.
Another fight. Julius sighed. Common enough, though at this late hour it was completely unacceptable. As a senior, he was obliged to investigate, though he wished he could turn away.
As he turned the corner, he saw a slight young man on the flagstones. A much taller boy sat astride him, pinning him to the ground and punching at his head.
Two accomplices loudly egged him on.
“Teach that little whelp a good lesson.”
The boy shielded his face with his forearms, twisting his body to avoid the blows.
“Hoy!” Julius shouted as he approached.
The assailants scattered before he could take their names.
“Are you quite all right?”
The young man stood and brushed the dust from his trousers.
“I am all right. My own brothers have done worse.”
He wiped his bloodied nose with the back of his hand.
Julius reluctantly held out his handkerchief. It was his best one, and he disliked the idea of parting with it so easily.
“Why were they beating you?”
The boy peered up from under a wild mess of dark curls and flashed a smile that only the devil would understand.
“I told the ringleader that if he was trying to gain my attention, there were many handsomer men ahead of him.”
“Why would you say something so foolish?”
“The truth is never foolish.”
Julius hesitated, studying him.
“Perhaps not,” he said. “But it can be dangerous. Be wary how you use it.”
The boy handed back the handkerchief, untouched.
“What is your name?” the younger man asked.
“Julius Marsh.”
“I am William Seaforth.”
“I did not ask,” Julius said and simply walked away.
William lingered in the yard and watched him disappear into the shadows. Interesting fellow. He smiled and turned in the opposite direction.
***
After that evening in the courtyard, Julius found it impossible to escape his awareness of William Seaforth. At mealtimes, William would turn his head when Julius entered the hall. Julius pretended not to notice. If they were seated close to each other, William’s voice was pitched just a little higher, his banter slightly more outrageous.
Julius caught himself watching the corridors for the familiar dark curls, annoyed by the strange anticipation he felt whenever their paths crossed.
The only escape he found was in the library. Once cloistered in his carrel with his books, he rarely thought of Seaforth.
One afternoon Julius sensed someone standing behind him.
“Mr Marsh.”
He turned, only to be met by the face of the one person he least wished to see.
“I have been making inquiries about you. It seems you are highly regarded.”
“Which is precisely why I would prefer you did not,” Julius said, returning to his book.
“You do not think much of me, do you?” William asked.
“I do not think of you at all.”
William was not put off.
He moved to the side of the carrel and leaned his shoulder against the wooden panel. He studied the crown of Julius’s head. The hair, once dark, was almost entirely grey. Only faint streaks remained of what it had once been.
“Your hair is most unusual. How did it come to be that way?”
The fringe that had been tucked behind Julius’s ear slipped free. It covered his eyes, forcing him to look up.
“I do not know.” He secured the errant lock back in place and returned to his book. He found it impossible to concentrate, the words unsettled on the page, his heart beating too fast.
“I have a theory,” William offered.
“I do not care to hear it.”
“Oh, but it is a marvellous theory. If you have the temperament of an old badger, you will begin to look like one.”
Julius rolled his eyes and looked directly into William’s for the first time since the night in the courtyard.
“Why are you bothering me?”
“I want you to tutor me. I understand you are the best in our house, if not the whole college.”
“I am sorry. I only tutor advanced students. I am not inclined to be a childminder. Perhaps if you opened a book, you would not need a tutor.”
“Can we at least be friendly?”
“That is unlikely.”
William laughed. A soft, impish chuckle.
He turned to leave.
“I will have to see what I can do about changing that,” he said over his shoulder.
Julius remained still.
He did not turn to watch William leave. Instead, he sat motionless, wondering how he might avoid what had just been set in motion.
For a time he managed.
***
Julius left the dining hall through the service door and crossed the courtyard, hoping he could steal a few more hours of study before nightfall. The last of the daylight was fading, and the first fallen leaves gave a satisfying crunch beneath his boots. Dusk was his favourite time of day, when the shadows softened the edges of the world and played tricks on his eyes.
He had recently taken to eating apart from the other students. No longer a sizar, he still helped the dormitory staff whenever they needed an extra pair of hands. In return, he was allowed to take his meals in a service room behind the hall, a privilege no one questioned.
“Mr Marsh,” a voice called from behind.
Someone hurried after him and stepped directly into his path.
“I finally found you.” A breathless William flashed him a broad smile.
Julius needed a moment before he trusted himself to answer.
“Has it occurred to you that perhaps I do not wish to be found?”
“Oh, yes. In fact, I suspect you are trying to avoid me. Would you mind telling me why?”
“You are imagining things, Mr Seaforth. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to study.”
Before William could reply, Julius stepped around him and continued across the courtyard.
When he reached the library, there was a note on his desk.
He paused.
In his junior years he had been the target of constant provocation, other students often defacing his belongings. Now, with recognition from the faculty, it had for the most part ceased.
He unfolded the note and laughed softly.
It was a drawing of a badger. Rendered in pencil with fine detail, the creature looked alive.
This was certainly provocation, but not of a kind that he was likely to report.
