1. From where it started
December 26, 2024
Kolkata, West Bengal
“Uncle mandir jabo.” (Uncle, I will go to the mandir)
“Ha bosho.” (Yes sit)
Temperature 14 deg C. Clad in a purple V neck kurti with neckline embroidered in green thread, green leggings, green orna (dupatta) and her dida’s (grandmother’s) sweater, she looked at the passing traffic. For some reason, she feels like she wants to cry.
Tomorrow is her birthday, but from 12 years of age she just saw it as another day. There is something so freeing about going places alone, she thought. Just then she saw a couple going by. The girl is laughing while holding her lover’s hand tightly. Her orna is used as a shawl for him.
And suddenly, the freeing thought was replaced by ”If I had someone would I have done that too? Would we have worn matching sets? But I am not too fond of matching sets. But I would have loved my orna on him. Over his monochrome shirts, my printed ornas would have sat. Maybe Shantiniketan prints over his blunt blues and blacks.
Blunt blues and blacks? Why? Cant he wear pink, white, yellow, green, teal, seagreen, pastels? I have an important work tomorrow. Why am I thinking these things? Why am I always wanting someone I can’t name and find? Why-"
" Ei j maa, mandir ” (Here, child, the mandir )
" Ha uncle, ei j taka ta” (Yes uncle, here is the money)
The mandir is in a secluded place. It’s a mandir of Baba Lokenath and Shiv Thakur. ( Baba Lokenath and Shivji/ Mahadev). Unsuprisingly she is the only one there.
So she went and took her favourite spot. Exactly in the middle. To see Baba Lokenath directly. The pandit is currently preparing for the puja, one aunty and one bhai is helping him.
The pandit looks at her and smiles lightly,
" Ki re, etodin por?” (Hey, after so long), he says .
“Ha uncle, ei college er chap e r asha hoi na. Bari te o kaj chilo.” (Yes uncle, I could not visit due to college pressure. And was also busy at home.”
As the puja went on, she quietly prayed,
"Baba, dekho ami na onek kichu bhabhchi. First, amar kokhono monehoy j ami eka thik achi, career banabo , stable hobo, tarpor I will settle. Kintu majhe majhe monehoy, Jodi karur sathe boro hote partam tahole hoitoh moja ashto. Ei j innocence, ei j ghurte jawa, ei j exam er time ek e opr e cheer up kora, eigulo toh r phire pbona. Kintu , ekhon ja obostha ami toh kauke emotional vvulnerability diye trpr empty cup niye ghure berate prbo na, tokhn ami drained feel korbo, r ami bujhte pari amarKemon chele chai, kintu , kintu , shono na, tumi Jodi khuje dao bhalo hoto. Like , let me meet him when you are in front of me baba. And I don’t care what vessel you are in, be it a animal be it a person, I just want a confirmation that it is you. I will wait. Make me mature that when we meet and commit, we stay, we don’t leave. ”
(“Baba, look, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. Sometimes I feel that I’m perfectly fine on my own—I should build my career, become stable, and then settle down. But at times I wonder... maybe it would have been nice to grow alongside someone.
These little things—this innocence, going out together, cheering each other up during exams—once that phase of life passes, it won’t really come back.
But with the way things are right now, I can’t give someone emotional vulnerability while carrying an empty cup myself. I’d end up feeling drained.
And I do understand what kind of man I want. But... but listen, if you could find him for me, that would be nice.Like , let me meet him when you are in front of me baba. And I don’t care what body you are in, be it a animal be it aperson, I just want a confirmation that it is you. I will wait. Make me mature that when we meet and commit, we stay, we don’t leave. “)
She put her head down and whispered ”Jai baba Lokenath" and took 7 rounds across the garbagriha.
Then she entered into Mahadev’s mandir, and asked for the same thing ”Mahadev, when we meet, please make us stay. You know it all, you can see it all. I can’t. So this part of life I am surrendering to you. Please make it beautiful. I don’t care about the time, I care about the person.Har har Mahadev"
Finally feeling calm, with a serene smile she took the prasad and left from there.