He began to crumple the page, then stopped himself.
Instead, he smoothed out the creases and tucked it into the back cover of a book.
***
A week before the Christmas term break, Julius was putting up notices. He licked the small red wafer and affixed it to the back of the paper. A familiar voice behind him caused him to pause.
“What does it say?”
“Chapel times are changing for next term. The chaplain asked for my assistance putting up the notices.”
“Sounds dull, but would you like me to help?”
“I am sure I can manage,” Julius replied flatly.
“At least let me keep you company.”
Julius sighed aloud, but he did not ask William to leave.
William leaned against the wall.
“You dress like a clergyman, you know.”
“So I have been told.”
“And here I thought I was being clever.”
Julius stifled a laugh, but it did not escape William’s notice.
“Are you destined for the church then?”
Julius turned and met his eye for a moment.
“I have no such aspirations, and I am not sure they would want me either.”
William went silent.
He followed Julius down the corridor to the next board.
William studied his back. The suit was an eyesore. Plain black wool with a coarse weave. The coat fit well at the shoulders, emphasising his broad back, but it fell without taper and did not follow his natural curve. The trousers were wide around the ankles and cut too high.
“You ought to find a new tailor. That is a terrible suit.”
“My mother made it.”
“Oh. Well, next time ask her for a blue one. I think it would suit you better.”
“I will consider that. Here, hold these and pass them to me when I ask. You may as well make yourself useful.”
***
As one of the most sought-after tutors in college, Julius was often called to hearings regarding the performance or conduct of the students he supervised.
The Proctors’ lists were always laid before the tutors, and he could not avoid seeing the catalogue of infractions. He paused each time Seaforth’s name appeared, and it appeared often: public drunkenness, insubordination, fighting.
It was none of his concern, yet he found himself unable to ignore the unease it provoked.
The library was quiet this evening. Julius settled into his carrel and began to work.
Harrington and Fenwick walked past him, but they pretended not to notice.
It had been like that since their first year, when Julius refused to acknowledge them. At the time it earned him a bloodied nose, but the indifference he gained from the incident was a welcome relief.
They settled in an alcove, unaware that their voices carried to Julius’s carrel.
“Any favourites among the new boys?” Harrington asked. “I have just been introduced to Seaforth. Prettier than most girls, that one.”
Julius stopped to listen.
Fenwick laughed.
“I would be careful there. He is willing enough, to be sure, but I would not trust him to be discreet. He grows attached too quickly.”
“It sounds like you speak from experience.”
“Perhaps I do,” Fenwick chuckled. “Perhaps I do.”
Julius knew he should have been appalled, but his body answered differently.
He wished Seaforth would just disappear.
But he did not.
***
Late one afternoon, quite unexpectedly, he found Seaforth sitting in a sunbeam at the end of the corridor.
“Whatever are you doing?”
“Hiding.”
“From whom?”
“Myself, mostly.”
When William looked up, Julius noticed the puffiness and redness around his eyes.
He would not walk away.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes… no… I do not know. What does all right even mean? I am failing most of my classes, I have no friends, and the only people who take any interest are those who want something from me.”
Julius stiffened, recalling not only the fight but the conversation he had overheard in the library.
He reached out his hand to help William off the floor.
“Come now, it will soon be time for dinner.”
“Will you eat with me?” William asked.
“Just this once,” Julius answered.
He would be leaving soon; there could be no harm in it.
In his final month, Julius returned to dining in the hall. He told himself it was only convenience, but if William was sitting alone, he no longer chose another table.
***
Wine flowed freely at the graduation dinner and Julius had more than he was accustomed to. Even the familiar paths appeared strange as he ambled back to the house. He laughed softly, enjoying the sensation of otherness the wine had given him.
William was seated on the step outside.
“It is well past curfew, you should be inside.”
William stood.
“I was waiting for you.”
“Whatever for?”
“Did you intend to leave without saying goodbye?”
“I did,” Julius replied without excuse or explanation.
“What am I to you?” William asked.
“An inconvenience.”
William released a quiet breath.
“Come with me,” he said, grabbing Julius’s sleeve and leading him into a shadowed recess on the side of the building.
They stood in silence, close enough that Julius was conscious of every breath William took.
William stepped forward and placed his hand flat against Julius’s chest. Julius felt his heart racing beneath it.
“You and I are cut from the same cloth, Mr Julius Marsh. The only difference is I am much braver than you.”
William stood on his toes and moved his hand to Julius’s neck, drawing him into a kiss. Julius went still. Then he did not. His hand found William’s waist and pulled him closer, kissing him back.
He lingered there. Caught between what he wanted most and what he could not allow himself to want at all.
William made a soft sound against his mouth.
He put his hands on William’s shoulders and pushed him away.
“William, what do you want from me?”
“I want you to love me.”
Julius lifted William’s chin, forcing him to look into his eyes.
“Though I am tempted, I cannot take you as you are.”
He kissed William again and left without turning back.
William slid down the rough bricks. He wrapped his arms around his knees and broke into tears.
“Damn him,” he muttered between sobs.
